DADDY DADDY DADDY CAN WE GO SWIMMING THERE ARE PEOPLE AT THE POOL AND SOME ARE SWIMMING SO THE WATER IS WARM ENOUGH TO SWIM AND I WANNA GO SWIMMING SO CAN WE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GO SWIMMING?!?!?!
“Uh, kiddo? You need new swimming trunks…”
CAN WE BUY ME NEW SWIMMING TRUNKS SO I CAN GO SWIMMIIIINNNNNGGG?!?!
“Yes.”
YAY!!
And we go to the big bad evil shopping center where apparently the 12.2% unemployment rate in Florida has no effect on their business ’cause the place is PACKED with people buying stuff, and we find some nice swimming trunks.
“Do you like the ones with sharks on them?”
YES I DO DADDY.
“Then let’s get them and…”
DADDY DADDY DADDY LOOK LOOK LOOK THEY HAVE PHINEAS AND FERB SWIMMING TRUNKS CAN I GET THEM CAN I CAN I?!?!
“Only if they have them in my size, too. Do you see lean-hipped Daddy-size?”
DADDY QUIT KIDDING I WANT EM PLEAAAASSSEE!
“Let’s see how much they cost… $2000. That’s a bit much…”
DADDY IT SAYS EIGHT DOLLARS. QUIT FIBBING.
So apparently he reads price tags, now. Awesome. I taught him to read… why?
We get home, and if it weren’t for the seat belt, he’d bolt through the car door and change into his new trunks en route to the pool. But the restraint held and I was able to get him upstairs to change properly and modestly. Beach towel acquired and to the pool we went.
DADDY ARE YOU GETTING IN?
“Kiddo, there are icebergs in that pool. It may be 83 degrees in the air, but that water has not warmed up yet.”
YES IT HAS.
“No, it hasn’t.”
YES IT HAS!
“No, it hasn’t.”
HAS HAS HAS HAS!
“You go try it, Captain Penguin.”
/sploosh!
DADDY IT’S REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY COLD!
“Score another one for Science, kiddo.”
And he swam and he swam and he swam, the entire pool to himself, because the college kids were much too busy tanning themselves in their own new bikinis and jim-jams to even contemplate attempting to become members of my son’s polar bear club.
Now of course I’m on the other side of the pool, away from the kids, because it would be creepy for a 41 year old guy to go jump into the skin-parade that is college girls and guys posing for each other. I know my place, right? Right.
I stayed in father-mode, watching the boy swim, throwing his goggles for him to fetch-n-retrieve, and just soaking in the atmosphere and cajoling my son into acting like something resembling a child with a modicum of pool-deportment.
“No running!”
“No yelling!”
“Keep your trunks ON!”
“Get out of the flower bed!”
“TRUNKS ON, KIDDO!”
“No spitting!”
“Stay in the pool area!”
“IF I SEE THAT LITTLE WHITE BOTTOM AGAIN, KIDDO, IT’S BEING SENT HOME!”
Success? I’m claiming it. Or I was claiming it, until this happened:
My son was happily paddling in the middle of the pool and went to get out on the ladder, which is where a phalanx of college girls had assembled to sun and talk. About ten of them, but I wasn’t counting. So the boy hops out of the pool, turbo-walks over to them, cocks his hips to the left, makes guns out of his hands, his index fingers pointing directly at the ladies, and says,
HEY!!!
And the girls look over at the soaking-wet seven year old, in the super cool Phineas and Ferb swimming trunks.
MY DADDY NEEDS TO MARRY A HOT LADY!!!
…
…
It’s not possible to crawl under a pool; that’s proven now.
That is super awesome! Give that kid $10!
Hahahahaha I love kids…! Maybe moreso today cause mine are at their dads so i had a lie-in.
Your lil guy is definitely from the same gene-pool as you – he cracks me up!
Priceless!!
Mine went swimming last week too. I think they might be insane.
Shhhh…
Wow i was starting to think you were dead. good to have you back! P&F is awesome.
