When I was in Saudi Arabia, our little detachment of the U-2 community had a couple of trucks. My favorite was a Ford F-250 quad cab extended bed diesel affectionately named Rosanne. Rosanne was large, angry, frothed at the mouth, extremely loud, ridiculously in need of maintenance, and handled with the grace of a rhinoceros on ice skates. Her idle was set so that she traveled at 30mph without even touching the gas pedal. Rosanne commended the airfield; even the air traffic controllers in the tower knew who she was.
I loved driving Rosanne.
Need someone to go the Saudi commissary to buy Coke? I’ll do it; gimme the keys to Rosanne.
Need someone to drive into downtown Taif to pickup pizza? I’ll do it; gimme the keys to Rosanne.
Need someone to pick up stuff from the General Dynamics compound? I’ll do it; gimme the keys to Rosanne.
We’re going to lunch? I’ll drive! Gimme the keys to Rosanne.
I’m not a fan of trucks; I like sports cars. But there was something oddly satisfying in seeing a jet black Mercedes S500 haul @ss out of the way when Rosanne came up behind him at a Saudi stop light. I liked this big, dumb truck, and I considered it “Mine” for the time I was deployed.
And one day, a passel of us avionics troops decided to bust a move to get some shawarmas in Taif. (If you ever find yourself in a Jewish or Middle Eastern population center, seek one of these guys out, and get the lamb!) We needed two vehicles with all the people we had. Gimme the keys to Rosanne, right?
Wrong.
Some ASARS (Advanced Synthetic Aperture Radar Systems) puke decided that he wanted to drive Rosanne. He had never driven in Saudi and wanted to experience the thrill; who am I to stop him. Color me dejected, but OK.
Off we went, the regular old car in front with me shotgun, and Rosanne miserably lumbering along behind us, obviously missing me at her wheel. We drove, we turned, we cruised…
And then Rosanne went in a different direction. Where the {expletive deleted} did Rosanne and that fool go?
We got to the shawarma stand and it was delicious if not completely bereft of food-safety procedures – my straw had no paper covering, for starters. We finished our meal and Rosanne never showed up. So we packed ourselves back into the car and headed back to our compound… where the detachment commander was waiting for us.
Now in our small deployment, the detachment commander was a Lieutenant Colonel whose primary job was that of a U-2 pilot, but he was the senior officer so he was The Boss. He wanted to fly, not deal with disciplinary actions, so he was in a big tizzy when we pulled up. His oompa-loompa sergeant waved us down, made us pull over, extricate the vehicle, stand at attention, and the interrogation began.
“Do you know where the other people are? I’ll tell you where. They’re in prison.”
“Prison sir?”
“PRISON! And do you want to know how they got there?”
“Well sir…”
“I’LL TELL YOU HOW! Some {triple explicative deleted} airman was driving that truck and rammed a religious police vehicle!”
“He rammed…”
“A Religious. Police. Vehicle. Right up it’s @ss!”
“How the…”
“I’LL TELL YOU HOW! My airman is saying that the idle was set WAY too high and when he left a stop sign and tried to make a turn, the vehicle leaped ahead and he couldn’t turn it without the truck turning over!”
“Sir, Rosanne is a bit fast off the line, but it’s a very heavy truck and there’s no way…”
“WHO THE {extremely crude adjective and explicative deleted} IS ROSANNE?!”
“The truck, sir. It’s named Rosanne.”
“Rosanne?”
“Yes sir.”
“Like the comedienne?”
“Yes sir! Exactly, sir!”
“That’s actually kind of funny…”
“I think so too sir! In fact…”
“BUT NOT FUNNY ENOUGH TO MAKE ME NOT HAVE TO GO APOLOGIZE TO HALF OF SAUDI ARABIA TO GET MY AIRMEN OUT OF SAUDI RELIGIOUS PRISON!”
“Yes sir, ” I meekly mumbled into my chest.
“Airman Howell, I’m told this is your truck?”
“Well no sir, it’s not my truck; I just like to drive it.”
