“Always double-space your manuscript so that it can be easily copyedited. Type all copy flush left, rag right, including heads. Use a single space between sentences.”

http://prenhall.com/author_guide/general/overview.html

Chicago Manual of Style? Single-space.

“In typeset matter, one space, not two (in other words, a regular word space), follows any mark of punctuation that ends a sentence, whether a period, a colon, a question mark, an exclamation point, or closing quotation marks.”

http://www.chicagomanualofstyle.org/ch06/ch06_sec013.html

The Modern Language Association? Single-space.

http://www.mla.org/style/style_faq/style_faq3

The Associated Press Stylebook? Single-space.

http://www.apstylebook.com/online/index.php?do=entry&id=3544&src=AE

US Government Printing Office Style Guide? Single-space.

http://frwebgate.access.gpo.gov/cgi-bin/getdoc.cgi?dbname=2008_style_manual&docid=f:chapter2.wais

Typewriter Instructors of the 1980s? Single-space.

“We apologize for improperly indoctrinating a generation of people into the fallacy of double-spacing after periods. We are submitting ourselves for an immediate time-out in the corner, plus assigning ourselves an essay that must describe the evils perpetrated around the world as a result of double-spacing. Our bad.”

The Guatemalan Department of Indigenous Fruit Consumption? Single-space.

Elvis Impersonators Local 509 of Oshkosk, Wisconsin? Single-space.

It never ends.

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Let’s Firebomb the Internet Today, Shall We

Star Wars Lego. We’re not there yet, but I can’t wait until we are.

You know that part in a relationship where everything is new and exciting and every uttered word *obviously* has a deeper meaning and you’re scared that when you say something it’ll be taken totally against the grain of how you meant it to be taken and then you worry about worrying too much? That never goes away, no matter how old you are, does it?

Chuck E Cheese. I don’t get it. At all. Bad food, thousands of unsupervised kids, parents huddled against the windows reading books and talking on the phone, four-year old boys being introduced to machine-gun video games, and multiple forms of alternative form of currency designed like Vegas. I’ve been once, I hope to never go again. Seriously, I’d rather catch a puddle-jumper to Biloxi next time.

You know why I always buy my son two Lego kits? Because that way I’m guaranteed to be able to put one together myself. The next time he goes on vacation, I’m buying a Big Set, like the Death Star, and just building it because it’s so much fun.

If there’s a source of Yoshi clothing out there, I would win major kiddo-points if I got the boy some of that swag.

My 350Z is approaching 120,000 miles before its fifth birthday. I have been car-shopping for over a year now, and am no closer to picking a replacement carriage than I was before. I need a fleet of vehicles and a multi-car garage, really.

You know you’re a parent when you use Murphy’s Oil Soap on the wooden computer deak, the black marker comes up mostly, but not entirely, and you’re pleased with the result anyway.

I am now friends with a seventh-grade English teacher who double-spaces after periods. You can see what my new 2010 New Years Resolution is going to be, don’t you. I will break her.

I purchased a tin of Starbucks mocha powder and have been spooning through it for a little over a month. It finally died last week, so I boogied over to Barneys and bought two proper bottles of raspberry syrup. It feels good to come home.

You know the five stages of grief? I have officially entered Acceptance and d@mn if it doesn’t feel fantastic.

Yes a Porsche sedan would solve most, but not all, my motoring problems.

It is almost the end of January and I have avoided Bed, Bath, and Beyond in-totality. I deserve a new, round tablecloth for that effort. I wonder who sells them? Oh wait…

iPad is a really stupid name. There, I said it. Jobs busted a grumpy on that one. Yes I still want one.

My son talks trash to me about Mario Kart for Wii. I am as good… I am almost as good at it as he is, and while I don’t feel the pangs of not being seven years old, I do wish I could guarantee myself that I could administer a proper Mario Kart butt-kicking when he taunts me. I may just have to spend his college fund on a motorcycle instead.

