So I’m getting a divorce. There, I said it. I have been going through a lot of grieving these past months, a lot of sadness, anger, and many completely sleepless nights, but I am finally able to accept it; my marriage is over.
My future-ex moved to Connecticut in February and decided not to come back. She has started a new life without me. We disagree over who will have primary custody of our son and I don’t know how much time it’s going to take for a judge to decide this, but my son has been living with me this entire time, I’m not giving him up, and I’m living every second with him as if it’s my last.
Although I finally have the strength to publicly announce my new lifestyle status as a divorced (in progress) father, I am not able to talk about the details. Everything hurts, everything is raw, nothing is easy. Perhaps I will go into the details of what happened in the future, as a way of dealing with everything. But not now; it’s much too soon.
Folks, I most heartily do not recommend divorce as a fun way to spend Spring. Do I need to say more?
My friends and family tell me that I will have a future, that I’m a going to date again, that I won’t be alone for the rest of my life. Dating? Me? I’ve thought about it for a long, long time. I’ve come to realize that while my heart was broken, it wasn’t removed from my chest. I want to fall in love again. I want to look at a woman, see her smile, and know that life is indeed good. Of course I don’t want to fall in love *now* for cryin’ out loud. I don’t want a *relationship* at all. My son is my focus; he’s everything to me. I’d kinda like a friend though, if that’s not asking too much.
I am now resolved. I’ve decided that I would indeed like to go see the new Star Trek movie with a new female friend, and all I have to do is find one.
Um… Just how the h3ll do I do that? I feel like I’m damaged goods. What woman would want to spend time with me? I already have lots of friends to whom I talk about my problems, what I’d really like is feisty and intelligent woman with whom I could have a little fun.
Is a 40-year old divorcing father who’s ex is 1500 miles away allowed to have fun?
Hang on there for your boy, Daniel ..
I am sure u will get thru this hard period of time
I can’t provide you with any wisdom but what I can do is post this message of support and hope that just maybe, somehow, it’ll help.
*hug*
I’m a lawyer and I deal with a lot of divorce cases. Here’s a few things you might want to do that most people don’t consider at first when getting divorced.
-First order of business is to get all your legal papers togethers. This means taking every bill, contract, house papers, receipts, anything that is written down including emails. Try to go back as many years as you can and don’t forget you tax reports. Photocopy everything and put it all together in a safe place only you have access to. You never know what will be needed.
-On the same note take pictures of your house, car, and other valuables. If possible before anything gets displaced.
-It is vital that you be honest about everything even if it’s not to your advantage. You want to look as sensible and reasonable as possible. The more straightforward you are the shorter the proceedings will be and it can help you a lot with custody issues.
-Be ready to negotiate. You won’t have everything you want and you will have to concede on many points. It’s not about what you think you are entitled to. This is where the papers will come into play if they have to.
-Don’t fight on custody. Sounds weird when that’s what you want but judges will consider how your son will be affected by who gets custody. The more you can keep the same environment going on the better your chances. If you are overly combative it will hurt your chances a lot. In a close case the judge will often ask the child who he wants to lives with, be ready for this, seen lots of dads and moms get devastated by the answer.
-Finaly the WoW issue. It will hurt you, a lot. You have a mile long track record on this. Cede that point quickly and show how you tried to rectify the situation, don’t dwell on it. Rather show your positive actions for your son in other aspect of your life. By getting over WoW quickly it may minimize the damage.
Hope it helped a little and hang in there. And get a lawyer asap…
I have nothing of any import to add other than to say your writing has been uplifting and helpful to me on numerous occasions so rest assured that my thoughts and cares are with you during what must be a very difficult time.
I also went thru a divorce. As a mom, my worst nightmare was that of losing custody of my children. I was a brand new college graduate (at 35 yet) on a new job and a very low pay. My husband had a good job and much higher income. Keep in mind that your wife loves your son at least as much as you do and has spent more time with him then you have (due to WoW) resulting in having much more to lose emotionally then you. You may very well get custody. Boys do need their dads. If you do, please remember and be cognizant of the devastation your wife is going to feel and keep her in the loop at all times. If shared custody could be managed it might be best. every other year? no idea what might be possible. have to think outside the box on that one. anyway, goodluck!
