After my divorce and custody battle, I have had quite a few guys email me and ask for advice on these subjects. I’ve spoken to a few on the phone, emailed plenty, and I perhaps provided a glimmer of hope for the future.
Needless to say, when prodded, I can gush about many subjects, not just WoW. It would be a real downer to write a huge diatribe on the perils of divorce, the effect it has on children, and what happens to men in the aftermath. Plus, there are real doctors and counselors who have, oh I don’t know, training in these fields. So I won’t do that.
I shall say this, though: my son lives with me ten months of the year. I have a beautiful, blonde, Tennessee-bred girlfriend with a Masters degree who went to college on a basketball scholarship. Through her I have what I consider two fantastic step-children, the daughter who shall be taller than I in a few years, (and I’m six feet on the button,) and the son who might end up on Broadway. The 100lb Puppy of Love just turned twelve, and Zeus the Maine Coon — who took over for Bisquick the Meanest Cat in the Known Universe — considers my kitchen, especially the sink, his playground. I can make, from memory, an apple and walnut stuffed pork tenderloin that sends my family into shrieks of happiness. My new office has a real door and a southern view of the flora and fauna of Orlando. The convertible BMW scoots along much more powerfully than it should, (I was NOT recklessly driving, by the way; that detective just had issues he needed to work out… at my expense.)
And every Monday through Friday, I snatch my raspberry latte from the college-age barista(ette?), stand like a model in the New Yorker magazine on the curb under the sunny Florida skies, take two long quaffs, and reflect at how awesome my life is.
And now, I shall commence blathering hither and yon, in a quasi-random fashion, about things I think I know I think. For giggles, natch.
Women
Nothing attracts a woman more than a man who can cook a real meal. Although I hear a motorcycle does wonders too.
When it comes to women and work, never sh!t where you eat. Just don’t; it’s never worth it. Ever.
If you know she’s not marriage material after six months of dating, move on.
You have no idea if she’s marriage material until you’ve dated her for at least six months.
If she’s your Best Friend, she’s probably the one. Lust dies, looks fade, but kindness and a loving smile will last a lifetime.
Marriage is much better for men than women, divorce is much better for men than women, and you, dude, will pay for both in the end if you’re not careful.
When you draw the line, draw it and never give in, regardless of the outcome. Children and women must have boundaries. They respect you when you give them boundaries. They may complain and throw tantrums, but they’ll respect you and that is what you need more than anything for long-term survival. Respect and home-baked Russian Tea Cakes.
Do not choose your line ambiguously or use it frequently. The line is used for needs, not wants.
Accept that you, as a man, are very easy to please and generally happy all the time. Never tell women this either; they hate hearing that.
The only acceptable answer to her spittle-shriek question, “Are you even listening to me?!” is: “What?”
Master the Auto-Bob.
Never tell a woman you are a master of the Auto-Bob. /nods in approval
Food
Learn to cook five meals at a minimum. Salad doesn’t count.
As my hero Thomas Keller wrote, you don’t know a recipe until you’ve made it twice.
Cooking a roast chicken dinner with carrots, onions, leeks, and potatoes is much cheaper than eating out. You only need one pan. It’s simple to clean up. It’s manly!
If you have 2 quart sauce pan, a cast iron skillet, a dutch oven, an 8″ chef’s knife, and the willingness to learn, you have everything you need to amaze in the kitchen.
Pizza actually sucks, unless you’re from NY.
So does fast food, unless it’s from In N Out Burger.
Kids
If you’re going to have kids, accept that you want at least two and you want them less than three years apart.
If you’re a man and choose to have kids, accept that your life is now totally in your wife’s hands. If you can’t accept that, don’t have kids.
As a man, kids are much more entertaining and interesting as they get older. Women hate hearing that as well.
Realizing your children are not mini-versions of you can be very disappointing. My son wants me to build all his Lego sets for him and then he’ll play with them. He has never built a model car. He has no interest in watching football. But watching — and listening to him — go on and on about Pokemon, taking him to gaming night, and trying to get 1/100th as interested in the stuff as he is is just as rewarding.
Babies are not fun; babies are work.
Last weekend, my son left a plate with ketchup and old chicken nuggets under a hassock. My mother’s curse upon me is thus complete. Do not tempt the Mother’s Curse.
Getting Into Your 20s
Unlearn every social law you have learned; the pack IS usually wrong, popular people are NOT worth knowing, the really hot girl WILL bore you, there’s NO coolness associated with being an outlaw or degenerate, and nerds, not jocks, rule the world.
High school taught you HOW to learn. College proved you CAN learn. Once you get into your first job, you’ll actually start learning.
You don’t have to love what you do for a living. Few people get to love what they do because 99% of all jobs require you do to something someone else didn’t want to do. That’s OK. Hating what you do isn’t good, but you don’t have to love it.
Do something that you love, even if it doesn’t make any money.
Get your world traveling out of the way as soon as possible. Romantic destinations are actually pretty crappy.
The biggest failure of our education system is the complete lack of focus on daily economics. Learn to make a budget. Learn how to save your money. Learn to abhor debt. It seems nobody is going to teach you these things, so you’ve got to take it upon yourself to do so.
Self
Find out what kind of person you are and just accept it so you can finally be happy.
If finding out who you are requires you to force others to accept you, you’ll never be happy.
Find out what makes you unique, market it properly, and you’ll never suffer from being unable to take care of yourself.
Take risks but don’t be stupid. Vegas is Vegas not because the house ALWAYS wins, but because the house ALMOST always wins.
Don’t make that one really huge mistake that’ll ruin your life. You’ll see the choice when it comes; don’t screw it up.
50% of all the people you see are on the other side of the bell curve of whatever it is you’re doing.
You don’t have to be on the right-side of the bell curve to live a happy, productive, and satisfying life. And being on the right-side of the bell curve in no way guarantees you the same.
Living With Other People In a Society
Just because I don’t believe the government should do everything does NOT mean I don’t believe that those things shouldn’t be done.
The fact that I don’t want the government to do those things means that I think it’s important and want it done legally and properly.
If government weren’t in the Business of Marriage, nobody would care if you were hetero, homo, bi, trans, queer, or favored ripe vegetables over people. Any two people CAN get married, but people want the Government to RECOGNIZE their marriage. Get the government out of marriage and all this blows away.
It doesn’t matter what letter comes after your name; abuse of power is abuse of power. Unfortunately, 99% of people who get into government are about gaining power instead of enforcing liberty and freedom for the people over whom they rule.
Greed isn’t just good, it’s necessary.
If you want to help people, go ahead and help people. But forcing people to help isn’t charity, it’s enslavement.
If you’ve never actually read the US Constitution, you really should.
And if you’re really feeling uppity, George Mason, foshizzle.
Your freedom to be you includes my freedom to be free from you. If you want to do drugs, smoke, drink, sleep around, and want the government to stay our of your life, that’s just fine by me. But don’t come running to the government for healthcare using my tax dollars when the repercussions of your actions come due.
To Sum Up
If you need everyone to agree with everything you say, don’t say anything.
You don’t have to believe in God to know what’s right and wrong. At the end of the day, you have to be able to live with yourself.
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So my guild is suffering big-time due to burnout, SWTOR, and a lack of diversity. We are 5/8 in Dragon Soul and won’t advance unless we get another tank — for the second time we had a MT either gquit or real-life-break — we get another healer, and a DPS that isn’t a hunter, ’cause we have two of those already. This means I only get to play BigRedKitty for Looking For Raid joy and valor point farming.
