Daniel’s Top Ten Things He Hates About Orlando
10. Road Tolls. I spend $5 a day in tolls. Yes, I know you New Yorkers can easily laugh at that; I grew up on Long Island. But for almost any other city in America, toll roads are not the norm. Here, we’ve got four roads that make a big box around the city, and three of them are toll roads. The fourth is a federal interstate and the local government keeps trying to make that a toll road as well. We’ve paid for these roads many years ago, and the officials just keep the toll booths up as a source of revenue. I loathe being robbed.
9. Right-lane passing. Look, I’ve driven on five continents. I’ve driven right and left-hand drive cars on both the right and left-hand side of the road. I’ve circumnavigated the US and most of Europe. I’ve survived Saudi Arabia’s highways from Taif to Jeddah. Orlando is the only place I’ve been where passing on the wrong-side is not just accepted, but mandated.
8. People who watch Space Shuttle launches and make my forty-five minute drive home from work a three-hour nightmare. ‘Nough said.
7. My thin skin. Anything below 60 degees farenheit is freezing. It’s not my fault I’m a temp-wimp now; it’s Florida’s.
6. Red Ants. I grew up on the cool, crisp grass of Long Island. Now I live on the vines of St. Augustine “grass” and the red ants that make these jungles their home. Red ants eat your skin, crawling in your toes and gnawing the tender flesh betwixt your toes. People go into shock from red ant attacks. There are two reasons that Florida is capable of supporting human life, and pesticides is one.
5. Hurricanes. No, not the football team, but the natural disasters. There is little worse than having your electrical power go out in Florida due to a hurricane, as then you lose air conditioning. The winds and water are nothing; losing one’s power is unbearable. One cannot survive in Florida without air conditioning. Actually, Florida wasn’t even a real state until the 1950s when AC was made readily available.
4. Disney visitors. Listen, if you’re going to come to any of the Disney parks, fly on an airplane and use the Disney shuttles. They have made it so that you don’t need a car. They pick you up at the airport in air conditioned vans, take you too your air conditioned hotel, you run amok in the air conditioned attractions, your take the air conditioned van back to the airport, you say goodbye, we’re all happy. Renting a car and trying to find your way around is just going to piss us all off. You’re lost, you’re tired, your AC isn’t working, you’re making me pass in the right-hand lane, and you make up for the lost time by extending your visit.
3. The Orlando Magic. We let Shaq go. We don’t deserve a basketball team, honestly. I’ve been to a few games, and at one I was asked why I was coming. I said, “Because I got free tickets. There’s no way I’d pay to see this team.” Yes we’re doing well this year, but the past fifteen years could’ve made Orlando “Shaq-Apulco”, instead of just the man’s backyard.
2. The people who play with alligators. On Kennedy Space Center, there’s a sign that says, “Don’t feed the alligators”. OK, so some stupid morons have thrown food at alligators. Understandable, but hardly Darwin Award winners. Then there’s the sign that says, “Don’t move the alligators”. What kind of moronic reprobate gets it into his noggin to try alligator-tipping? An eaten one, that’s what kind.
1. My pool. I have a leak somewhere and it’s going to cost a butt-load of cash to find and fix it. D@mn.
Where on Long Island are you from!? Im originally from Hampton Bays, am now at Shaw AFB Sumter, SC. Keep up the good work!
Long Island?! I live in the Huntington area. Keep up the amazing blog BR.. er.. Daniel!
Orlando the way it is is why I moved to Sarasota.
I think you’ve just convinced me never to want to live in FL. Although the hurricanes already had me 90% convinced.
Hey bub, Hurricanes isn’t football name! Go Carolina!
were on long island did you grow up I live in commack by smith town its Suffolk county yea we don’t have sewers = ( just horrid poop buckets under are front lawn
I’m glad to see someone else feels the way I do about Florida….
