Originally published on 25 January 2008, this is one of my best stories in terms of composition. The ending is probably the best I’ve ever written; this story’s snappiness is what I strive for every time.
I worked Defensive Electronic Countermeasures (DECM) and Electronic Sensor Systems (ESS) on U-2s at several installations around the world, but for three years I resided at Beale AFB, California. A special feature of the aircraft hangers at Beale is that they open to the west. What that means is that in the summer, in the afternoon and evening, the sun would turn those metal contraptions into giant Easy Bake ovens. The heat in there would skyrocket way over 110 degrees because of the complete and total lack of airflow. That giant metal box with the sun pouring heat into the entrance was basically a torture device straight out of The Bridge Over the River Kwai.
One summer’s afternoon, I’d been working on the flightline on a U-2 for a while and thought I had determined the problem with a system, but it was time for the shift change. So at 1530, I was passing on the information I had gathered about the problem to the oncoming crew. The person who would be in charge of the next crew was a notorious goofball, Airman B. Physically harmless but capable of extreme and aggravated incompetence, it was standard procedure to write down instructions so he couldn’t claim ignorance of what was expected of him.
In my shift-notes, I wrote about the problem on the aircraft, what I had troubleshot, what my thoughts on progression were, and a safety note about the heat that was going to be coming from the setting sun and to make sure he had water for him and his crew. “Do Not Get Dehydrated! This is critical!”
He asked me what his people could drink. What a goober, sheesh. Just drink from the Igloo cooler on the truck.
“I don’t have a cup.”
Use the cups in the box behind the drivers seat!
“Um, the box is empty.”
THEN GET ON THE COMPUTER AND ORDER SOME, NOW NOW NOW!! GET THE SYSTEM FIXED, GET THIS AIRCRAFT FULLY-MISSION-CAPABLE, GET IT DONE SAFELY AND DO IT F-ING NOW!!”
And I left. Golf was on the agenda, perhaps a quick 9 holes, maybe a full 18. Back home, changed, grabbed the clubs, hopped in the superhero-green Honda del Sol, and boogied over to the golf course, desperate to get in a foursome somehow.
Bingo! A trio of older guys had a tee-time but their fourth had just radioed, saying he couldn’t make it as there was a huge emergency at his work. Am I available? You bet! I got picked up and away we went.
After the front 9 holes were behind us, we all went to the clubhouse for a drink. It was really hot and we were sweating buckets. As we stood at the bar, an announcement was made on the PA.
“Colonel X, please pick up the phone; you have an emergency call.”
Imagine my surprise when one of my golf partners said, “Excuse me,” and went to the phone.
He picked up the receiver, said “This is Colonel X,” and didn’t say another word. That is, until a stream of Yes Sirs started pouring forth from his lips. The final Yes Sir ended as the phone was slammed into the cradle. He came back to the bar.
“Well Dennis, you’re gonna get a call in a second.”
“Why?” said one of my other golf partners.
“General Z is on a rampage. The Supply Commander just went ballistic because one of my maintainers ordered a criminally stupid part for a nuclear aircraft.”
To myself, I thought, one of his maintainers? He’s a full colonel? Oh my god, he’s the Maintenance Group Commander! I’m playing golf with the Maintenance Group Commander… and I think I’m down three dollars to him.
A quick aside on U-2s and nukes. U-2s don’t have em, don’t carry em, and have nothing to do with nuclear power or detonations thereof, whatsoever. I promise.
A quick aside on the The Air Force supply system. Air Force Supply delivers parts on a priority schedule, and each priority has a code. When you order a part, you put the order priority code into the computer so Supply knows just how fast to get you that part.
You need office paper, that’s low priority. A part for a truck would be higher priority. A part for an aircraft is higher still. A part for an aircraft on a war-time footing is almost as high as it gets. The only things higher are parts for Air Force One and an aircraft on a war-time footing with nuclear payloads. An order made for this scenario was called 1AA-priority – it might be called something else now – and causes a massive hullabaloo, with possible repercussions across the world if a part is critically needed and not immediately available.
And it really upsets some folks if you order parts for a nuclear aircraft when there are no nuclear aircraft on the installation.
Back to our story, where the PA made another announcement.
“Colonel Y, please pick up the phone; you have an emergency call.”
Sure enough, Dennis walked over to the phone. Jeebus, what is this, a colonel-reunion?
The third member of our golf group approached Colonel X and asked, “What’s going on?”
“Apparently, an ESS airman ordered Styrofoam cups for his guys, but ordered them as if they were a part for an aircraft carrying a nuclear payload.”
“He did what?”
“He said the outgoing shift chief told him to do it. I’m gonna kill someone; I really hate being chewed out by the General and the Supply Commander at the same time. Especially before I finish a round.”
“Oh, is that why he couldn’t make today’s golf, he had to go talk to General Z?”