I said, “Have you seen this movie, ‘Marley and Me‘?”

She said, “No, so don’t tell me how it ends.”

I heard, “No, but tell me how it ends.”

I said, “THEY EUTHANIZE THE DOG. IT MADE MY SON CRY.”

She said, “You jack@ss, I said NOT to tell me.”

I said, “Um… you love dogs, so you wouldn’t want to see the movie anyway. It’s a good thing I told you.”

She said, “You’re probably right.”

I said, “So I’m off the hook?”

She said, “H3ll no.”

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Because I Can’t Form a Coherent Theme

I wish I had a good college story for this, but I really don’t.

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Blast from the Past

How many times did you see Christy Brinkley in something other than traditional clothing?

What kind of car did your grandfather drive?

What’s the best nickname you’ve ever heard in WoW?

Where did you live while going to elementary school?

Who was the first girl you ever kissed?

Hurricanes or earthquakes?

What’s your favorite car color?

Do you think you’ll ever play WoW again?

Root beer or creme soda?

What city would you most like to visit?

Living in Orlando, what do you consider cold?

What’s the one program you couldn’t live without?

What would you like your next car to be?

Would you recommend someone take technical writing if they didn’t have to?

Are you in love?

Leno or Letterman?

What college do you wish you had gone to?

What college do you wish you had gone to if cost had been no object?

When you fly, what airline is your favorite?

When was the last time you ate camel-meat?

What was the worst experience you’ve had with a woman you’ve cared about?

Best Star Wars movie?

Do you really read romance novels?

Do you really watch cartoons with your son?

What’s the one iPhone app you’re most ashamed to admit you own?

Have you ever worked for someone famous?

Are your best years ahead of you?

With whom were you discussing breakfast cereal, hmm?

What does your idea woman look like?

What’s the most sensitive part of your body?

What keeps you working in the tech sector?

What’s the one iPhone app you wished worked as well as it’s advertised?

What was the longest you’ve driven in a car without a radio?

Who was the major male influence in your life?

Just who was the BRK EA?

Cost no object, what computer are you buying and with what operating system?

What’s the thing around the house you like doing least?

What’s your idea of a romanic evening?

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Well OK, Just This Once

Yes.

Twice.

Datsun.

The Diet Coke of Evil.

Lexington, KY.

She was blond, we were both five years old, and I broke her arm totally accidentally because I made a high-jump with a string and tied the ends, but we smooched behind the wooden teepee.

Hurricanes, definitely.

Black.

No.

Creme Soda.

Seattle.

Below 70 degrees.

Microsoft Word.

Nissan 370Z, unless I can get a Porsche Cayman S.

Yes.

Right now, no. But I’m hopeful.

I don’t watch, so I have no opinion.

For some reason, I say the University of Arizona, but I have no idea why.

Cost no object? Swarthmore.

Virgin Atlantic, but usually SouthWest.

Saudi Arabia, 1993.

The girl who dated me and said, “Daniel, if I could marry a man, it would be you.”

Star Wars V.

Yes.

No comment.

TWI.

Yes, Billy Joel.

I hope so.

NEXT QUESTION. /blush

I really don’t care, just “normal”.

Back of the knuckles.

Money.

The Miller Lite iPhone app.

Bremmerhaven, Germany to Oostend, Belgium.

My grandfather.

TJ.

MacBook Air, dual boot.

Mowing the lawn, or any yard work.

A tent made of sheets and the sofa, tiramisu, rain, and two pause buttons.

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The Questions Are None of Your Business

No, you don’t understand. I LOVE to drive. Driving is how I learn about myself, it’s how I reflect on my mistakes, my successes, and my hopes for the future.

Driving helps me pray. Some people burn incense, some people read the Bible, I drive.