Hey Daniel I literally live and hour and a half away from you and let me tell you, most of the stuff on that list will unfortunately be dealt with by these words: Get Used To It. I know how you feel about everything (except the passing thing; I never knew you were supposed to pass in the right in Orlando) and I’ve had to deal with it too, so here is my support in trying to ignore some of it around you
I feel for you.
/invading Orlando in t-minus 18 days.
You have a potential job moving you somewhere else, right? Or is that to Orlando? And what do you mean by right hand passing… so traveling on the right and…oh… right, I’m in New Zealand, we’re on the other side of the road, I think.
And you say noggin… is that a carry on from your AF days? Do you also say container? (:read “Air Force Blues” and now thinks of himself as an expert)
hey, if the people in the left lanes are not getting it done, that is me passing in the right lanes.
Personal traffic pet-peeve: people’s inability to understand proper merging technique. It’s like a zipper, folks; that’s the optimal approach. FOR ALL OF US. Yes, it means there’s a gap of approximately 30 feet between you and the next car up (at least until the mergee merges). Yes, that fact alone is enough to doom zipper merging from widespread adoption, regardless of optimality: the vast majority of regular commuters are apparently biologically incapable of allowing a gap in front of them in traffic.
/sigh
Errr. Don’t move the gators.
I’m not a Florida boy, but as a south Louisiana native I can tell you, if you’re in a little bitty firebird and Mr Crocolisk looking gator is blocking both lanes, throwing rocks at it to make it move should be perfectly acceptable. I’m not gonna turn around just because a d@mned gator likes the warmth of the asphalt under his belly!
About #9: People probably wouldn’t pass in the right hand lane if people didn’t CRUISE IN THE PASSING LANE (the left lane). It’s actually illegal to ride in the passing lane while not passing. A few years ago the police put out a bullatain stating that they were going to start cracking down on people riding in the passing lane, but that doesn’t seem to deter people. It is so infuriating having to make the drive from Tampa to Daytona on I4 with so many stupid people doing 50mph in the far left lane. I’d like to know how it could come to be that so many people have no idea what the laws are when it comes to driving.
Right… lane… passing? What?
It makes no sense!
I live just north of Orlando, and also grew up on Long Island. I feel your pain.
However, I love hurricanes. As a science junkie I enjoy the active weather. It helps that I never seem to lose my power (or internet connection) even during the worst storms. Next time there is a hurricane, you can come up to Seminole County and hang out in my air conditioned house until you get your power back.
Re: the leak…
Don’t know for certain if this would work, but were it me, I would approach it from the same perspective as someone searching for an air leak. An air leak can be detected by following the smoke of, for example, a cigarette as it is sucked through the opening. Take a spray bottle of water with red dye in it, snorkel around the pool where you think the leak might be and spray… the red water should head right for the leak when you get close. As far as the repair goes, beats me… epoxy putty perhaps?
Put red dye in your pool and watch where the ground starts turning red first… then you will know where the leak is.
I’m from the UK, and a few years ago drove from New York to San Diego. The traffic was a pleasant surprise, once I got used to the idea that you just pick a lane you like and stick with it… you all drive so carefully and slowly compared to UK and EU traffic. With the exception of the road through Oakland heading for the bridge into San Francisco – 6-8 lanes of traffic, all doing 80mph, switching lanes all the time, but with no horns, no road rage and no accidents. Very impressive
maybe they should increase the speed limit to 100 or remove it altogether if its so safe, then people like daniel who buy cars like the 350z have somewhere to test out their massive engines.
Hey BRK! Patch 3.1 went live yesterday… what the h3ll are you doing on this blog?!?!?
Amen to the toll roads down there.
I was down there for a vacation (yes, disney, but other things too) and got off at an exit only to find that:
1) It was a toll
2) It wasn’t a manned toll, but rather a toss your change in the bucket affair.
3) They didn’t provide a change machine.
1 and 2 I can accept, but if you have 2, 3 is completely unacceptable, especially in an area like orlando that’s going to have people from out of the area driving around.