Kids say the funniest stuff sometimes. My little nephew used to ask to watch Scubbidy Candles. It took a long time to figure what he was talking about… Discovery Channel.
But, that one is just priceless. And, I agree, give that kid $10!
Oh. Dear. Lord.
Win. Your kid is 100% pure win.
that is awesome. He’s your wingman!
PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dan, I`ve been following you since BRK days….I`m now going through the horrors of a seperation but at least my kids are grown up.
But that made me rofl
lol That’s priceless!
That is fantastic
roflmao! (said out loud like in the oxhorn video). He is too much! You must be having so much fun with him, Daniel. Keep the stories coming!
Your son is made of awesome.
I was beginning to wonder if you’d died too. You need to post more frequently, sir. People like you!
your stories are always the best, thanks for posting BRK.
You boy is the best!
As long as every post is a gem, I’m willing to wait. Great story.
Next time make sure he has pen and paper for names and phone numbers.
Could you ASK for a better way in?! Hehe. Aren’t kids great?
Yeah, I do get a little surge of “Sweet!” every time I see a (1) in my reader indicating a new post. Your style is great, and makes me laugh since the Airman Howell stories of back in the day.
cant help it wow joke inc
/shadowmeld
/use Heartstone
:_)
haha well at least you have his entire tween and teen years to embarrass him as much as you want
My day, it has been made. Thank you.
Thanks for the post! Sharpies don’t run in water. So you could get him to just carry one with him next time he goes to the pool.
Kids will bear anything for that first swim. I can remember being the first family there in the morning of the opening pool day. Despite the warning from Dad and the super-thin layer of ice on top of the water, my brothers and I braved the slow entry into the water. It felt great after getting used to it.
Awesome story, and I can empathize with the wanting to crawl under the pool. At least he’s looking out for ya.
that is awesome. I still fear when my own kid starts up with the antics like that. He’s just a few months behind yours in age.
I LOL’d so hard I scared my office partner….
He does not have kids.
He did NOT find this funny.
I think I wet myself….
That is hilarious!!! I agree with others, give that kid a ten spot. Enjoy these wonderful days where you are at least in their mind cause in the teen years, if you are at all in their thought, it will be the last thing.
Look at it this way:
Son + Puppy = Wingman of the Year!
Glad to hear from ya also… was wondering if you went under. Glad to find out your head is still above water.
I think I like the Daniel Howell stories more than I ever like the BRK stories… and I liked those a lot.
The boy deserves a big ice cream sundae for that one =D
Quite simply the funniest thing i have read in a while.
You had me gafawing!!
Once again an awesome post Daniel, it’s been said many times already, but your antics and your sons are the joy of my lunchtimes in the monotony that is work. Well done to you sir, and I really hope that all the nasty divorce stuff is working itself out slowly but surely.
Glad to hear you’re enjoying yourself still bud.
Keep ‘em coming.
‘Java (Dan)
I cannot wait to have kids, simply for stories like that.
Bravo, Daniel! You taught him well!
so, the questions remains, as a young hip college guy, do those Phineas and Ferb trunks come in my size? 34 waist…
What makes it especially awesome is that he’s right.
Excellent
Lol, nothing you say or do is a secret or ever used later in the correct context by your children.
Children are like little alcoholics, ZERO inhibition sense but that’s ok. You’ll totally have your chance at revenge when he’s older and you can embarass him in front of his friends.
Busted!!!
Great story! I could see my son doing the same thing. Thanks for sharing.
That’s just too hilarious! Great story.
Yeah, the kid’s WAY cute and all, but did any of those, um, NOT UNDERAGE college hotties look like they were, you know, thinking about it?
Loved this! I think children seriously plot things like this while on time out or something. So along with Bristal, did you get a date?
thanks for the heads up, I’ll have to see if I can prevent anything like that happening with my now nearly 3 year old son.
Very funny to see it happening to someone else though.
Given the title of the piece, I guess you did not get a date, but I’ll make sure to pass the idea to my son, I might be luckier!
Are you still pursuing a book deal for Airman Howell stories?
Your son is an absolute star!
Great post and made me ROFLMAO