I originally posted this story in February, 2008. Yes, Heyred1 did indeed become Mrs. Howell. Yes, I am incredibly lucky.
February, 1996. Maybe March. Possibly April. May?
Whatever.
It feels like it was a Friday, but if I’m wrong, that’s not the important part of the story. And it also feels like it was early in the morning, but I worked the swing-shift at the time, 4pm to midnight, so my concept of “morning” could be skewed.
Regardless.
It was early in the morning on a Friday. General Fogleman…
And it may not be Fogleman. We should look that up, but eh.
It was early in the morning on a Friday. General Fogleman, four-star general, Chief of Staff of the Air Force, arrives for work at the Pentagon. He strolls into his luxurious suite on the inner ring, picks up his freshly ironed copy of The Air Force Times newspaper, kicks back in his massive leather chair, and snaps open the paper with the authority that comes with being in charge.
He reads. He flips to another page, reads more. He stops. He sits up, puts the paper down, scrunches up his face, and thinks to himself,
“Who the f-ing hell is Airman Howell?”
December, 1995. I returned from my vacation following a three-month assignment to support to the United Nations in Bosnia to find out I was possibly authorized a new medal for my Bosnia-work. The stuff I had read said it was for personnel who supported Operation WhatsItsName in Bosnia, but didn’t say in what capacity one had to serve. I had been in England with my U-2s flying missions over Bosnia, but never crossed the English Channel, let alone set foot on the Continent. Was I authorized the new medal? Inquiring minds want to know. When one has a question about anything Human Resources-y in the Air Force, one goes to the Military Personnel Flight, or the MPF.
The MPF is where all the paperwork on your promotions and awards and retirements and assignments are done and kept. Want to see your performance appraisals, go to the MPF. Want to update your identification card, go to the MPF.
And in my case, I had a question about a medal. At the MPF, there are people specifically tasked to track awards and medals for the base. They are trained to determine if you’re been authorized, directly or indirectly, for unit and individual awards. So on a California morning, to the MPF I drove.
The MPF was open, but the entire Decorations section was closed. Kaput. Door locked, nothing at all. “Out for Training”. OK, then. What now?
Well, I had just purchased a Powerbook 5300cs with the money I had saved during my temporary duty assignment in England, even got the external modem to go with it. And I just happened to have a subscription to AOL, too! Perhaps there was some information there about my medal, or maybe someone who knew where else to look?
So into AOL I dove, the military bulletin boards in particular, and searched for medal information. Nothing. I found a personal ad for a pen pal from a “Heyred1” to whom I wrote – I love redheads – but no medal information. So I wrote up a request and dumped it in a message board.
And a couple of days later, would you believe it, a member of an MPF section at another Air Force base read my request, found the relevant documentation, and posted it. I was indeed authorized that medal, thank you very much. Awesome!
The pen pal relationship with Heyred1 grew, but that’s another story for another time.
Fast-forward a few more weeks, and I got a “You’ve Got Mail!” message when I logged onto my AOL account. It was a message from a reporter from The Air Force Times.
“I saw that you wrote a post on the military forums on AOL about a medal-question that an MPF guy from another base answered. That’s some pretty nice use of technology!” (This was 1996, folks, calm down.) “Any chance I can call you and ask you a few questions for a story I’m writing?”
And who can turn down such a request? Not I. At least not at this point in my career. So we talked about AOL and medals and how I couldn’t get the information from my MPF because they were closed, so a nice E-7 in Texas came through and helped me out. Bingo bango bungo, interview over and I forgot all about it.
The reporter wrote his story, it got printed. And it contained a sentence similar to this,
“When Airman Howell couldn’t get answers from his local MPF, he went to America Online for help.”
And that’s the sentence that made General Fogleman sit up in his chair. He grabbed the phone and snagged the three-star general in charge of military personnel issues.
“Yo! Why are my airmen having to go on AOL to get personnel-answers? Read The AF Times, then fix it!” Click.
So the three-star stares at his receiver, not very happy at having his morning coffee interrupted by a terse call from The Boss. He nabs his copy of the paper, peruses it, sees what ticked General F off, and makes a call to a two-star general, the head of all military personal centers.
“Dude. AF Times got the Boss in a snit. You need to get this fixed.” Click.
And the two-star wasn’t pleased, of course not. So he waited a few hours and called the Beale AFB commander, a nice Brigadier General, and explained that the Beale MPF was causing problems of which the Chief of Staff of the Air Force was getting wind.
“What the h3ll’s going on out there, General? One of your airmen was reported in The Air Force Times as saying your MPF wouldn’t help him get information he needed. The Chief is in a snit and raining sh!t downhill. Find out what’s going on at your MPF, tell me so I can report back, and fix it.” Click.
Airman Howell was, of course, oblivious to all the hullabaloo and was comfortably abed, the morning sun casting long shadows inside his single-occupancy dorm room. Peaceful, quiet, serene. Until the phone rang.
“Hello?”
