So I’m getting a divorce. There, I said it. I have been going through a lot of grieving these past months, a lot of sadness, anger, and many completely sleepless nights, but I am finally able to accept it; my marriage is over.
My future-ex moved to Connecticut in February and decided not to come back. She has started a new life without me. We disagree over who will have primary custody of our son and I don’t know how much time it’s going to take for a judge to decide this, but my son has been living with me this entire time, I’m not giving him up, and I’m living every second with him as if it’s my last.
Although I finally have the strength to publicly announce my new lifestyle status as a divorced (in progress) father, I am not able to talk about the details. Everything hurts, everything is raw, nothing is easy. Perhaps I will go into the details of what happened in the future, as a way of dealing with everything. But not now; it’s much too soon.
Folks, I most heartily do not recommend divorce as a fun way to spend Spring. Do I need to say more?
My friends and family tell me that I will have a future, that I’m a going to date again, that I won’t be alone for the rest of my life. Dating? Me? I’ve thought about it for a long, long time. I’ve come to realize that while my heart was broken, it wasn’t removed from my chest. I want to fall in love again. I want to look at a woman, see her smile, and know that life is indeed good. Of course I don’t want to fall in love *now* for cryin’ out loud. I don’t want a *relationship* at all. My son is my focus; he’s everything to me. I’d kinda like a friend though, if that’s not asking too much.
I am now resolved. I’ve decided that I would indeed like to go see the new Star Trek movie with a new female friend, and all I have to do is find one.
Um… Just how the h3ll do I do that? I feel like I’m damaged goods. What woman would want to spend time with me? I already have lots of friends to whom I talk about my problems, what I’d really like is feisty and intelligent woman with whom I could have a little fun.
Is a 40-year old divorcing father who’s ex is 1500 miles away allowed to have fun?
I have no wisdom for you, sir, I wish I did, but I am certainly sorry you’re going through all this. Best of luck to you with the custody situation.
I’m also a site lurker, but wanted to say I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I hope everything works itself out for the best
My ex moved back to california in January. Hardest thing ever. Period. My heart goes out to you man.
I hope the very best for you and your little guy. Im sure he’s needing a lot of love and attention right now too. My heart goes out to you two.
much love!
Hello Daniel,
I’m sorry to hear about your divorce. It’s definitely no fun (my parents were divorced a total of 4 times; one each from other people and twice from each other, this last just this year).
I agree with everyone else, go see the Star Trek movie with your boy. It’s much more fun just being together and doing the “Dad and son thing” as we call it around here. I know that my kids get me though some pretty crappy stuff just by being there. Get all the kid-hugs you can.
I’d also suggest not going back to Wow just yet (if ever) if there’s any kind of custody question going on.
The fact that she left and stayed there may factor in your favor though. I’d agree with the others who have said to get the best divorce lawyer you can, because it’s still hard for a Dad to get custody (unless the mom is a real peice of work) in this country.
That said, I am keeping you in my prayers as well.
Love and much hope and support from AZ,
Julie AKA Diranda
Hang in there, life will get easier to live, and just make sure you don’t forget the “live” part. Mourning is perfectly acceptable, but you will get through it, and get past it. Best of luck to you, and I’ll keep you and your son in my thoughts.
Dear Daniel,
I’m sorry to hear that your marriage went this way and it gives you grief. Wish all of you (you, your son and your future-ex) best soon. Hope you will get over this in a good way. Many hugs.
I went down this road when I was 20 and it’s not an easy one. It took me several years to get custody of my daughter after my ex and I split it so I know what pain as well. The best advice I can give you is to take a deep breath and face each days as it comes. There’s not much sense in ripping yourself to pieces worrying.
I know you probably feel like you’ve been put through a chipper-shredder emotionally right now but you’re doing the right thing in focusing on your son. This entire episode is going to have a very profound effect on his life and the best you can hope for is that, when all is said and done, you and your soon to be ex can walk away friends or at least civil.
I could go on but I’m sure you’ve heard it, or will hear it all, from friends and family so you don’t need a random reader spouting advice on the web.
Best wishes to you and yours Daniel and just remember to breath.
Oh Daniel… I was afraid this was coming and I am truly grieving with you. It seems a little strange to have my heartbreak for you but Divorce is such an awful thing and in away The Husband and I have gotten to know you a little through your blogs, we have been reading for awhile. I hope you come out of this for the better. I hope your son understands that he is deeply love by both of you.
You and your family are in our prayers.
[...] Brain Needed Space » Blog Archive » The Big Exhale [...]