So sorry to hear the news Daniel. I was hoping that your change with Wow was helping you fix your marriage situation, but I guess that didn’t pan out.
While I can’t speak from experience, I can’t imagine getting into any relationship at this point (even a “friend”) would be a good idea. I’m sure part of you is looking at your age and going “times a ticking”, but as others have said you need time to distance yourself from this, and I’m sure its not even really finished yet.
Others talked about giving up wow during the divorce proceedings, and at first I thought they were kinda overreacting, but giving your “fame” within the wow community, they may be right. Certainly, it would have to have a very low profile.
As a member of the wow community, I for one, miss your insight and podcasts immensely, but certainly not at the expense of your well being.
Hang on there, have fun with your son (I know you are), and know that you have the support of hundreds.
Good luck BRK.
So sorry to hear the news. I’ve known you mostly as BRK and have loved reading your blog entries on both BigRedKitty and your new site. You’ve been an inspiration as well as providing some humor into my life. Hang in there. It will work out in the end, even though it may be difficult right now. You have a lot of people supporting you and wish you nothing but the best. Good luck
Im sorry for you man. I can not begin to understand the pain you must be going through my prayers go out to you and yours
Oh Dan..(if I may call you that) I’m so sorry to hear that…
*hugs*
Hey BRK…
I just broke up with a woman I loved deeply, so I can kind of relate…
It hurts, but you’ll get through it, and be a stronger man because of it.
Good Luck BRK
Daniel,
I am sorry to hear the news of your divorce. I can’t offer much help on the divorce or marriage thing as I am 33 and never even got really close, and nothing I’ll say here is going to be anything you haven’t already thought of, but I’m going to put it here anyway. You opened your world up to us with your post, so here’s mine.
My Dad told me he wasn’t going to live with us during my 8th birthday party. He left my mom for somebody else, and moved about 5 miles away. After a bunch of nonsense, my Mom and stepfather moved us 800 miles away to South Florida, and my Dad was devastated, or so I hear. Once we left he never bothered to spend the time to figure out who I was. To this day I think he sees me as 18 or so, and has no real idea who I am I don’t think. I hope that everything turns out best for all parties involved, but no matter who your son ends up living with, make sure the other parent really takes the time to know who they are. I’m sure it won’t be a problem for you to do that if he ends up with his mom, but I had to put it out there anyway. My thoughts, my hopes, and my prayers are with the three of you.
All my best,
Dan
“Is a 40-year old divorcing father who’s ex is 1500 miles away allowed to have fun?”
Um no to be honest. Ratchet back your life a bit. Take the time to be with your kid. Think about what went wrong with your marriage.
And please for the love of God, stop playing WOW. Honestly? Hard core raiding and a kid and a wife and a job don’t always mix and in your case it imploded. You can keep your kid, but honestly to do it it may be time to let your subscription lapse and hard core spend quality kid time. Multi-tasking raiding and single parenting is rough stuff and not always a success.
I know I’m going to hear an earful from people who are all “my guild is doing hard more 5 nights a week and blah blah blah”. But ya know what? While it may work for some it doesn’t for others.
I am so sorry for all of you. In some ways, i think it is harder to deal with the than the passing of a loved one because just when things start to settle, they churn up all over again. I too, am one of the “walking wounded”. My second wife and I just enjoyed our 24th anniversary. We are both “retreads” from former, unsuccessful marriages. So, yeah there’s hope and it will jump up and smack you when you least expect it.
Gareld and Mister Bunny in particular have given you some good advice. If you are still playing and blogging, I hope it’s after your son goes to bed. Budgeting your time is critical even if WoW and blogs are therapeutic, the boy needs to come first. Lastly, no matter how angry and hurt you may get, remember to always take the high road. You at least get to deal with this as an adult, while your son does not. Your influence on him will form the basis of the relationships he will form with his own kids someday. Even when they get to the age where they stop saying they want to be like Daddy, you’re still the role model or benchmark he will have to work against. Love him, enjoy him and never dog Mom in front of him.