“AIRMAN HOWELL! This is your First Sergeant! Get in your dress blues and haul @ss to your Commander’s office NOW! Why are you on the phone! Get going! NOW!” Click.
Like a Scottish terrier injected with Mountain Dew, I showered and dressed at the same time, and basically teleported to my commander’s bunker on the flightline. His secretary said, “Go on in, don’t do your reporting statement, just stand there.”
Not doing a reporting statement to a commander is completely alien to any enlisted troop, so this really made no sense. That is until I opened the door and saw my first sergeant on a couch and my commander with his head in his hands while being talked down-to on speakerphone.
“Why in the h3ll are your airmen giving interviews to the press! I’m the godd@mn chief of public affairs and that’s MY job! When you allow your airmen to make idiots of the personnel people, I get yelled at! Do you think I like taking The Chief’s calls about an MPF in California at six in the morning? Where is that son of a b!tch, Major!”
“He just walked in the door, sir.”
…
Oh god. I’m the son of a b!tch. What the heck did I do…
“Airman Howell, are you there?”
“Yes sir.” I peeped.
“Did you talk with an Air Force Times reporter about a medal?”
“Yes sir.”
“Why didn’t you go to your MPF?”
“I did, sir, but they were closed.”
“But that’s not what the article in the paper says. It says, ‘couldn’t get answers from his local MPF’. Do you realize that makes it look like our MPF people are a bunch of fools?”
“But sir, that’s not what I said…”
“Of course it isn’t! And that’s why we have Public Affairs personnel, whose job it is to talk to the press and make sure the story is reported accurately. Now we’ve got the Chief of Staff of the Air Force wanting to know why his MPF people can’t do their job out there. There are a bunch of people who are getting shat on because of this!” And he listed the chain of shat, of which we have just previously written.
“Airman Howell, you are not authorized to speak to the press, do you understand that?”
“Yes sir, I’m very sorry sir.”
And the general on the phone sighed heavily. “Airman, you made a mistake. A very public mistake. A very high-profile, public mistake. Do not do so again.”
“Yes sir, no more reporters sir.”
“Well, hopefully this will get the sticky note of the Chief’s desk at least.”
“Sticky note, sir?”
“I’m sure the General has a yellow sticky note with your name on it somewhere in his office, so he doesn’t forget to make sure this little snafu is corrected.”
“Really? General, can I have the sticky note?” Seriously. I said it. To this day, I don’t know why.
“Airman, do you think you can get to the Pentagon, get the note from the Chief of Staff of the Air Force, and get back to Beale tonight?”
I knew exactly what I was going to say. I was going to say, “Sir, Airman Howell requests permission to get on a KC-135, fly to the Pentagon, meet the Chief of Staff of the Air Force, obtain the sticky note with my name on it, and fly back to Beale.” But I didn’t get the chance; my commander piped up for me.
“Not only no, but h3ll no.”
“OK. Major, good bye.” Click.
And the major looked me in my spit-n-polish official blue uniform and exploded,
“You cannot ask the Chief of Air Force Public Affairs for permission to fly across the country to pick up a sticky note with your name on it, signed by General Fogleman! What’s wrong with you! Chief, get this airman out of here!”
As I was escorted out of the commander’s office by my first sergeant, I asked him how the commander knew I was about to ask to fly across the country to get a sticky note.
He had the gall to say, “You have kind of a reputation around here.”
OMG, That was hilarious!!!
My Dad used to tell me stories like this about his days in the USAF. Your’s remind me of him. He passed away 10 years ago, so thank you for the memories.
Tom
This one story explains so much of my day to day dealing with the government, actually more specifically my wife’s dealings as a employee of Military Family Housing (which is now privatized).
Good stuff.
I have some good stories to tell but I have to wait til we both are no longer employed by the USAF… lol
Your Airman Howell stories are the best. Hope to see some new ones soon!
That story was funny when I read it on BRK; Still had me weeing my pants a bit this time!
Leave it to you to try to requisition a plane to fly to the Pentagon to pick up a sticky note…..
And leave it to everyone else to not be surprised by this.
This is possibly the most epic thing I have read today. Excellent work, sir.
Never get tired of re-reading Airman Howell. Your talent is superb.
Did you end up with the medal?
sorry if it appears twice, i dont see it anywhere
Hey BRK, I had to put off wow for a while too like you, so I decided to open my blog!
http://gaming-blog-from-mars.socialgo.com/home.html
I hope you make a post to give us all tips on how to be as succesfull as you are
Btw.. nice story.. second time is as good as before
I actually think I wet my pants laughing out loud! This was genius!
I know why I am still subscribed to this blog!
I’m not sure what was better – the story itself or the storytelling.
“You have kind of a reputation around here” <— LOL
Win ranking: 11 out of a possible 10. I LOL’d. Several times, in fact
/applause
I wonder what Brain must’ve been thinking at that point in time. Haha. Thanks for the lols.
Definitely a +1 post
Hilarious!
Awesome!
You writing about the different air force bases got me wondering which one it was that I visited multiple times in my home state. Did you ever go to Pease? No real reason to know, just idle curiosity.
