This story was originally published on BigRedKitty in November, 2007. But I’m bringing all the Airman Howell stories here… just because. If you’ve never read it before, I hope you like it. If you have read it before, please forgive me for the repetition.
In 1996, I was stationed at Misawa AB, Japan when I first met the thing called an ORI.
An ORI? The Air Force has this little thing called an Operational Readiness Inspection where it tests a military base’s capability to respond in time of a war or other surprise. What happens is a plane lands and a high-ranking military official respectfully requests the base commander’s presence. They meet and the base commander is handed a folder that says,
“Congratulations, your base is at war. Be prepared to deploy to Location X in 48 hours. Good Luck, your chance at a promotion to Major-General is in the balance. Love, The Chief of Staff of the Air Force.”
The base commander has a heart-attack, the vice-commander slaps him back to consciousness, and the base goes into ORI-Mode. Pack this, move them over there, get the airplanes airborne, load all your equipment on the C-5, don’t sleep for 36 hours, then get your duffel bags filled with 2.8 pairs of underwear over to the processing facility to get shipped out. All of this under the watchful eyes of the ORI Inspection Team.
So you get all your equipment loaded on pallets and driven over to the loading facility, you don’t sleep, barely eat, pretend bombs are dropping around you, and put on your chemical warfare suit and suck rubber for hours at a time while the bomb-disposal and Weapons of Mass Destruction teams go through their shenanigans “decontaminating” the base. Then, when everything is over, it’s time to pretend to deploy.
You take your bags and your helmet and your exhausted and malnourished and stinky butt over to the big hanger where they pretend to load you on a C-5 bound for Location X. A truly mind-numbingly frustrating situation.
Those people processing you, the ones inspecting your dogtags and your shot records and your 2.8 pairs of underwear, they are being inspected too. And one of the things being tested is their ability to respond to the unexpected.
So I was standing with my bags and my helmet, loudly denouncing the state of affairs in the processing facility when I was pulled aside by a full-bird Colonel. Uh oh, Daniel is going to prison, right?
Wrong.
“Sergeant Howell, would you be interested in participating in a role-playing game to assist the inspectors?”
Duh. Like I’m going to say no.
“Yes sir, what do you need me to do?”
“When you are processed, I want you to refuse to deploy on the basis that you are a conscientious objector.”
And as I thought about it, as the Colonel later described, a sh!t-eating grin grew on my face.
“Yes sir, I think I can do that.”
Back to the chairs and more waiting. But eventually my group of people was called forward to be put on our plane. And as I reached the E-2 who was assigned the critical job of making sure my military ID wasn’t a fake, I stopped.
“No, you can’t see it.”
“What?”
“You can’t see my ID, I’m not going.”
“Sergeant Howell, I need to see your ID so you can complete processing.”
“No way. I’m not going. I can’t go to Location X now, my wife will have a fit.”
Stunned silence.
“I signed up because the recruiter promised me I could be a pilot. Well, my eyesight shot that to h#ll and now here I am in northern Japan about to be sent of to Location X. Where is Location X? I demand to know! It’s Korea, isn’t it! You’re sending me to die in Korea? My wife will absolutely blow a gasket! Have you seen my wife? I’m not going! You hear me? No way, no how, no no no. I’m one of those subconscious contractors! I won’t kill anybody, got it?!”
The processing facility was so quiet you could hear the underwear in my bag rustle. The E-2 was sweating, the rest of the people in the line were stunned. Suddenly, a door opened and the senior enlisted sergeant in charge of the processing facility emerged. He knew what was going on; he’d been through a few ORIs before.
“Sergeant Howell, are you declaring that you’re a conscientious objector?”
“BINGO, Chief!” And I slammed the counter with my helmet a few times for emphasis. “No way you’re shipping this guy to Korea to eat cabbage out of the ground!”
“Airman, send Sergeant Howell to that room over there.”
“Chief! I want to see my lawyer, right pronto! When you call the MPs, make sure my lawyer is right on their heels!”
“Yes, Sergeant Howell, I contact the the legal division for you.”
“And a Chaplain! I got lots of moral and ethical issues here. I need to spill my guts before you send me to Korea or prison!”
“Yes, Sergeant Howell, I’ll contact the base chaplain’s office too.”
“I’m half Jewish, make sure that gets noted and I get the right representation.”
“It says on your military ID that you’re Presbyterian.”
“I can’t be too careful, now can I? I might be knee-deep in Sojo and doggie-appetizers by nightfall. Priest and a Rabbi; I know my rights! I’m an unconscious objectifier!”
“To the room, Sergeant Howell.”
And into the room I flounced. Ten minutes later, the Colonel blew open the door, slammed it behind him, and began laughing his head off.