Prayer and wishes for best of luck on the long road ahead.
I don’t know…the last 2 comments annoy me.
“Is a 40-year old divorcing father who’s ex is 1500 miles away allowed to have fun?”
YES. Something tells me you’re a good father. I refuse to believe wow has more of an effect on a child whose father is there, at least in the physical sense, than not there AT ALL. You’re also human, which allows a degree of imperfection. Call me delusional, but consider this – I grew up without a father since age 10. In hindsight, I’d much rather have had my father playing video games/blogging (*gasp*) all the time than be out until the wee hours of the morning, or worse, not coming home for weeks at a time (and eventually leaving for good). I see Hoder’s comment falls in line with mine.
Good luck BRK. What time is the movie? /wink
Anyways, don’t worry, not a thing in this world is guaranteed, and as quickly as life changes and brought divorce, so can it change for the better
LJ,
No one suggested that Daniel isn’t a good father, on the contrary, he seems to be trying to be a great one. But be realistic, there are only 24 hours in the day and doing the single parent thing takes a lot of time. Work, making meals, getting his son back and forth to school, keeping house, doing laundry, caring for pets, helping with home work, supporting extra curricular activities at school or sports, sleeping and lots of other things I probably missed all take time. Blogging and raiding compete with that. That’s why I said that “Budgeting your time is critical …”.
I’m sure having your father at home gaming would have been a huge improvement to having not been there at all but, wouldn’t having him be focused on you and any siblings have been even better? While I’m sure that there are a lot of people out there that might disagree with me but, being a parent is about keeping the focus on what’s best for your children, even when it means great sacrifice. They don’t ask to be born but once they are here, they are our responsibility. As fathers, we are the reference point for our sons as what it means to be a man and a father. That can mean they want to emulate you, be the polar opposite of you or something in between.
Also, as Gerald pointed out, don’t think for a minute that blogging and WoW aren’t going to be an issue in the custody hearings. Her attorney will likely try to gain a lot of leverage out of the fact that he still raids and gave up one blog only to start another. He will likely need to convince a judge how this is not a detriment to having sole or primary custody. That’s why budgeting and prioritizing time is critical.
Sorry to digress a bit on your thread Daniel. Best of luck to you.
“I refuse to believe wow has more of an effect on a child whose father is there, at least in the physical sense, than not there AT ALL.”
I think that’s something that only he and his wife can really know, at least for their situation.
I’m a long time BRK fan. I’m a Wow player, and guild leader and I’m a married woman. My husband plays as well. We don’t have kids.
Reading the old BRK blog, and seeing how often he was raiding and blogging, I would say to my husband that it seemed like a lot. I know how many hours a week raiding (we’re also in Ulduar), takes, plus the farming to support it, and my guild is not anywhere near as uber as Daniel’s is. I can guess at what sort of time doing a solid blog, with constant updates (hello WOTLK beta!) takes. There are only so many hours in the day and eventually something has to go.
In this case it was the Mrs.
I can’t be the only person who was not surprised (although saddened), by the announcement that his wife had left. When the BRK blog ended, but the achievements kept getting updated, I said to my husband, “the dude is still playing too much for a guy whose wife sounds like she’s had enough of the game”. I think may of us have known people whose relationships were ended by the game, or who dropped out of college due to too much raiding. It’s the not very pretty face of Wow.
Relationships take a lot of time to do well. They also usually take compromises. As much as I like Wow, if my husband thought that it was causing problems with our marriage, or if I felt it was, we would both cease playing. No game is worth a marriage.
So yes, a daddy playing wow too much can be as bad as or worse than no daddy, if it causes mommy to leave.
IMHO and all of course, but I’ve been around the block a few times, and seen my share of bad relationships, amongst friends and relatives. To me time is the key factor in keeping a relationship going. Spend it wisely.