After digging in every possible location in 30 seconds, we still ended up 5 cents short, shrugged, dropped what we had in, and got our picture taken for our trouble anyway.
So if we go to disney in the hermetically sealed disney experience, you are buying the beer?
actually right lane passing is a Maryland thing as well.. (I guess that explans why it never seemed odd to me)
Right above you in Georgia. Not much love for my state either. But we do one up Floridians as far as hurricanes go. Usually just enjoy a nice breezy day with no work due to mandatory evacuation. Meanwhile, hurricane hits the reef and either rampages in North Carolina or drops on ya’ll.
Co-worker is one of those space-shuttle watchers. Plays a hunter too. I’ll tell him he has perturbed the great BRK. He shall cry immensely. Look for it on YouTube.
But remember! You also have Mall at Millennia and one of the nicest Apple stores I’ve ever seen.
My sister lives in Orlando and she says that Florida has seasons just like everywhere else. But these seasons are Love Bug Season, Rainy Season, and Hurricane Season.
That being said, I’d move to Orlando in a minute if my husband and I could find jobs down there. Maybe when the economy is better.
I feel your pain about the temp wimp thing. I grew up on Long Island, in Selden, just south of Port Jefferson. Now I live in Phoenix AZ. I too wear a jacket when it is below 60F.
Sorry- We’re going to Disney next month and we’re renting a car. We’re staying at a place that has a full kitchen, so we don’t have to do the dining out thing for every-single-meal with the 2 kiddo’s, and it just makes sense to have a car for food shopping and such.
But rest assured, we’ll be using Disney transportation to get to and from the parks
-John
…. don’t move the alligators? Pass… on the right side?
*brain holds up an “On Strike” sign*
Northern girl duly notes the inconvenience of the post-shuttle launch traffic. Will rent, beg, borrow, or steal a bicycle and attempt to find a reasonably close bus route back to hotel should she ever visit.
AMDRO – say goodbye to red ants.
As a long time resident of South Florida I can tell you the most frightening sight for a resident driver:
Six lane highway, Coupe DeVille (optionally Crown Vic or Grand Marquis) in the center lane doing 25 miles per hour, turn signal (pick right or left) going blink-blink-blink. And the capper is that the only thing that can be seen from behind the vehicle is a shock of blue hair and 8 knuckles death-gripped on the steering wheel.
I moved from the UK to Fort Lauderdale, FL in 2001 and I stayed until 2006 when I moved to Atlanta, GA and i understand every point on this list, although i did replace people watching space shuttle launches with snow birds, for 4 or 5 months a year traffic in south Florida is a nightmare! On the tolls in Orlando, I had to drive from Fort Lauderdale to pick up my parents from Sanford airport (because they refused to spend another $100 and fly into Miami!!!) and decided to drive straight through Orlando rather than around.. $20 in tolls one way… I found another way to drive home.
An annoyance I would add to the list is old drivers, yes we all get old eventually but we really don’t need to be driving after about 70. I got into my first wreck in Florida and it was because a 90 year old man pulled out infront of me which caused me to hit another car driven by a 95 year old man…. only in Florida…
Ok, if you have a scuba certification or at least a mask and a snorkel here is how you save a butt-load of money. Fill a squeeze bottle with an opaque fluid of the white or very dark variety. If you have a bottom drain turn it off (leaving the top drain going please), get wet and squirt out some of the opaque fluid around the edge. What you are looking for is if there is no leak it won’t go anywhere, if there is it will quickly disappear. If the bottom drain is good, move on to the deep end ladder (check where it meets the liner) same drill. If still no go and you have steps into the pool check around the edge of that. Finally if they are a no go, turn on the bottom drain and turn off the top and follow the afore mentioned procedure. These are the usual suspects for where a leak will start.