“Yes. The general was quite surprised to get a call and learn that a pallet of 8 oz Styrofoam cups were ready to be airlifted from Texas to repair a broken, nuclear U-2, but there was a question of just how many cups a nuclear U-2 carried and where exactly they were installed, cause that’s ‘a whole lotta f-ing cups.’ The general said he thought it was a joke until a two-star explained that he wanted answers or General Z would soon be running the ROTC detachment at the Arctic Circle School for Advanced Polar Bear Studies.”
Back on the phone… “Colonel Y speaking… No sir… No Sir! Absolutely not sir.” And Colonel Y hurriedly put down the phone. He came back to the group, and said,
“The general asked me, ‘As you are the Operations Group Commander, I am relying on your expert opinion. None of your aircraft are nuclear, are they? There are no cups installed as equipment on your aircraft, are there?’ And then he slammed the phone down. I don’t know who “Airman B’s” preceding shift supervisor is, but he’s about to get a phone call from General Z and that poor airman isn’t going to know what hit him.”
And the evil, dirty PA came to life one last time.
“Airman Howell, please pick up the phone; you have an emergency call.”
And the three Colonels: the Operations Group Commander, the Maintenance Group Commander, and as I would learn later, the Medical Group Commander, watched me put down my drink and, with rubbery resolve, slink to the bar phone. I stood at attention because I had no idea what else to do.
“This is Airman Howell.”
“Airman Howell, this is General Z. How are you?”
“I was enjoying around of golf with a few of your commanders, but I don’t think I’m going to complete my round, sir.”
“Are you losing?”
“I think I owe Colonel X three dollars.”
“Damn good man but can’t hit a wood to save his life. Let me be quick; you’re on speakerphone here. Did you order or request or threaten anybody to order Styrofoam cups to be installed on a nuclear U-2, priority 1AA?”
“No sir.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes sir.”
“Airman Howell, Airman B seems to think you did.”
“Sir, I told Airman B to make sure his guys were kept hydrated while they worked on the flightline in the evening. I told him to order some cups from supply if he was out, but I didn’t tell him to pretend that cups are an integral component of a U-2, and I certainly didn’t tell him to have them expedited nuclear-priority.”
“I didn’t think so. Thank you airman.”
“Yes sir, thank you sir.” And I gently hung up the phone.
My drink’s location happened to coincide with the gaggle of colonels still at the bar, so that was where my feet took me. The Maintenance Group Commander looked at me, befuddled, and asked, “Well, what did he say?”
“Sir, he said that since you’re in my direct chain of command, it is improper of you to place any wagers with me, and as such, you cannot collect your three dollars.”
“Fuck.” Said Colonel X, as he brought his drink to his lips. ”He probably said I can’t use a driver, too, didn’t he?”
Daniel,
That’s hilarious, I really for truthfully laughed a great big belly laugh out loud.
Even reading it a second time, this story makes me laugh.
Thanks for posting here!
Fantastic story!
I got a few strange looks from around the office after reading that.
Couldn’t stop laughing.
Even better the second time around.
The story itself was just as hillarious as before, Reminds me of a few of my own stories, perhaps I will write one up some day soon.
I used to follow you on BRK, but i got to say, this is WAY better.
Just wish you’d post more often.
OMG I *heart* your stories!!!
YAY!
ha! you are correct, that is a wonderful ending. I am still chuckling. I easily visualize all these Airman stories (though a navy brat, my father was a pilot, and I did get to live on an air force base in Japan…)
wonderful. started out a day that promised drudgery with a smile. thanks
Yep. Classic Airman Howell. I love this one.
Still waiting for the Red Star-fueled Halloween Bunny story, though
How on earth do you always get into these situations?
Hahaha Good show! Very enjoyable
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Absolutely completely awesome!
Did I mention I laughed? Hard? 
I love that you’re reposting these. It was one of the Airman Howell stories that got me hooked on BRK in the first place, but hadn’t realized how many I had missed.
I love this story. The only one I remember that you told that was on par with this one was something about little empty but sealed bottles of hot sauce.
Daniel,
This really takes me back to my Air Force days, and interestingly enough I worked in Supply so I know exactly what you were talking about in this story. You seem to have a lot of stories to share so I’m thinking a sitcom could be in order. “The Misadventures of Airman Howell”.
I am soooooooooo glad that you re-tell your old stories, Daniel! As a late-comer to the BRK scene, I’ve missed probably all of them. Getting a chance to read them is a true joy. When I relay them to my buddies who served in the Air Force, they smile, nod their head and say things like “yeah…..yeah….man, that is EXACTLY how things went for me, too!” Thanks, Daniel and keep ‘em coming!
Just as funny–maybe funnier–the second time around! I was a bit higher than you on the pay grade scale, but I can fully attest to the likelihood of such goings-on–especially by the colonels. To this day, I can’t believe some of the things some colonels would tell me about other colonels; the inability to hit a driver would be fairly mild.