Feel for you man but it appears everyone will be better off. Can’t say that I’ve ever seen a mom up and Alt-F4 move away from the family like that. Granted no one ever knows all the details/truth when emotions are so raw. I’ve been REAL close to what your going through… for the same reasons. Regardless that’s pretty effin harsh on her part.
Man, I need to read your blog more often.
I’m going to try to boil this down to a very short story. I was divorced at 40, but there my circumstances probably differ from yours – my ex and I had no kids together and the first marriage only lasted 2.5 years. Nevertheless, I can safely say getting divorced (when you’re not the one who came up with that idea) totally sucks. I was lucky in so many ways. My friends really helped me hold it all together. At first it was really hard to talk about it because the circumstances to me were so humiliating. I had always thought I’d be the guy who never gets a divorce.
I eventually got back into dating, and I can say here you should brace yourself for a bumpy road. It’s necessary and I’m sure it’s the only way through that keeps your sanity – let alone your pride and self respect. Now matter how you feel about your ex on any given day, there will be times that your heart is muddled. The first few relationships I tried on were definitely bumpy, and I think in retrospect I wasn’t ready. OTOH, trying them on I’m sure helped me get ready.
Now here’s the good news. I did, in fact, meet a wonderful woman. And we fell in love and now I’m married again. She’s divorced once herself and has two kids that I really love. There are many things about this marriage that are so much better than the first. For one thing, we’re both very aware that a relationship is work and you have to both be taking care of it if you want it to be any good – and we’re both very much of the mind that it’s worth taking care of. I think my point here is that you’ll be bringing some wisdom from these terrible days into your future relationships. That’s the up side – you’ll be much wiser about how to take care of a relationship and also about what you really need in a mate.
Oh, and as for how to meet someone who would like to date a guy like you – as one fellow rocet scientist to another – try eHarmony. It worked for me and for several other guys like us that I know.
Take care man!
Just read through the posts and there’s lots of good advice there. Another important consideration is to get a good financial advisor. Your lawyer will help with custody, but might not be the best advice on retirement, taxes, or how to minimize your childcare expenses.
Don’t get me wrong, your focus must be on your son. Just don’t get tunnel vision…you need to leave yourself in a position so you’re ready to move on when the time comes.
I went through a divorce recently and I regret I didn’t take the finances more seriously…hope you can learn from my mistakes. Good luck to you
It’s a rare physical pain that can match a broken heart.
I think it’s a mistake to speculate on what caused the machine of divorce to start to turn it’s ugly wheels. A lot of these posts seem positive it was this or that specifically. Truth is,we don’t know. THEY may not even know for sure. Best thing we can do is become well wishers for all involved.
Daniel,
Know that you will get through this… It is going to be tough for a while… but it will past… and there will be love down the road… Just heal for now… Let all those raw emotions and feelings heal. Take your son to see Star Trek… I am sure he will love it.
Michael
daniel,
i am saddened to hear of the end of your marriage….i’m going thru the same thing…the end of a 25 year marriage but fortunately all my kids are grown.
imo, the first priority for you and your soon to be ex is the boy…nothing is more important right now and if you both have to turn yourselves inside out and upside down to make it right for him then my recommendation is to do it…he will be with you for such a very short time…soon he will be more interested in spending his time with his friends than his mom or dad and then soon after that he will be gone…if at all possible the two of you should live close to one another so he has full time access to both parents…i kno that can be a tough one but he’s worth it
wow it just hit me that i’m being pretty presumptuous giving you advice from a complete stranger…i kno you will do what you feel is best for everyone…hang in there and i promise you it will get better…take care of that little boy and much luck and love to you all *hugs*
rose
I don’t know your wife or you, but I was that kid that got asked which parent he wanted to live with. I lied, because my mother threw a huge guilt trip at me. I regret my decision to be raised by my mother daily.
Best of luck to you.
*Hug*
Really sad to hear the news Daniel – really really sad. It’s great to hear that you’re enjoying your time with your son while you have him, and I wish both you, your soon-to-be-ex-wife and your son all the strength that you’ll all need over the coming period of adjustment.