*hug* I went through a divorce, and even though I was the one who left, it was painful and messy and it hurt. A lot. I was such a mess that I ended up staying with a friend for a couple of months, until I could get back on my feet, get an apartment, etc.
Eventually, though, I started dating again. It was akward, weird, and fun. Now my current boyfriend and I are talking about getting married.
So, it does get better. Yes, you can have all sorts of fun, even if you have a kid, even if you are divorced, even if you’re not 20 anymore. You’re still a person, and you still deserve to enjoy life.
oh, Daniel… ::sitting by and simply offering a supportive presence:: I am so sorry for the loss of your marriage. And while people are trying to help by telling you that you can and will find romance again, you have a ways to go before you are ready. Let yourself grieve for the loss of what you had and when that is done, then you’ll be ready to decide whats next for you.
::gentle hug::
Sorry to hear what’s going on. I can understand how it’s hard to see the future nowadays. I can even understand how you feel like your ‘tainted’ goods, but your not buddy. These things happen and people realize that and understand it. You will find happiness out there. Hell, if you went to Blizzcon and told everyone you were Daniel Howell for BRK you would have no end of admiring ladies after you…
/hug (the manly kind of course)
Hope life starts feeling better and you feel a little more optimistic! You’ve got a great many fans/friends that you can lean on in the meantime.
Daniel, I wish only the best for you man.
I know those types of situations and while they really hurt you’ll soon find yourway to a happier life. Just keep your son in your heart and keep on chugging, you’ll be fine. ;]
Bets of luck, Zach.
Best*
Edit wasn’t working ;O
My heart is breaking for you, Daniel. Not that you asked for advice from your blogging community, but I agree with the prior suggestion (somewhere above) that it’s best to keep the personal details off the public blog–especially with a custody battle for your cherished son. Find a few caring e-mail, IM, or private blog buddies (preferably people you don’t know personally) to chat or blog with. It helped me more than I can articulate. As much as we want to hear from you on your public blog, please continue to exercise caution. All the very best to you and your family, Daniel. P.S. You are not damaged goods, but it may take a long time for that feeling to fade.
Damn man, thought things were going better for you again after you quit hardcore WoW blogging.
But perhaps it was already too late?
Good luck! Guess it will be very hard for all involved…
Sorry to hear it BRK.
I separated from my wife back in 2000 before we had kids and it was a rough 7 months. We were lucky and worked things out and ended up with 2 beautiful children but we still have issues just like any couple trying to spend the rest of our lives together.
Dating while separated can be tough, most women I dated during my separation did not want to get involved or attached because of the chance of getting reconciled.
In hindsight, I can’t say I blame them… lol.
I totally understand your son being the number 1 priority and I hope everything works out for the best.
Kitty,
Just spoke with Falkara. I’m so sorry to hear about this. I’m not really sure what the appropriate thing to say is here, but I do send you my thoughts and well wishes for a better tomorrow. I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that I wish you the best of luck with what your going through.
Sincerely,
Popcopy
Hey Daniel.
I’m sorry to hear this, but i’m sure you will get trough this.
And in regards of the female friend problem.
Get out there, we all know that you are a great communicator both in words and in text. Use this to your advantage.
It touches me that you feel that dedicated to keeping your son, and i wish you the best of luck.
Best regards
Daniel T.
Well dayum Mister Howell, of course you are allowed to take a friend of the female persuasion to see Star Trek. It’s imperative that the Howell son be happy so his dad can remain the best father ever! Go forth and start a new life.
Been married 4 times in the last 40 or so years. all of it hurt. however the last, one I said would never happened, turned out to be my best friend. still. she and I relate to each other and as a pair looking out at the universe, like no other relationship I have ever had.
I was done with it. I am, by nature, a loner. I am, by virtue (proper word to use? doubtful) of my vietnam stint, a loner. However my Jana brought me back to earth. after 10 years we realized we both liked living alone. I miss her badly, but I have not lost communication, nor have we lost our depth. just a bit of distance apart. sadly true. it turns out this is good for both of us. when we DO see each other it is wonderful. I am her tech support so get many calls and emails all the time. my stepdaughter, who now lives in Big Sur, is very close to both of us and it is a Good Thing all in all.
Mind, I miss having that smile (yeah, I caught that, and it’s wrenching to not have it there), or that scent of her. The very comfort of being able to sit without keeping the air filled with words. But that’s karma.
as for your being damaged goods – that’s one of those get over it things. it takes time, and your confidence needs to rebuild. but you have your son for focus. that’s very good. I took to work, and became a workaholic. good/bad.
hang in there friend. karma is mysterious but inevitable. we are reborn to dance together, and we will continue to do so until we all get the dance right. that’s how it works (to a buddhist at least…grin). no guilt, no trauma. it IS how it is.
one of my favorite zen sayings:
Don’t push the river, it flows by itself.