This is one of my favorite Airman Howell stories, hands down. Thank you for sharing it again.
Read it first on BRK, laughed again this time. Thanks for sharing… looking forward to more. Keep it up!
GREAT ending!
Seriously Daniel, these stories are brilliant.
Love these stories! I was never in any of the services but I’ve always adored these types of stories from my Grandfather (WWII Pacific pilot) and my stepfather (Vietnam – Navy AO)
Take care!
“Standin’ on yo’ mama’s porch / You told me that you’d wait forever / Oh and when you held my hand / I knew that it was now or never / Those were the best days of my life…”
This is definitely my 2nd-favorite Airman Howell story.
Daniel/BRK do me a favour and write a book would you, some of these stories are absolute gold and i’d love to have them in my grubby mitts so I could read them whenever I fancied it.
p.s. We has spirit beast, went to get leather, came back with kitty, top bonus!
One of the best Airman Howell stories I’ve read. Hilarious.
Hear hear! A book for the 2010 holiday season!
That’s amazing. Simply amazing.
Absolutely brilliant!
Marvelous, its a great piece of writing and the ending certainly got me trough my day.
I can’t wait to read more of your stories whether they be of Ariman Howell or anything else you want to share with the world.
Keep on posting Daniel.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen you go into overdrive-command mode…
…”GET IT DONE SAFELY AND DO IT F-ING NOW!!”. Hehe. I wonder what that sounds like, your podcast voice is usually quite calm.
ROFL the classic BRK cup story I loved at BRK and I love it here! This stuff makes my day! You REALLY should be a stand up comedian Dan you’d be the richest comedian alive! (Just imagine all the scrabble pieces you could buy
)
Well done.
Airman Howell stories are a hoot!
Airman B is a typical case of people in the military that pay absolutely NO attention to detail, and when it comes time to hang that ass out to dry, all’s they can think about is saving it and having someone elses ass hanging out there.
Keep em commin
By the way.. have you ever thought about writting a book based on life as airman howell? I mean honestly… you could make one fantastic book based on all of your memories and stories. Id certainly buy three copies
Oh man, that was one great ending. Really had me laughing out loud (to avoid the acronym). XD
Good stuff. Good stuff…
I second Chawa’s comment – how do you end up in these situations?
and you know, water IS important… almost on par with a nuclear shimmy-a-dig.
Aaah, the military supply chain, it never fails to astonish does it? I worked in a battalion level radio systems repair shop and heard some doozies from my team chief about how his platoon had ordered a M1/A1 back when he was an infantry grunt back in the 82nd but it never made it past the company level. I decided to try it in our shop, and ordered a MLRS (Multiple Launch Rocket System) just to see how far up the chain it would go….didn’t make it past our warrent officers desk, I think she must have heard them joking about it too.
Haha
Yet again a masterpiece. Love this. Witty like nothing before.
One of my favorite stories – right up there with “subconscious contractors” and the pool table one!
Seriously love this story! (as others have said, even the second time around!) Hope you put the tabasco one up on this site soon…
hahaha! I love it.
Man what a great story. You are right, that ending is CLASSIC.
“Sir, he said that since you’re in my direct chain of command, it is improper of you to place any wagers with me, and as such, you cannot collect your three dollars.”
“Fuck.” Said Colonel X, as he brought his drink to his lips. ”He probably said I can’t use a driver, too, didn’t he?”
Daniel, this is why I’ve been reading your blogs forever.
Epic, epic win.
As an Air Force brat, I must say that I love your Airman Howell stories.
See thats what i love about flag officers. They will put you in the shit if you deserve it but will be cool otherwise, unlike most butterbar through major.
Somewhere Colenel X is reading this going ‘son of a B, he owes me 3 dollars!’
Oh man that was hilarious, had to hold in the lulz before I got strange looks at work.
You need ot put out a 130-200 page book with these stories. You could include all sorts of things. I have a title.
The military is not what you think. Anecdotes and tales of Airman Howell.
Write it. I’ll give you 15 bucks for a copy.
Very snappy, glad to see you’re getting BRAIN a bit of exercise and hopefully one day collection of these anecdotes will appear on amazon. I will be watching your writing career with interested B.R… sorry, Daniel.
I love your Airman Howell stories.
And I agree with Richard, you should really write a book with these.
I’m so glad you’ve collected all of the Airman Howell stories in one place; I love milbloggers in general but I’ve noticed the tendency to amp up the outrage/defensiveness, especially in the last 100 days or so (gosh). It’s nice to read stories about the service that leave me smiling instead of grimacing or rolling my eyes.
Daniel, Thank you for a good laugh on a bad day. I can almost always count on you for that. We’ve all had a few “Airman B”s in our lives before. Not many have gotten us in trouble with a General and three Colonels. Congrats.
I can’t wait until I can say “I haz the Airman Howell book!” Lets make it happen Daniel!!!