I’ve enjoyed being (vicariously) part of your life for the last, 3ish years and can honestly say that the BRK hiatus, the new blog and the self reflection has been a privilege to be part of.
The next stage of your life belongs to you and I’d encourage you to peg back a little in the upcoming months as views expressed in public forums can come back to haunt you.
I hope that you all are able to maintain a friendship and at least some degree of love for one another – and I’m praying that you all are able to come to an agreement which is best for everyone concerned.
Thoughts, love and prayers from my family in New Zealand to yours up there in the US,
Rob
Spend time with your son. Your on the right track. My parents just got a divorce about 2 months ago and my Dad has not given me any attention at all. My Mother moved away too, just like your sons. I’ve been heart broken. It’s been really tough.. Reading this has given me my Dads perspective, though. That helped. Realize it’s not only hard for you, it’s also hard for your son.
Your the strongest guy I know, and this is only going to make you stronger.
-Jake
Aw, man. My sincerest sympathies to you and yours.
/hugs
I could see there were some issues earlier when you left WoW. You were so dedicated to fixing the problem…I am truly sorry it has turned out the way it has.
Be strong. You’re doing the right thing, focusing on your son. As a young woman who has gone through this, now twice, I can tell you with sincerity that it will get better…but it does in fact take time.
Keep writing. That helps as well.
Treeannah/Gwen
My sympathies and sorrow to hear about this, BRK. Though I know little of what happened here, I do know that you made every effort to reconcile things with your family…from taking the initiative to visit your wife in another state when things were obviously bad to trying to change your entire WoW lifestyle in an attempt to fix it…and that in itself shows what kind of a person you are. You are a good man, you’ve become a good father, and you definitely deserve to have a good life. My dad recently tried dating again at 60 and had probably the most fun I’ve seen him have in years.
As far as WoW goes…I’m going to go against the grain and recommend that you keep up with raiding or at least logging into the game here and there. Everyone needs a support group when going through such a transition as divorce…and good guildies/friends can provide this. Just be sure to budget your time while doing so.
TL:DR version – Date. Have fun. Play with your son. You’ll make it through this.
I am so sorry to hear what is going on with you BRK. You havent seemed happy since you stopped the BRK blog, and that makes sense now. My heart goes out to you.
Kiya
I am sorry to hear about this Daniel/BRK. Best of luck with the custody situation. I know if would be incredibly difficult to allow my wife to take the kids 1500 miles away. It tough enough when it is for a day or two. You are definitely entitled to a little fun. I know that you will find a new lady friend to see movies with soon especially if you are keeping up the fun-loving exterior that made you an ultra popular blogger/podcaster. I wish you the best my friend. Stay strong.
Sorry to hear about it even if the blog kinda showed it was coming.
Been there, done that, got the bill. It’s a big bill.
Listen to your lawyer, not your friends or your heart. It will be about money and custody, and money will follow custody.
I spent 30K trying to get custody of kids living with me from a mentally ill mother. All it did was cost me 30K. I didn’t get custody. If your soon-to-be ex doesn’t agree, I wouldn’t fight. Fathers lose in the south. Florida is still the south, right? Fathers don’t do that well in the north. I’d even be skeptical if a lawyer said to fight, because the pricey divorce lawyers are mostly scum who will fight until your savings are gone and then tell you to settle on terms you could have settled on for free. But ask your lawyer. He or she will probably say to forget custody.
You will survive and come out the other side. Just keep repeating this: One day, you too, will be a divorced man. Millions of people survive losing marriages or parents.
But ask your lawyer about those movie dates, too. In my state, next to yours, your ex could get punitive alimony for adultery if she felt like it. You don’t even have to sleep with someone, you just have to be seen out dating. It might not be $1000/month, $12,000/year for the next 25 years. But it might be painful if she gets vindictive.
Which some of the most amicable divorces do. People who can get along well tend not to be divorcing. And a custody battle is going to get a mother’s back up.