“Sergeant Howell,” the Colonel bellowed, “How in the h#ll did you think of all that?”
“I’m exhausted, sir. If I had had more time, I would’ve asked for a meal and a shower as well as something besides CNN on the TV. It’s hard to control my words when I’m sober. Keep me from sleeping for 36 hours and all my internal filters shut down.”
“Just so you know, I had to leave the facility I was laughing so hard, but I interviewed the processing personnel and wrote everything down. My god that was perfect. I’m changing our procedures to makes sure all these agencies are ready to respond to something like this. Don’t know if you’ve noticed, Sergeant Howell, but neither your lawyer nor spiritual councilors are here yet. They’re on the clock.”
Sure enough, the calls had gone out and the commander of the legal squadron was in a tizzy trying to figure out how to get a military lawyer to the processing facility to handle the case of a conscientious objector in the deployment processing line. But that was nothing compared to the base chaplain’s office trying to get their on-call chaplain out onto the flightline when he had no credentials to be in a classified area.
The lawyer eventually arrived with aplomb and dignity and began an interview under the Colonel’s gaze. After five minutes, the Colonel ended the scenario and dismissed the lawyer. When that guy opened the door, the chaplain was opening it from the other side. His helmet was on sideways, his flak-jacket was only halfway over his shoulders, and he was immediately jumped by the Colonel.
“You just went through a contaminated zone without a chemical suit? You’re dead, you know that? Head on over to the infirmary. Chief! Get me another chaplain!” The chaplain looked like he was going to really keel over, he was so upset.
“Sergeant Howell, you’re released. Thank you for your assistance.”
“Any time sir.” And I saluted the Colonel, he returned it. I performed as nice a facing movement as possible, walked through the door, past the Chief, the lawyer, the dead chaplain, and into the hanger where we all sat for five hours waiting for the “plane” to land at Location X.
Ask me if I miss the military. I dare you.
Hi Daniel. I read your WoW blog from day one of you setting up shop and would not be the hunter i am today without you. I’m quite glad you’ve decided to set up shop here. It’ll be great to keep reading your commentary on life instead of Wow…the hardest part…calling you Daniel. lol
by the way…do you miss the military?
I always enjoyed these stories, and rereading them again is never a bad thing.
Still as brilliant to read as the first time. Thanks for reposting all of these.
That has to be the most brilliant thing I have ever heard! The way your mind works is amazing!
I’m glad to see you are still around, hearing the word that you’d be leaving wow and stopping your wow blog was hard, you made me the hunter I am today! So many of your tips and advice really helped me boost my preerformance that I am now the only hunter in the guild (aside our guild leaders hunter) who is allowed to raid cause I’m the only one (aside her) that knows WTF they are to do and how to keep our pet on a tight leash.
Thank you for that, and I’m looking forward to following you on your new blog as well!
P.s. Although my submission didn’t make it into the farewell video published, I do have my farewell salute to BRK posted.
http://asitstands.crystalmemoirs.com/
Good luck on your new home!
/salute
AJ, he totally misses the military.
Your writings have always been a favorite of mine, regardless of what the topic is. It’s good to see you’re still putting those smarts to work
I do hope there’s some more brain stories; I’m sure you’ve got a few involving work lol
-luv always Rika
This is great I am glad that you have another site. I will miss BRK but am glad to be able to still read your airman Howell stories they are always funny. Good luck with your family and all you plan to do and cant wait for the book, I want a signed copy!
Heh. I missed the military like crazy.
So I went back in.
Personally, I always enjoyed your military stories more then the WoW ones. Keep ‘em comin’!
I must have missed that one… funny as hell. Look forward to hearing more.
p.s. hope you and yours are doing well.
Hurrah!
When you decided to retire BRK I was worried that was the end of Airman Howell stories as well. So glad that is not necessarily the case!
Yay!!!
More please….*gets popcorn*
I’ve read this one before and knew it was a gem, so I took the time to read it aloud to my wife while she was folding clothes. She thinks it’s brilliant too, btw. =)
I’m looking forward to re-reading all your Airman Howell stories. Speaking of Airman Howell, did you happen to notice that one of the contributors to your farewell video montage had named their spirit beast AirmanHoweel? I did and I really enjoyed that too.
Thanks; and keep writing, airman!
Steve
Wow this feels a lot different, but I like it.
This was my favorite Airman Howell story back on BRK, glad to read it again!
My wife would only go to your old blog to read your mil stories, now that it isn’t a wow blog she will most likely be more willing… lol
~Jace
Brava!
I demand more shenanigans! More I say!
/shakefist
Man, this is inspirational.
