After my divorce and custody battle, I have had quite a few guys email me and ask for advice on these subjects. I’ve spoken to a few on the phone, emailed plenty, and I perhaps provided a glimmer of hope for the future.
Needless to say, when prodded, I can gush about many subjects, not just WoW. It would be a real downer to write a huge diatribe on the perils of divorce, the effect it has on children, and what happens to men in the aftermath. Plus, there are real doctors and counselors who have, oh I don’t know, training in these fields. So I won’t do that.
I shall say this, though: my son lives with me ten months of the year. I have a beautiful, blonde, Tennessee-bred girlfriend with a Masters degree who went to college on a basketball scholarship. Through her I have what I consider two fantastic step-children, the daughter who shall be taller than I in a few years, (and I’m six feet on the button,) and the son who might end up on Broadway. The 100lb Puppy of Love just turned twelve, and Zeus the Maine Coon — who took over for Bisquick the Meanest Cat in the Known Universe — considers my kitchen, especially the sink, his playground. I can make, from memory, an apple and walnut stuffed pork tenderloin that sends my family into shrieks of happiness. My new office has a real door and a southern view of the flora and fauna of Orlando. The convertible BMW scoots along much more powerfully than it should, (I was NOT recklessly driving, by the way; that detective just had issues he needed to work out… at my expense.)
And every Monday through Friday, I snatch my raspberry latte from the college-age barista(ette?), stand like a model in the New Yorker magazine on the curb under the sunny Florida skies, take two long quaffs, and reflect at how awesome my life is.
And now, I shall commence blathering hither and yon, in a quasi-random fashion, about things I think I know I think. For giggles, natch.
Women
Nothing attracts a woman more than a man who can cook a real meal. Although I hear a motorcycle does wonders too.
When it comes to women and work, never sh!t where you eat. Just don’t; it’s never worth it. Ever.
If you know she’s not marriage material after six months of dating, move on.
You have no idea if she’s marriage material until you’ve dated her for at least six months.
If she’s your Best Friend, she’s probably the one. Lust dies, looks fade, but kindness and a loving smile will last a lifetime.
Marriage is much better for men than women, divorce is much better for men than women, and you, dude, will pay for both in the end if you’re not careful.
When you draw the line, draw it and never give in, regardless of the outcome. Children and women must have boundaries. They respect you when you give them boundaries. They may complain and throw tantrums, but they’ll respect you and that is what you need more than anything for long-term survival. Respect and home-baked Russian Tea Cakes.
Do not choose your line ambiguously or use it frequently. The line is used for needs, not wants.
Accept that you, as a man, are very easy to please and generally happy all the time. Never tell women this either; they hate hearing that.
The only acceptable answer to her spittle-shriek question, “Are you even listening to me?!” is: “What?”
Master the Auto-Bob.
Never tell a woman you are a master of the Auto-Bob. /nods in approval
Food
Learn to cook five meals at a minimum. Salad doesn’t count.
As my hero Thomas Keller wrote, you don’t know a recipe until you’ve made it twice.
Cooking a roast chicken dinner with carrots, onions, leeks, and potatoes is much cheaper than eating out. You only need one pan. It’s simple to clean up. It’s manly!
If you have 2 quart sauce pan, a cast iron skillet, a dutch oven, an 8″ chef’s knife, and the willingness to learn, you have everything you need to amaze in the kitchen.
Pizza actually sucks, unless you’re from NY.
So does fast food, unless it’s from In N Out Burger.
Kids
If you’re going to have kids, accept that you want at least two and you want them less than three years apart.
If you’re a man and choose to have kids, accept that your life is now totally in your wife’s hands. If you can’t accept that, don’t have kids.
As a man, kids are much more entertaining and interesting as they get older. Women hate hearing that as well.
Realizing your children are not mini-versions of you can be very disappointing. My son wants me to build all his Lego sets for him and then he’ll play with them. He has never built a model car. He has no interest in watching football. But watching — and listening to him — go on and on about Pokemon, taking him to gaming night, and trying to get 1/100th as interested in the stuff as he is is just as rewarding.
Babies are not fun; babies are work.
Last weekend, my son left a plate with ketchup and old chicken nuggets under a hassock. My mother’s curse upon me is thus complete. Do not tempt the Mother’s Curse.