Oof. Good luck to you, Daniel! *big hug*
Dan,
It hurts like hell, but the pain will go away. I know it sucks “starting over” at 40, but don’t stress and don’t push it. Make your son the focus of your existence, and everything will work out.
Like one person said, look at the custody battle to see what the odds are, and then pick the battle from that. Is she a good mother? does he love to see her? Is she stable, mentally competent, and loving? Etc… Most judges are going to side with the mother unless there is legit reason not to. And walk from a lawyer who says every battle is worth fighting. A good lawyer will tell you not to fight a losing battle, and might even try to counsel you into a pre-judgement amicable agreement with her that you two work out. Yes, they lose money, but a good one would rather see that money stay with the clients, especially if it involves kids.
As for the BRK; if WoW and the friends you had there were a crutch before, they will be even more now. Go talk and play with them…take your mind off the life stuff for a few hours, and you will feel better.
Good luck. Hope everything works out as well as is possible under the circumstances.
@ Mister Bunny “When the BRK blog ended, but the achievements kept getting updated, I said to my husband, “the dude is still playing too much for a guy whose wife sounds like she’s had enough of the game””
You know, he played less than he did before because of that reason. He spent more time with his son and did things like watching movies with him and things. Daniel didn’t TRY to ignore anyone, so you shouldn’t be trying to point so much blame or point that he purposefully tried to cause anything. Oh and also, your personal opinions of him are no business of yours to be putting out here, we honestly don’t care about what YOU think, we’re here to help Daniel.
@ BRK Sucks to hear you’re getting divorced, it’s a hard process. IF you’re feeling overwhelmed, you should kick back for a little while and just let it go. You’ll feel that much better.
Daniel, Brain, and Junior.
I know this is not an easy time for you, but keep the spirits up.
I am coming out of a long time without a partner following my own divorce almost 5 years ago, and my new partner has two kids of her own. there have been little tensions here and there, so I stopped in at the bookstore and found me a book to help educate me on what to do as a step-dad. “A complete idiots guide to step parenting”
In chapter 2 they quote from the parent’s without partners source book saying having a parent who dates provides an opportunity for the child not only to see a parent’s needs, feelings, and emotions. But also to give that child the encouragement to form relationships that “meet one’s needs, rather than to settle for what’s available.”
You may not be ready to look that far ahead yet, but when you do. Remember this. Don’t settle. You are allowed to have fun. Don’t waste the time you have by focusing totally on work. There’s a great big world out there to explore. Go do it!
Mrs. Brk…
gone?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
This is going to be a tough time for you, but you’ll adapt. It’s going to be rougher for your son, regardless of what parent he’s with. I’m speaking from personal experience. I never knew my father (died in a car accident while my mother was pregnant), but I knew a man who was my surrogate father. My mother made the “mistake” of marrying the first decent man who proposed to her, and she had my two brothers out of it.
As with most (if not all) marriages that are born of convenience rather than love, they divorced. I was 7, my brothers were 6 and 4. I was distraught because my life was in upheaval, and I didn’t quite get it. I was fortunate that there was divorce counseling at my Elementary school, but there was so much change in my life that I didn’t quite get it.
My mother spit venom at his name. I still called him daddy, and she would yell at me for doing that because he wasn’t my father. I was 7, how was I to know? She’d trash talk him when my brothers were home, in front of their face, and tell them how he was a terrible father.
The had divorced the school year after my 7th birthday (I’m a May baby). He had rented a magician and a one of those ‘Astro-Jumps’ for my birthday. He bought me my first Telescope. The previous Christmas he had loaded the box our new dishwasher had come in full of Power Ranger toys. He used to take us to Six Flags once every couple weeks. He smothered me and my brothers with love, we had an amazing life. He wasn’t all bad.
But I was 7 at the time, and my mother was telling me that my surrogate father was a bad, bad man… that he never cared about us, and that he just wanted us for money. Until recently that was the only truth of the divorce I knew. Now that I’m older, that I’m talking with him again, it’s nothing like that. He has a picture of me hanging on the wall of his house.