I can relate to having thin skin as well. I grew up in Western Massachusetts and transplanted to the West Coast (So Cal, Seattle, and now Vegas) almost 13 years ago. It’s 53 degrees in Vegas today…I am wearing a long-sleeved thermal shirt and have my leather jacket in the back seat in anticipation of the temperature drop when I get off work.
I know we’ve all heard of the concept, actually it is usually codified as a law, which states that if you are not passing someone you should stay to the right. If you’ve been to Germany you’ve seen huge billboards reminding people to do just that. If I were a wealthy man, I would post similar billboards along I-4 between Tampa and Orlando. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to pass on the right.
I’m from Merrick, NY and now in Daytona. I would MUCH rather deal with the things you listed then the snow/cold, anyday!
And also, Dwight Howard of the present Orlando Magic will be 10x the player Fat Shaq is/was!!
Ah the sweet, sweet sound of B G & C’s!
Also invading Rat World with SWMBO and 2 (of 3) kids in T minus 138 days.
Don’t fret, we will be taking the shuttle, and if we head off the reservation we will use a cab.
And the last Shuttle launch I saw was in 2006 from the plane flying down to Orlando… to go to Rat World. So I am happy to say I am not the source of your pain.
Gald to see you still blogging, still hoping for a book.
Skarlarth and Co.
Ah, such a good chuckle here at my desk. Thankfully I’ve only had the disappointing anti-pleasure to visit that state. Multiple times, I treated it like going to the dentist, but a much warmer, rainy dentist.
I think I would be jailed in FL, due to the fact that even the smallest amount of traffic and road clutter and retardation makes me consider ramming someone off the road….passing in the right lane, may I never see that, ever….
“We let Shaq go”
OHHH MANNNNN. Don’t be Shaqkled by Ancient History.
: – )
We feel you, espcially with the pool.
Grew up in Miami. We too had blue hairs, interminable left turn blinkers in the left lane at 45mph on the freeway, and toll roads (but not as many as you).
We had a saying for the snow birds who threw such a wrench in our traffic flow: “Q-tips” – because all you saw was the white wool above the seat (and the aforementioned 8 knuckles of deathgripness). We also had a bumper sticker for the snow birds from up north who invaded our fair clime for 1/2 the year: “If you love NY so much, take I-95 north…”
I had a feeling you were going to mention Disney visitors. When I was going to my aunt’s house in Florida, it honestly took an hour and a half longer because of all the traffic due to people going to Disneyland =/
Riian –
Disneyland = California
Disneyworld = Florida
and if it wasn’t for the magic of the mouse, there would be no reason to live in Orlando as nothing would have ever developed. Per most of the reason on Daniel’s list.
Welcome to northern virginia, most expensive toll per mile in the US. They hike that bad boy up almost quarterly now, dude I work with pays $20 a day for him + his wife to commute to work.
http://dullesgreenway.com/toll-rates.html
Oh man i can’t believe Orlando Magic is on the list.. dude they got Dwight Howard and Rashard Lewis. I live in Europe and I am a huge NBA fan i would give my left arm to see Orlando magic play ( My right hand and my private parts to see Ray Allen and Rajon Rondo play, well they are just more fun to watch =D).
Well i guess we are all different and that is what makes the world funky. But yeah Orlando letting Shaq go back in the day was a bad move.
By the way this post was Shaqtastic!
I lived in lake mary just recently before moving to texas. Can’t believe the semi annual invasion of LOVE BUGS didn’t make your list.
On my list are people who mistakenly place unctuation outside of quotation marks, a skill I try to teach students in ENC1101. Sorry Daniel, just couldn’t resist since I know you are a bit, shall we say, of a grammarian.
It may be different in other stlyes (AP, Chicago, etc.) but MLA style says punctuation inside the quotes..
Huh – Orlando, eh?
I’m from lonely little Port Charlotte to the south. I’ve never lived in Orlando, but my sister has, and I will be in a year or so when I leave for college (UCF).
Hehe, at least there’s stuff to do!
Chicago is king of toll roads.