“You’re always driving it.”
“I like to drive it… but I work electronic sensor systems; I’m not a vehicle maintainer!”
“Regardless, you kept that idle set too high…”
“But I’m not allowed to work on trucks, sir!”
“And it resulted in an airman smashing into a member of the Saudi religious enforcement squad…”
“I wanted to drive! I was being NICE!”
“So when we get the truck back, you will ensure it is repaired properly…”
“With what? A fiber optic test kit and a soldering iron?!”
“Airman Howell, are you yelling at me?”
“Oh no. No no sir,” and I figuratively showed my soft, furry underbelly, as a proper airman should.
“I didn’t think so. I’m a pilot and I think my hearing goes out on me every now and then and I think I hear people over whom I have total control of their lives speaking out of turn and in a volume not normally associated with their position.”
“Yes sir. No sir.”
“When we get the truck back in a few weeks, you are responsible for getting it repaired. You do not have to do the work yourself, but it will be your responsibility to ensure the repairs are completed.”
“Yes sir, when do we get the truck back?”
“A few weeks; it was involved in an accident and the Saudi government is probably going to want to… uh… Airman Howell?”
“Yes sir?”
“Was it my hearing again or did you just express greater concern over a truck than a member of the US Air Force who, at this very moment, is sitting in a Saudi jail?”
“Umm… well I do like that truck, sir.”
Totally. Awesome.
I completely understand the attachment one can have for a vehicle. =)
HAHA its been forever since we’ve seen Airman Howell.
Funny as always
Awesome!
“Umm… well I do like that truck, sir.”
Classic.
Very funny. Thank you for sharing another Airman Howell story. I love them, they make me laugh.
Ohhh shawarma. So good. Last year I advised one of my guildmates about this delicious middle eastern creation and he’s been obsessed ever since.
Finnaly a Airman Howell story.. When I worked for the city we had a similar truck, except we called it Christine. I miss that truck.. Last I saw of it, it still had the dent from the post I hit while turning that was 3 foot tall that I couldn’t see.
Well, I wouldn’t be too interested in what happened to the other guys either if they were driving my car and had an accident…
And now I wanna have Shawarma and it’s all your fault. Funny thing about shawarma, though, it has different names in certain places. Like here in Japan they call it Kebab (which is something entirely different), and I was in a restaurant in the US once where they called it Shishlik (again, completely different). Oh, well, as long as you end up getting the same thing, who cares what it’s called?
* This comment brought to you courtesy of TJ’s “Becoming People Who Comment” project.
I had a truck like that once.
Big@$$ GMC Sierra, 1978. Bright blue, nothing undented, sounded like a jet engine gargling razorblades while being shoved down a hill of jagged rocks.
Ohh, and she was mean looking, too. Her grille was fixed in a permanent scowl from a previous owner, and she had the effect of making people swerve to GTF out of the way.
Wasn’t a damn thing that could stop her, either. I used her to pull a tree stump out of the ground once, and not only did she pull the stump, but the 4.5′ boulder that it was wrapped around.
Sadly, she eventually had to be taken off the road, as no amount of repairs could get her to pass safety inspections anymore.
Yay!! Airman Howell! I’ve never even played a Hunter, but I read BRK for these.
Hahaha, by brother in law has that exact truck. He took it to deer camp this year. Obviously not a very discreet truck. We had hunters from camps miles away threaten to kill him if he ever started it up again. The clak clak clak of a mid 90’s powerstroke… gotta love it.
Yes!!!
Thanks!
YAY! ARIMAN HOWELL! WHOOOOO HOOOOO!
Welcome back!
Awesome!
Airman Howell stories make me wish I’d followed through with my impulse to join the armed forces back in the day. I’d probably be in a lot better shape, and I’d likely have some awesome stories of my own to tell!
I am sure the ASARS didn’t mind. He wanted the thrill of driving in Saudi Arabia; the thrill of being in jail in Saudi Arabia is just an added bonus.
Great story. Love the Airman Howell series.