Getting Into Your 20s
Unlearn every social law you have learned; the pack IS usually wrong, popular people are NOT worth knowing, the really hot girl WILL bore you, there’s NO coolness associated with being an outlaw or degenerate, and nerds, not jocks, rule the world.
High school taught you HOW to learn. College proved you CAN learn. Once you get into your first job, you’ll actually start learning.
You don’t have to love what you do for a living. Few people get to love what they do because 99% of all jobs require you do to something someone else didn’t want to do. That’s OK. Hating what you do isn’t good, but you don’t have to love it.
Do something that you love, even if it doesn’t make any money.
Get your world traveling out of the way as soon as possible. Romantic destinations are actually pretty crappy.
The biggest failure of our education system is the complete lack of focus on daily economics. Learn to make a budget. Learn how to save your money. Learn to abhor debt. It seems nobody is going to teach you these things, so you’ve got to take it upon yourself to do so.
Self
Find out what kind of person you are and just accept it so you can finally be happy.
If finding out who you are requires you to force others to accept you, you’ll never be happy.
Find out what makes you unique, market it properly, and you’ll never suffer from being unable to take care of yourself.
Take risks but don’t be stupid. Vegas is Vegas not because the house ALWAYS wins, but because the house ALMOST always wins.
Don’t make that one really huge mistake that’ll ruin your life. You’ll see the choice when it comes; don’t screw it up.
50% of all the people you see are on the other side of the bell curve of whatever it is you’re doing.
You don’t have to be on the right-side of the bell curve to live a happy, productive, and satisfying life. And being on the right-side of the bell curve in no way guarantees you the same.
Living With Other People In a Society
Just because I don’t believe the government should do everything does NOT mean I don’t believe that those things shouldn’t be done.
The fact that I don’t want the government to do those things means that I think it’s important and want it done legally and properly.
If government weren’t in the Business of Marriage, nobody would care if you were hetero, homo, bi, trans, queer, or favored ripe vegetables over people. Any two people CAN get married, but people want the Government to RECOGNIZE their marriage. Get the government out of marriage and all this blows away.
It doesn’t matter what letter comes after your name; abuse of power is abuse of power. Unfortunately, 99% of people who get into government are about gaining power instead of enforcing liberty and freedom for the people over whom they rule.
Greed isn’t just good, it’s necessary.
If you want to help people, go ahead and help people. But forcing people to help isn’t charity, it’s enslavement.
If you’ve never actually read the US Constitution, you really should.
And if you’re really feeling uppity, George Mason, foshizzle.
Your freedom to be you includes my freedom to be free from you. If you want to do drugs, smoke, drink, sleep around, and want the government to stay our of your life, that’s just fine by me. But don’t come running to the government for healthcare using my tax dollars when the repercussions of your actions come due.
To Sum Up
If you need everyone to agree with everything you say, don’t say anything.
You don’t have to believe in God to know what’s right and wrong. At the end of the day, you have to be able to live with yourself.
Very nicely put together, and I completely agree with your comment of…
> High school taught you HOW to learn. College proved you CAN learn. Once you get into your first job, you’ll actually start learning. <
Glad things are going great for you! ;]
Amen! Bookmarked and probably sent around the internet in 7.6 seconds!
Expect Graduation Speech Invites soon!
Great post, thanks for sharing and I look forward to more. I’ve only just found this enjoyable blog and will be a follower for sure.
Two things in direct response to your musings:
Best Friends of the opposite sex do not always remain Best Friends, and by extension, may not even always be in your life. Certainly not in the way you’d hoped they were. I’m sure it was my fault, but the one I was Best Friends with has moved on and isn’t interested anymore AND, the worst part, has a new Best Friend. We’re not even close to being the same kind of friends anymore, much less be in a romantic relationship. Just saying, it’s not always for keeps, even though it probably should be.
Also, I have one child, a wonderful daughter, and I’m divorced (not from the former Best Friend- the ex-wife & I were never at that point) with 50/50 custody. While I certainly don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life I’m not so certain I’d want to have another child, not at this point. If it was with the former Best Friend, then yes, definitely, but I can’t imagine it happening with anyone else.
Just some sharing, thanks again for the thought provoking post!
Inspiring.
Thank you, Daniel.
Fantastic post!
Agree with….well all of it! Well some stuff doesn’t apply to me in quite the same way as I’m from Canada, but other than that.
Great post. Thanks for sharing what’s up!