/shibumi
hey dan sorry to hear about what your going through. personaly i wouldent have a clue what your going through (being 15) but im pretty sure its not nice. GL with the case for your son and GL with life.
My son’s mother and I split up when he was three months old. Both of us were too young (sophomores in college) to know each other. My son is now 11 and a wonderful growing man. I made him my top priority and did everything I could to be with him as often as possible. The best advice I was ever given I’ll pass along. When he leaves to visit his mother, you’ll hurt just as bad ten years from now as you did the first day. You have to fill the space with things that make you happy. You’ll know what to do and don’t let the grief stop you from being happy.
Took me a couple years to pull things together, but you’ll find that women don’t view single men who love and care for their children as damaged goods. It is quite the opposite. Me, I found the love of my life on Xbox 360 a couple years ago – playing my son’s Viva Pinata game. Funny how it all works out. Best wishes to you and yours.
Daniel…
I feel your pain, and understand it, like many her, most pointedly…
You may not know me personally, and that may in fact make it easier to relate some of what you are feeling, if you ever need to just vent, know always you can do so to my inbox, and I will not judge.
I have been divorced for 6 years now, and it took some time before I could look for another woman to share my heart with. It’s one of teh most difficult things I have ever been through, but the divorce was easy compared tot he fight for the children…
Of that, all I can say is be the best father you can be, and be sure you can be ready for an unfair judgement… because that’s the only kind you’re going to find.
Be strong, tho, and make certain you try your best to help your son through this, because no matter how hard you think it is, it’s infinitly more difficult for him, and he’s going to need you.
My heart bleeds for you, friend…
Travis
I have to throw in a different viewpoint here. I am 31 years old and my parents divorced when I was three years old and I thank the powers that be every day for that. I have a great relationship with all 4 of my parents now and wouldn’t have it any other way.
I realize now that my parents had their differences and both of them have gone on to grow into amazing people, something that could never have happened had they stayed together. They love each other and both cherish the time they spent together but both have grown in two completely different directions.
My condolences on your current state of affairs, I can only imagine the hurt you must feel but time heals even the greatest of atrocities.
Everyone who has every read anything you have posted about your life knows you have been, are, and will continue to be a shining example of what some of us can only try and accomplish.
You are a diamond in the rough my friend and no diamond is made without a lot of pressure. I refuse to believe that you are damaged goods as believing that only means that most of us are beyond repair.
Keep your chin high and your hopes higher and ‘may the wind be always at your back and the road beneath your feet’.
Daniel -
I wish nothing but the best for you and your son during this difficult time. I cannot begin to fully understand the pain you are going through, but I know others who have. Keep you eye on the ball, and from the looks of it, your son is correctly at the center of your attention. I wish you a healthy and quick healing.
Daniel,
Just adding my own words of encouragment and wishing you all the best. As a child of divorce, I know how stressful these times are (and will be). But your focus on your son is truly remarkable and shows what an amazing father you are.
Better days are ahead my friend, that goes double for someone as fantastic as you!
-Sly
PS – I agree with the others. Take your boy to Star Trek-he’ll love it!
Daniel,
Sorry to hear about your loss.
Terrible to hear that although you made an effort to cut back on wow and spend more time with your wife and kid, it did not make much of an impact on the mrs.
I am just married 3 weeks ago, and maybe not the right person to hear this from right now but some advice nevertheless: DO NOT FIGHT OVER THE KID, if at all possible. Where I live there is a possibility of “shared parenting”, don’t know if that exists in the States too. A bit difficult to handle if parents are living across country from each other.
Do realise that this might be as painful for her as it is for you. And at least work things out as painless as possible, so that both of you can get on with the rest of your promising lives as soon as possible.
Best of luck to both of you. Good speed and loads of strength and endurance.
Daniel,
I know quite well what you are going through, my friend. I got married last May, and my wife left January 2nd. Recently she notified me she is going to file, too. While you have more years on me, and I was fortunate enough to not have to worry about fighting for custody of any children, I can assure it will get better. You will be fine. It’s going to suck for a while. If you handle at all like me you may go to bed every night, hoping you don’t wake up the next morning because the emotional pain is just too much to bear.
I’m sure it’s been said many times by the time you’d read this, but surrounding yourself with good friends and family really does help. I personally also ended up forcing myself to be pretty bitter about it. It worked for me, but I wouldn’t recommend that route for your situation. The great thing you have, though, is fans that really do look to you as a friend; whether as Daniel Howell or Bigredkitty, people care about you.