Too funny. Airman Howell stories are the best.
Daniel your whole life seems to be this great adventure & I’m glad you share it with the world.
With the crazed work day I’m having, I’ve given myself 15min of lunchtime to relax. Reading thsi made my lunch and as a result, shall definitely help me with the rest of the day. Thank you!
yeay! Airman Howell story! I hope you never run out of these…
Can completely comprehend the love for Rosanne, I name all of my cars.
My favourite was “Mavis” who was an ancient station wagon that behaved like an old lady… Wide at the back end, grumbled when it was cold and didn’t like the heat.. finally she rusted out and she was turned into a metal cube
Best days of my life in that car…
Happy Veterans Day, Airmen Howel.
/salute
Dun dundadun
dundadun dundadun
“MYYYYY Shawarma”!!
Better than kebab, better even that gyros.
Worth risking the wrath of a LtCol for, certainly.
Haha, that was sweet
Bwahahahaha!! I love Airman Howell stories!
Rofl. Nearly fell out of my seat laughing. You sir, have the gift of the funny.
Great stuff…someday I wanna hear the Range Rat stories, too…
That story has <3 written all over it
Chicken Shawarma
Chicken:
2 tbsp fresh lemon juice
1 tsp curry powder
2 tsp olive oil
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp ground cumin
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 lb skinned, deboned chicken thighs, sliced into strips
Sauce:
1/2 cup plain greek yoghurt
2 tbsp tahini
2 tsp fresh lemon juice
1/4 tsp salt
1 clove garlic, minced
Other ingredients:
Pita bread
Chopped lettuce
Tomato slices
Chopped red onion
1. Combine first 6 ingredients of marinade. Cut chicken into strips and pour marinade over chicken in a Ziploc bag. Marinade in fridge all day (or overnight).
2. To prepare sauce, combine yoghurt and next 4 ingredients. Mix well. The sauce can be made ahead and stored in the fridge.
3. Preheat barbeque grill. Shake the excess marinade off the chicken and thread on barbeque skewers. Grill for approximately 4 minutes per side until chicken is cooked through.
4. Sprinkle a few drops of water onto the pita bread, then place on the grill for a minute or two to warm, turning once.
5. To serve, place lettuce, tomato, and onion on top of the pita bread. Top with chicken and drizzle with sauce.
1. Thanks momzilla for the recipie! I’ll definitely be givin’ this one a try.
2. Many thanks for the Airman Howell story. Love it! And, as mentioned above, happy Veterans day, Airman Howell! (I know, I’m late – sorry!)
so the real question is … did you really fix Roseanne?!
Woohoo!! I love the Airman Howell stories!!!
My Spirit Beast is still named AirmanHowell, and I get an occasional whisper from a BRK/Daniel fellow admirer.
Nooooooo! It has to be lamb shawarma!
I spent some time in Israel doing research for my degree a few years back; practically lived off schawarma and falafel sandwiches…
Omg… wtb schawarma!
i cannot get me enough airman howell stories! you sir should stop doing what you do for a living and just freakin start writing the airman howell screenplay and its 5 sequels.
heh, I remember saudi, getting someone out of those prisions can be interesting. Alway had a few sailors and marines get locked up when we pulled into port over than way. Last one I remember were a cupple of them running from the police and jumping a fence, needless to say they ended up in a very important persons yard. ooops, that took some time to get them out, we were back out to sea and they met us in spain. Needless to say, they didn’t step off the boat for a while.
@Momzilla,
I cooked up the recipe for the family last night… it was AWESOME.
Thank you.
num num num
You have the best stories man.
So, what happened with the truck? Did it ever get fixed?
Ah, these stories never fail to make me laugh a bit. XD
It’s been awhile since I’ve read any of your stuff and I wanted to thank you for the laugh. Even back in the BRK days, your Airman Howell stuff was my favorite of all. I had a whole lot of funny stuff happen during my time as a medic is the 1st Cav, but I don’t recall it with such “vivid” detail.
Great story! Was Rosanne ever returned, and repaired?