Opposite sex best friends don’t work if one of you is married to someone else. Too much temptation for the “friend” part to expand to something else. But totally agree that to have a good relationship, you need to be friends with your spouse and actually like them as a person, not just have love for them.
And dude, please don’t ever compare women to children (as in your paragraph on boundaries.) I know you weren’t _trying_ to do that. But a woman being compared to a child has been the go-to argument for men keeping women oppressed for centuries. Just not a good turn of phrase there.
That will raise the hackles on most women right there even when you didn’t mean it that way.
Thanks Daniel, great post. Nerf mages.
Stiick the (38 year old) Paladin
Daniel, I sincerely want to thank you. You are a champion of your generation, and your kind influence youngsters like me to become better men. If not for you, I would never have gotten into cooking, I wouldn’t be at peace with myself, and I would be grasping straws at failing relationships like most my age.
Shine on, you crazy diamond.
(p.s. Pork tenderloin recipe please?)
“Needless to say, when prodded, I can gush about many subjects, not just WoW.”
What kind of prodding is necessary for ‘gush-atory’ posts? I usually reserve the cattle prod for my WOW guild but I could make an exception in your case.
He’s Back! Keep them coming.
I would add another thing in regards to “Getting in to your 20s”, Friendships are two way streets. Someone is not your friend if you’re the only one putting anything into the relationship (whether a guy or a girl). The quicker you realize this, the quicker you can focus on the friendships that work.
And I so wish I had learned how to handle my money quicker, better and sooner than I did.
My wife is 15 weeks pregnant so I really enjoyed the part about the wife and kids. I am going to read it again so the reality kicks in. I do have a question ol’ BRK. When the baby pops out will I have time to play WOW?
To Guntitan:
The short answer is…..maybe.
There are a lot of things that will change when you have your kid, and you and your wife probably are not even aware of all the changes. A lot of these small things will be unique to you two as your situation is going to different from others.
First figure out if there are times you “need” to play. Are you a hardcore raider? Probably not so hardcore after the baby comes, but it may still be possible to raid depending on the needs of your guild, needs of your wife, and needs of your baby (wife and baby come first for the record).
If you are more of a casual player, it will of course be much easier as you won’t need to worry about guild needs as much or maybe at all. The new raid finder will at least let you see the end game content.
Assuming you have a baby (or wife) without any medical issues, you should be able to get some casual time in. You may even able to raid occasionally.
Remember though the first few months (even the first year really, but it does slow down), things will be constantly changing and therefore your wow time will as well. I would consider the first month a write off and be prepared for that. Not saying you won’t get any time, just be prepared not to. Don’t try and make plans for that time cause anything your wife agrees to can be totally out the window when the baby comes.
Always ask, but don’t pester. Oh and lets say you have a time where the wife goes out and you are looking after the kid. If you have a baby who sleeps all the time, you could probably quest, do some dailies, level some professions etc. No battlegrounds or dungeons or raids or anything that is going to cause issue if the baby suddenly wakes up and needs you. Keep track of the time (particularly if you are the sort that can easlly loose track of the time while playing), so you are ensuring you keep an eye on the kid.
Final thing, make sure you take care of your wife as well. Schedule a bit of time every week for something. No, not sex, just something that will keep you both in touch. It is VERY easy to loose touch with each other once kids enter the picture.
Bravo!! Well said!!
Thrilled for you that you’ve found a good slice in life. It’s been a tough journey for you over years.
Thank you for the gush. Gotta love the gush.
Great post! Now for your next post hows about a recipe for a roast chicken dinner with carrots, onions, leeks, and potatoes?
Truly great! One mistake: real pizza comes from Chicago.
I always enjoy your point of view, and always learn something reading your stuff – WoW or RL. However, gotta agree with Saphia, why leave other men out of the boundaries rule? Did you mean the people you love must have boundaries? the people you live with?
We all need our space and living with people who change the rules constantly is certainly crazy-making. I also agree with the “babies are work” (honestly – I think the babies that didn’t pick up the smiling thing soon enough got booted out of the gene pool).
Truly enlightening, sir.
However, I have just a few things to say:
Women: I couldn’t agree with you more. If my man could cook, I would never complain again, ever. Ever.
Lines are acceptable…for children; that’s a must. Your spouse? Well let’s just say that life can get in the way of said lines. There is need for the occasional negotiation.