Whatever you do, no matter how the divorce goes, no matter how nasty the custody battle goes (which will be worse than the divorce itself), do not speak volumes of hate about your (ex)Wife like my mother did about my (ex)step-Father. It will hurt your son in the end.
And no, you are not damaged goods. You could kill a man and there will still always be another fish out there.
Oh, and another thing that I forgot to mention.
Once it’s clear mommy and daddy aren’t living together anymore, you need to do whatever you can to make sure you son knows it’s not his fault and that you still love him. That was another big thing I went through, and it didn’t help that my mother went from a stay at home mom to working full time and me having a mean, nasty babysitter.
A lot of the stuff that happened to me because of the divorce has really altered my perception of things. I’m slow to trust, slow to commit, and slow to forgive.. a lot of it because of the volumes of hate my mother spoke of the man I knew for 7 years as my father.
She still preaches it and it’s been 15 years.
BRK, I am a child of divorce. My parents split in a similar manner with my mother taking a long trek away from home leaving me with my father. Don’t worry about custody, at all. Most courts consider the child’s actual preference along with the obvious parent’s ability to care for them. Not all children default pick their Mom either, that only happens in movies.
As far as being damaged goods your not. Consider yourself a second helping of a great plate of dinner. An experienced man is not a problem for most women, in fact one that cares so much for his son is quite a emotional turn-on, if you will.
I wish you the best of luck. Hugs!
My heart goes out to you and your family, Daniel. The decisions made were not easy ones, and the repercussions will follow you all for a very long time, and in some cases, forever. Although I have made choices which I regret to this day, I can say for certain I do not regret the lessons I have learned along the way. They have helped to mold and shape me into the man I’ve become. They’ve helped me make the difficult decisions that have come later in life and face them with character and strength. You will find love again, if you wish it to be. Loving yourself and being at peace with your own life will help. You ask if someone could love someone who is “broken,” not realizing that everyone is broken in one way or another. Everyone is searching for someone who will strengthen the broken areas in one’s own life, and perhaps allow them to strengthen the broken areas in their partner’s life in return. The three of you are in my thoughts as you work through this difficult time. Be strong, be present for your son, and be patient.
It’s your intelligence and sense of humor that will help you most. Best wishes to you and your family.
Made me /cry
Andreas
(forskelligtrold on the forums)
So sorry it came to this. I doubt it was WoW as much as people are inferring, as you stated that you attemoted to remedy that (I hope) before it got to this point. Gareld’s advice is perfectly on point as I have also seen as an ex-paralegal and now in law enforcement. The people who fight over the interests of the kids both wind up losing and the kids scar the worst.
As to your bottom line: “Is a 40-year old divorcing father who’s ex is 1500 miles away allowed to have fun?”
I would offer that the answer is obviously yes, with a very careful definition of what fun is. And that would have to be defined very finely by you. My two cents-worth is that if you are looking for the same kind of options that a single guy with no child has…nah. And I’m sure you don’t want to look in the mirror 5 years from now and see one of those pathetic 45 year olds trying to live as if they were twenty. That brings you to the basic starting point of the caveat that goes something like…Point A.: I Shall Act My Own Age.
Next-the [i]kind[/i] of fun you can have should probably center around your son. Figure out what he wants and introduce him to the great things that are out there. Learning sailing? Fun for both of you. Powerboating with other single dads with beer/music/barely post-pubescent chicks and the kid along as an accessory? Not so much. I’m sure I didn’t need to spell that out, as you have Brain guiding you in most of this however, …”a multitude of counselors” and all that.
And I have to second what Hannah G said as well. A guy who’s really and sincerely into his kid is certain to attract the right kind of lady. And if that isn’t meant to be, it will serve as it’s own reward. My dad divorced and hunted around and left me on my own most of the time while he did it. Being second fiddle to that was no fun at all and left me to be raised basically by my peers.
You’ll get through this. Go to the movies as you can. Enjoy yourself. DO NOT tie down during this emotional time. Read. Think. Live.
