Back in 1997, I was assigned to the 35th Maintenance Squadron, Misawa AB, Japan. My friend asked for my help with writing his performance evaluation. After having observed him for a year, I had some ideas that he could use.
Amazingly enough, I still have the list:
SSgt Barry’s* Enlisted Performance Report Stuff (for his part-time Air Force job)
Additional Duties:
Electronic Warfare consolidated toolkit etcher, painter, and mangler. Equipment and Spares scapegoat. Self-appointed (and unopposed) precision measurement equipment monitor. Flight Deployment Mongol.
Performance Highlights:
Directed dayshift operations, keeping the morale at a steady 5%.
Lead technician in upgrading the ALM-233C to ALM-233D, which involved the tricky and complicated installation of new speakers and a sticker.
Utilizing on-hand parts, designed and fabricated a way to beat the beejeezus of out Tool Kit #5, thus reducing the number of man-hours required to ignore this tool box during daily inspections.
Helped with the design and fabrication of the new deployment status board, which is now taking up space in the shop chief’s office. This virtually eliminates the possibility of not being able to bamboozle the Chief when he calls asking why our crap isn’t being processed for deployment.
Single-handedly performed a time-compliance technical order on the cooling tower that incorporates fans that sound better than the older ones. Coordinated with a pneudraulics guru on how to drag this maintenance out for as long as possible.
Determined that the corrosion shop was refinishing the forward transmit radomes with green jello, causing the neoprene to peel prematurely. Developed an in-shop preparation procedure to use red jello to “elevate” the problem.
Troubleshot a voltage-controlled oscillator tuning malfunction to a shorted control line. Problem had totally eluded the previous shift’s sleeping and hungover airmen.
Troubleshot a reoccurring “no time in” malfunction to a “beenie wienie” shorting across a 5-volt wire to ground. Removed the offending sausage, brought the pod back to fully mission-capable status with one bite.
Showed concern for the local economy and environment: volunteered off-duty time to assist with the Misawa Fishing Port Topless Tennis Tournament and the Miss Vidal Beach Beauty Pageant.
Was never on the Weight Management Program, but continues to hobble along the “I’ll Get A Haircut When My Hair Tickles My Earlobes” Program.
Did not receive a medal for just showing up to work, but did get a fish dinner from his wife for just leaving the house, which he threw out because he hates fish and got a burger but didn’t offer to get SSgt Howell anything, so he sucks and shouldn’t be promoted.
* not his real name, duh
lol the beanie wienie cracked me up.
LOL “…, so he sucks and shouldn’t be promoted.”
Cracked me up!
bwaaa ha ha ha aha –that’s funny..
hey –are you making fun of my significant and meritorious achievements?!!
Hehe…
LOL! This was fantastic. Showed this to my sister (ex-Navy and served in Masawa), and my pop (ex-Army stationed in Germany). All of us had some great laughs from that ever-so-familiar sounding list =P Wonderful story, as always!
Ahhhh reminds me of many nights spent in the “Midnight Requisitioning department” when I was in the army
Yay for PMEL monitors! I loved it when the work came to us!
That is the best EPR I’ve ever seen right there
I feel like I should know what all of those mean, but it’s a fine read nonetheless. Awesomely entertaining as always!
Wow…. this brings back memories of the old 4.0 eval system. In my division, we were always asked to write out our own evals. As long as it wasn’t too far out there and it could support the eval ratings, the div CPO would just sign it and send it to the Div-O for his just-out-of-the-academy John Handcock. I seriously wish I could get my hands on some of those old ones… there were always too many $5 words on ‘em designed to make the process of cleaning a motor-generator seem like we were reinventing the wheel.
I remember my first EPR that wasn’t a 5. That’s when I knew I wasn’t going to be in the USAF much longer. Seven years, 3 months and 10 days was plenty.
Ha! Did he improve his burger procurement skills after your eval?
This was really funny and it brings back memories of doing the same kind of thing with other people’s EPRs and Decs. I especially like the part about the I’ll get a hair cut when it tickles my ears lol. I worked with plenty of people like that. I spent some time over at Misawa myself, working in the bomb dump (IYAAYAS) as part of the 35th MXS. Gotta love fellow maintenance peeps, because at least they know what work is. Not like those paper pushing MPF or Finance guys lol.
Lol that was hilarious I miss the old EPR’s the new ones are Garbage. oh and TheKilled1 right back at you with the IYAAYAS. Currently Stationed at Spangdahlem. AMMO Hooha
Hey man,
I was a BRK guy…just wanted to say glad you kicked the habbit and happy to hear all seems great in your world….well, besides yankee candle.
Bertley of OTG
By the way the Neil Armstrong story….priceless.