Russian Tea Cakes always taste better when they’re Mexican Wedding Cakes.
Ummm, “lust dies?” You must be speaking for yourself. A nice pair of jeans on my man, with a view from behind, always does it. Just sayin’.
Kids: You don’t always get to choose when and how far apart they come. It’s nice to be idealistic, but it’s not reality. Thanks to a whole host of reasons why getting/staying pregnant is/can be difficult. They’re fantastic whenever they arrive.
Women do not hate to hear that kids become “more entertaining and interesting as they get older” it’s the truth. However, nothing can compare to that tiny newborn latching on to your breast and falling asleep fully sated. The hormones for new mothers in this case rock! (So does the elimination of pregnancy fat stores.) Men can’t understand that, and that is okay.
WTH is In n Out Burger, anyway? It sounds fowl to me.
We certainly do agree on the failure of the education system to focus on daily economics; one of the most important and neglected aspects of life. Perhaps it’s better taught at home, anyway.
Excellent Post. You deserve to be very happy, you’ve worked hard for it.
“Pizza actually sucks, unless you’re from NY.
So does fast food, unless it’s from In N Out Burger.”
I object! NY Pizza blows and Five Guys beats In-N-Out every day of the week and twice on Sunday.
Otherwise nice post, thanks.
Spaghetti doesn’t count either, but Roma marinara does.
Does Baghdad count as a romantic destination? It was pretty crappy, but I did meet some nice people and had a bit of fun
I think I already made the huge mistake that ruined my life, but I don’t think it’s all bad. Being alone for a while made me realize I had been a slave to other people’s desires and expectations. Discovering myself was a liberating experience.
*Stands up and starts slow clap*
Now… can you upload this info to everyone else in the world? lol
Thanks Daniel
Wait till your son tells you your going to be a Grandpa.
Another chapter starts….
Wow.. seriously?? You gonna throw out that idiotic teabagger talking point on healthcare reform. I really thought you were more intelligent than that.
Some of you points are good but then you got ones in there that show that you have never really struggled and find it impossible to understand the lives of people that don’t have all the advantages that you have.
Really really disappointing.
Sorry to hear about your divorce. I’ve followed the blog on and off over the past 2-3 years. I remember when you first mentioned quitting wow to spend more time with the family.
I went through a mini-divorce a little over a year ago. I guess that’s not quite right, thats when the breakup happened, I’m still going “through” it.
Thanks for the advice, it helps.
Ah Slugslinger, if you only knew. To your point, not everything has been revealed here, nor will it be. But try to tread gently with your assumptions.
The “advantages” of which you speak have all been earned through hard work, perseverance and over coming adversity the likes of which many never know. The fact that BRK does not choose to focus solely on those hardships, THAT is the true advantage and one that is available to everyone.
Peace.
At least two kids? I’m not a baby factory. Two is the ABSOLUTE MAXIMUM. Unless my fella wants to have some. Then he can knock himself out ^^
And yeah, I think women might appreciate it if you didn’t compare us to children. Surely the idea is for two self-sufficient adults to share life, not for a man to look after a woman?
Before you think ALL women are clueless about what you meant by boundaries – I get that and agree with you. All relationships (parent/child, spouse/spouse, friend/friend, employer/employee) work better when there are clear “don’t cross this line” boundaries set. We all set the boundaries, whether we communicate them or not. An important part of that fact is that boundaries work both ways – you set them for your kids/spouse/significant other, but you have to respect the boundaries they set as well (within reason.) If you’re with someone and you can’t respect their boundaries, you may as well not stay with them ’cause sure enough you are going to piss them off at some point.
Haha, I see someone knocking your politics. I LIKE your politics, especially the marriage bit. IMO there should only be civil unions, which are simply contracts. Marriage is up to you and your church, temple, synagogue, fairy ring, or whatever…or not, whatever yanks your chain. And the rest of it too. Good job.
Glad to finally hear about the current state of family. I wish you much happiness. Give the 100 pound puppy a hug from me. I am a dog person.
Take care, Daniel…
Hey Daniel!
You need to be cattle-prodded a bit more, I think
I keep returning to this post and re-reading it. It should be compulsory reading for anyone aged 19+.. but again, the youngsters probably won’t get it.
Thanks again for bringing thought alongside equal parts wit with a dash of raspberry, foshizzle
PS : Still got your hunter cup!!
I like this.