With prayers, I wish you the best.
So sad to hear.
I wish you the best.
Dear Brk
Here on the other side of the world (Netherlands)
We want you to know that we liked the hunter blog and this one for all the good posts.
But we dont like this one.
But we can make it better:
New changes, new challanges, new oppertunities.
We know you are smart and strong enough to cope, overcome and become better out of all this.
We cant help you as much you help the w w w…
But we all still keep trying
GreetingZzz.. to You, the Kiddo, the (ex)Wife and Hobbes (and the rest)
It’s been a slow day at work, so I am going through some of my favorite sites. I knew you had quit your BRK blog, which saddened me somewhat as you are truly a gifted writer, but I understood. Family always comes first. I have just now stumbled upon, and learned of, your sad news. My heart goes out to you and your family. Divorce is not an easy thing. As many others have pointed out, your son needs to come first, and Daniel, I truly believe you are an awesome father. I don’t know you personally, but have emailed you a few times with some all important hunter questions, and just plain enjoyed reading everything that you write. You have compassion, intelligence, and a great sense of humor. I wish you all the best in the months to come. Get ready for a roller coaster of emotions. I was a divorced mom with 4 fantastic kids– which usually sent most men running away screaming—but I lived through it, and am now happily married again to the best man in the world. Stop and enjoy your son, take deep breaths, long walks, and never give up.
HuGz-
Janet
Well, I’m a bit late on the bus here, and I don’t know if you’ll even see this, but I’m sorry as hell for you. You were the main reason I quit playing WoW, as well, but I discovered something: No matter the extenuating circumstances, no matter the concessions, no matter the effort, some relationships just DON’T WORK. My marriage is currently limping along and if it weren’t for the kids, one or both of us probably would have initiated a separation months ago. As it stands, I’m not going to have my kids grow up like I did (i.e., fatherless and with a mother I really didn’t care for) so I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make sure my kids don’t have to go through that personal hell, even if it means being miserable for the next 20 years. Sometimes it’s no ones fault. Some relationships, even after years, fall apart due to a number of reasons. Occasionally, it’s inexorable. I know that doesn’t seem to be the consensus opinion here, but that’s the way I see it. I wish you all the best on your own (and from your recent blog posts, it looks like things are….better; maybe not ideal, but better), and I hope I run into you at a Con or somesuch at some point in my life. Raspberry latte on me
Kusamoto,
While that is absolutely honorable, what you are doing for your kids, don’t forget that if you are miserable your kids can see it, even if you think you’re hiding it. You can’t fake happiness for 20 years.
I am not a father, so in NO WAY will I judge. But I have to ask (because I honestly do not know); what would be better as a child:
-To have two parents that don’t get along and aren’t happy (but are together).
-Or to have parents that are not together, but are happy?
You said it yourself, sometimes it’s no ones fault, and if we protect our children at the risk of our own well-being, I don’t know if that is actually helping them or not.
Either way, good luck to you, Kusamoto (and Daniel!). Life just sucks sometimes, doesn’t it….
My parents got divorced when I was three. I think that there was some sort of joint-custody arrangement because I basically lived with one parent and spent the summers and some holidays with the other, then swapped every 4 years or so. I know my parents both feel a lot of guilt over what happened and how my childhood turned out, but I think I turned out quite normal and well adjusted, possibly because I was forced at a young age to be self-sufficient. I have no complaints or regrets about my childhood and I wouldn’t change a thing. My parents didn’t belong together and wishing that they never got divorced would have just made their (and probably my) life a living hell.
I think that the most important thing, other than hugging your kid and telling him that you love him every day, is to make sure that you and your ex-wife move past the blame and anger and treat each other in a civil manner, especially in front of your kid. Once the raw nerve endings calm down from the divorce, talk to your ex and come to an agreement that neither of you should ever speak badly about the other, even in jest, in front of your child. Your kid should never be a weapon that you guys use against each other, even unintentionally, so you should be careful to make sure that doesn’t happen.
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