I’M OFF TO JOIN THE MILITARY >:D
Yay, I love these stories. I am going to start sending them to my mother. She met my Dad when they were both in the Marines, and I have heard some good stories from her also. Sadly, he died when I was a child, but even so, I remember how he really hated that she could outshoot him when they went to the rifle range.
Daniel, You’re brilliant! Hahaha!
I’m really enjoying your story’s ^^
Now I’m wondering… Will the Daniel vs. Brain story’s pop up here too? ^^
/hope
You know, I kind of always just skipped these stories back in BRK, but I think I’ll change that this time around.
Love your Airman Howell stories, glad to see you’ll be sharing them here as well. Thats one hell of a way to throw a kink into a scenario that is stressful enough as it is. Nicely done.
Daniel,
That was a very funny story.. Reminds me of my brother in the Royal Australian Navy… The amount of crap that him and the other pilots gave to their CO’s, including stunts like that, was amazing.
I sent him the link, and he got a kick out of it.
Hope life is going well for you.
Amazingly funny, infact i nearly got in trouble reading this in work as i couldnt help but laugh, and the boss isnt sat too far away!
Hey Daniel,
I followed you over here from BRK, thanks for making my morning. I worked for the American Airforce as a a Local Civilian Employee for six years at Rhein-Main Air Base in the eighties and this post sure brought back memories.
Aw dammit I thought it was a story about when you worked at Stargate Command and helped fight the Ori.
Still, good to have you back, hunter or not!
Daniel
The last 24 hours have been awesome, not only do I finally get my linux install to work properly I discover a new place to read the great stories that have so often made me laugh out loud and get curious looks from my colleagues. My alter-ego bytorsnowdog has commented a number of times over at BRK but I thought a change of name was in order to match the change of focus of the blog in question.
When do we get the next installment in the calamitous tales of Daniel and Brain?
Ian
Grats on the new space, Airman Howell. Love the stories. I’ll be heading off to OTS at the start of August so I’ll have my own in a little while. Don’t know if I’ll ever be quite as quick on the wit as you, though. =P
Loyal WoW hunter fan and USAF KC-135 Crew Chief here. I’m on board ….. pressed the subscribe thingy.
I laughed my butt off! I’ve been reading BRK for quite some time and it’s been a huge help to me! Glad you started this up, I’ll be checking back for more great writings!
My son, Tyberius, sent me this because he knew I loved reading BRK. I laughed myself silly reading this! This blog is going in my favs!! I’ll be checking back.
A fan
Just as good as the first time around
That was bloody AWESOME.
HAHAHA. I remember this story, but re-read it to get a kick out of it again. We may not have bigredkitty, but Airman Howell is still here. WOOT!
Love your blog!!!! Was on BRK but have moved my Favorites to this one. Looking forward to more adventures of Howell and his wife of Fury.
Hi Daniel. You’re stories are amazing and I really enjoy reading them. You really do need to write a book because these stories are brilliant.
So…now that you’ve got a new home…when do we get to read the story about Airman Howell and the Heineken Red Star-fueled Halloween Bunny?
Daniel is such a foreign name to my mouth… it will take time to adjust I’m sure. Can’t wait for more of the same wittiness.
Lol,
This story was great. I’ve been stationed at Ellsworth AFB for the past 6 years and I can’t even begin to tell you all the different exercises/ORI’s I’ve been subjected to. I’m still crossing my fingers, and hoping, to one day get the coveted “AWOL” inject card during an exercise. Keep up the amazing stories. =)
WOW- talk about being pulled back throught time. LOL i started ROFL when i read the first paragraph bc i remember this happening when i was about 24 y/o a fresh scrub out of basic and at no other place on earth WORSE to be in than Andrews AFB Maryland, yes the “Presidential” base. yup the one that has AFOne. talk about a shit storm hitting. LOL thanks for the memories man.
OMG, I almost died laughing… Any of your military readers have probably been in a similar training scenario and I would have killed to get to do something like that… Nice improv – BZ.
You had me at “unconscious objectifier”.
Man, that story was made of pure win. You should really put these all out in a book, I’d go out of my way to hunt down a copy.
Hello, I understand this is probably somewhat strange to read, but this post helps me to get through my day, when my wife is complaining to me constantly Some of my mates told me about it but I could not find it for some time, so a few days ago I was so pleased to finally stumble upon it! Myself, I don’t do much blogging because I simply don’t have the time however I do love to read other people’s work. I just wanted to comment to show my admiration for your blog and I also wanted to let you know that way too many authors do not get any credit for their craft, credit which is, surely well deserved. Given the topic you may not think this is real and maybe even doubt that any person could like it so much, but I genuinely wish for you to keep it up. It’s fantastic!
I really don’t determine.