I hope you will be able to keep your mind in one piece as you go through this. It will be hell, as I’m sure it has been already. Your friends and family will be your guardian angels. Good luck with the custody for your boy, as well. He needs to be with who would be best for him, and we all know you’re a great father. I know I am not alone in wishing you luck with the courts if it becomes that kind of situation.
Take care Daniel sir, I shall keep you and yours in my thoughts.
John
Just make sure you son understands it’s not his fault, ‘kay Daniel? Kay.
i my self went through my parents getting divorced back when i was about 5 years old, so i know what a life changing event it is, but as they say “life gose on” it will take time, but you can do it, and i hope you can keep your son, a son needs his father more than his mother, moms just cant exsplane the “guy” stuff to boys or do the guy stuff. good luck my friend.
I’m sorry to hear this coming, Daniel. I had sort of suspected that this was a possiblity from the ending of the BRK blog, and I hate to see it confirmed.
To answer your question – you have every right to want to go see a movie with a female friend, but I also echo many others here by saying you should go to the movie with your son, if he likes this sort of thing at all.
Oh, and to the ‘World of Warcraft’ poster… well, I can’t express my feelings towards you in a way that won’t get me censored.
With sympathy,
Thrornir
Hugs, BRK, that hurts a lot.
holy crap…. :*( don’t worry daniel all pain heals eventually
As someone who’s been on your son’s side of it. Enjoy your time with him, however long that might be. I agree definately with the above posters to get the best d@mn lawyer you can find, you’ll need it, I’m sure.
The most important part, and the part i stress the most… Don’t stop living, spend every moment you can with your son. I imagine you’ve explained it to him, at least as best you can given age and understanding of the situation, but don’t forget to ask him about it. Sometimes that can give insight you never really thought about.
Hang in there, man. You’ll be fine with time. To be honest, the worse may still come. Be true to yourself and your son. Simply keep to the high ground as I have no doubt you will. I feel your pain. Love will come to you again.
Daniel,
My heart breaks for you, your passion for everything your involved with is on display for all to see. Time heals all wounds, be there for your son no matter what, and know that there are many of us out here thinking of you. :]
Michael
Good luck and good wishes to you!
Daniel,
I went through the same thing two years ago (and I’m just a year younger than you.) I am the primary for my daughter. What you feel is fear. You can do it, just as me and others have done. Don’t go looking for another woman yet, just take it easy, and just enjoy the thrill of actually being a successful single father.
Damaged goods my ass. Nonsense.
Give it about 3 or 4 years, don’t rush into dating. Get happy being on your own and someone else will turn up. For what it’s worth, I’d say the total WoW immersion might have been a symptom. Don’t beat yourself up too much about that.
And another thing, sorry, get two copies of the Sandcastles book on divorce and kids. One for you and your ex. Required reading. Absolutely. And a good book for the kid is “Dinosaur’s Divorce” or something like that. Counseling can help you retain perspective while navigating these rapids.
And don’t forget that divorce is an adversarial process, but it doesn’t have to destroy your future relationship with your ex and your son. Just remember to take care of your son, you and your relationship with your ex in that order. She’ll be taking care of herself.
Don’t get sucker punched legally because you’re carrying guilt.
I wish that I could tell you something that would make everything better, but the best I can do is say I’ll keep you and your son in my thoughts. Much love to the both of you.
Not to sound like an uncaring @$$hole, but does this mean more hunter tips coming soon?
I totally just jemmed strength and spirit on my helm…
Don’t have any good advice for you i’m afraid, just to say my thoughts are with you.
Ary
Hey Daniel
Humans are made to adapt and survive. Until you do though, here are some thoughts that might take your attention away from the pain for 5 seconds.
Didn’t Spocks hair look just like Jim Carey’s in dumb and dumber? And have you seen dave chapelle make fun of “white people”? That was the enterprise doctor, right there.
And remember.. Only floss the ones you want to keep.
I’m so sorry, Daniel. Sorry for you, sorry for your son, and for the Happily Ever After dream that is no more. I’ve been through a painful divorce with kids, the best I can tell you is take each day as it comes. Breathe, enjoy every minute with your son, and give yourself time to heal. You’re going to be raw for a long time… utilize your friends and family to help you stay sane. ~Hugs~
-Del
Ay Caramba, Daniel!
My only advice is a negative. Please don’t change jobs for awhile….now is just not the time to make that decision.
Feel for you, and of course your allowed to have fun. Sorry to say this though, in having fun, dont drag alot of people into your sons life(I didnt bring people around my daughter, until I proposed to the girlfriend).
Best of luck