Omg, amazing story!
First time i’ve read it.
Just plain brilliant!
I don’t think i will ever stop laughing at these. Thank you thank you for a wonderful morning!
Once again your writing style is superb, your content interesting and well portrayed, and generally an excellent blog. Hope things are going well for you since you moved to this blog, and i assure you I and plenty others are still just as loyal fans ^.^ Good work dude
Always a good laugh! Much love for Airman Howell.
you turned my frown upside down dan
When do we hear the one about the Heineken Red Star-fueled Halloween Bunny?
Haha. I love these stories. Yet another great one.
WHEN ARE YOU WRITING YOUR BOOK!?
Can I pre-order?
Nice, I wonder how things would have gone had you had the chance to actually ask permission to acquire the plane and fly across the nation to retrieve the sticky note.
Funny the first time I read it on your BRK site, a very welcome revisit to airman howel’s life this time too.
My guild made the Airman howel a sticky on our forum, and it was my job to post the new stories as they was published on your old site. These stories has caused peeps to not get any work done during the day and having members turn up late for raids
It was a sad day indeed when I had to tell the guild no more Airman Howel stories will be publish.
please please post some new ones Daniel, or I will have to come up with some myself … and no one deserves that, certainly not those who end up reading them.
Regards Korbn, one of your many hunter disciples.
Another great blog Daniel. Wait…Daniel? No…you has a piece of Ulduar gear you sneaky little dwarf! It’s great to know you’re still around even though you’re not blogging. Just seeing your active armory page is enough for me. Something about it renews my interest in the hunter class, and makes want to get rid of my icky MM spec and break out the spirit beast, as well as search for the other one.
In closing, I want to say thank you Daniel and thank you BRK. You will forever be the spirit of my hunter…Craigfatts of terenas.
I laughed so hard when I read that the first time it was posted and I laughed just as hard today. Stories like these are what made the BRK experience so much of what it was, not only could I get myself some top of the line hunter opinion, but I’d always walk away with a chuckle as well. Hope your doing well BRK!
Sounds exactly like my experience. Except it was the New York Times instead of the Air Force Times. And it was the university world instead of the military world. And it was 1989 instead of 1996. And it was the university’s public relations department telling me to never talk to reporters, not the chief of air force public affairs.
But the quote was twisted similarly badly. I haven’t spoken to a reporter since, in the last 20 years.
lol, Funny thing is most ppl see stories like this and think they are stories. lol, I remember my days in the Navy and had a few expiriences similar, not quite as awesome as that but you know. That was hilarious.
This was funny teh first time I read it, on BRK, and it’s funny now, even just thinking about this story makes my face crack, it’s such a good and amusing representation of everything my father used to relate to me about his time in the service…
Keep the mirth coming, it is the only effective weapon against the day – to – day drudgery we all must face. Thank you so much for taking a place at the front line of depression.
Great trip down memory lane for me thanks!
Loved this story on BRK, and was a good re-read here. I look forward to some more unread escapades soon!
I think the funniest part of this amusing story is your Commander knowing what you were going to ask, then the shirt telling you “You have kind of a reputation around here.” Priceless.
The sticky note story! I love this one. As excellent a read as ever, Airman!
OMG too funny! Great story. You always make me smile.
*giggles* That was hilarious! Thank you so much for posting this! I love your Airman Howell stories!
But yeah, last time I spoke to a reporter my quote ended up twisted. (I fly stunt kites and got caught by a reporter on the beach once.)
Excellent story as usual, reminds of the things I went through during my 12 years in the USAF.
Wow, a whole blog dedicated to Airman Howell stories! OH MY GOD I’M IN HEAVEN!!!!
“Like a Scottish terrier injected with Mountain Dew, I showered and dressed at the same time…”
O-M-G.
Thank you for the laughs!
We need more Airman Howell!
As long as you keep these stories comming, I will have my ‘fix’.
Reminds me about alot of the time I spent in the Army.
Attention USAF Airman Howell; aka Rocket Scientist; Secretary of WOW-Hunter Division; COMCINCDWARF of the DRENDEN SERVER; Noob helper, trainer, recruiter:
We (I) love the Airman Howell stories and this blog should stay. MRS. BRK should stay as well and I hope you know what you need to do to keep her, but your invaluable insight for WOW should NOT be the root cause of any marital problems, and if time is an issue then we can always accept a less involvement. But this “It’s ME or the BLOG” thing scares me. “You love that blog more than you love me!”
In the end, the wife is more important than the hobby, but if the wife is willing to leave you because of your hobby? Well then, quit your hobby and leave your 1,000′s of followers and fans, and by all means do your best to repair your relationship with your wife.
Anything else I might say you probably don’t want to hear, but buddies for life, Dan. I cam a fan. I consider you a friend. And I respect your contribution to the WoW community; I hope it hasn’t ended.
Longtime BRK reader here. I always skipped over the Airman Howell stories over there, reading this now makes me regret that.
I’m so glad that you are continuing to blog, i love your brand of humour.