When I was in high school, I drove because I was lonely. I went to a very small high school – 90 kids in my graduating class – and I not only didn’t have a girlfriend, but I didn’t have a date until after I graduated. I drove and listened to music that made me happy, made me sad, and allowed me to talk to God and beg for the loneliness to end. Night after night, mile after mile, song after song, putting around the north shore of Long Island, communing with God and learning about myself.

After college I joined the Air Force and was sent to England. I bought a Geo Tracker and drove it around Europe. I loved that little thing, had a Blaupunkt head unit, Polk Audio speakers, and a Bazooka Tube for bass. No girlfriend while I lived in Europe, but I drove the beejeezus out of that truck.

I moved to California and got a Honda del Sol. Alpine head unit, JL Audio speakers, and a pre-fabricated JL Audio dual 10” subwoofer box replacing the storage compartments behind the seats. Yes the cowl-shake was extreme, yes people made fun of my Super Hero green car, but it was a hard-top convertible in the California sun, and I drove everywhere, music blaring.

Correction: not blaring. I have never been an SPL-freak, (i.e. I don’t care about the volume.) I cared about the sound quality. Tight bass, not pounding. Crisp mids, and the tweeters properly spaced and angled to produce the best sound-stage possible in the driver’s seat. Music volume is important so that the music can be heard and felt, but I didn’t make my stereo so loud as to be obnoxious or to damage my hearing.

Now I have a 350Z, Clarion head unit in the dash with a pair of Boston Acoustics separates in the doors. And this past Sunday, I drove. It was glorious. The day will come when I can explain why I was so excited to be driving yesterday, but for now, here’s what I listened to:

• Is It For Me, by Toad the Wet Sprocket
• Human Touch, by Bruce Springsteen
• Don’t You Forget About Me, by Simple Minds
• Human Wheels, by John Cougar Mellencamp
• Runnin’ Down a Dream, by Tom Petty

I got to drive yesterday. I talked to God. I felt the steering wheel hug the road and the pulse of the engine through the gear shift. The music filled me, and I achieved the state of awareness that allows me to reflect on the past and look into the future.

And the future looked and sounded pretty damn good.

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I Need a 12″ Subwoofer, I Know

Now listen, I grew up with the greatest cartoons ever made: Bugs Bunny and Road Runner. What’s the equivalent in today’s cartoon market? Nothing. Phineas and Ferb is pretty darn good, though. The weak link is the pet platypus, which is why P&F doesn’t beat out Bugs; Warner Bros had no weak links in their line up. Not one.

But I love both how the boys aren’t intentionally antagonizing their sister, and how she truly doesn’t hate them either. Great intro to the show, and Ferb’s eyes make me laugh.

“Ferb, I know what we’re doing today.”

There’s nothing in the world that an extra dash of William Shatner won’t improve, and cartoons doesn’t break that rule. Now Mr. Chain Lightning himself isn’t in this cartoon, but his influence is heavy.

These penguins were the runaway show-stealers of the Madagascar kids movie, and Nickelodeon was smart to dump the primary toons and bring these boys to cable.

“RICO! Flashlight!” Seriously, you’ll bust a gut.

I’m not even sure I want my son playing with his Snap Circuits set, it’s so much fun. Do you remember the old Radio Shack electronics kits? Welcome to the 21st century version and there are only two words for it: Awe and Some. I’m taking this thing to work and letting my coworkers get jealous.

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Three Things You’re Missing If You Don’t Have a First Grader

Today.

Someday, someday in the future, I shall write about the year of my 40th life on Earth. I will write it to wring out my soul, to cleanse my heart, and to give thanks for everything He has given me. Just not right now.

I’m more tired than I have been since basic training, but it’s a very good tired. Could things be better? Yup. Could things be worse, much much worse? Oh yeah.

I will sleep well tonight.

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Like a Log

No, I am not playing WoW.

No, I have not been hacked.

No, I am not selling my account.

No, nothing, no.

Now, onto blathering.

Blather 1: My new dishwasher, how much I love thee. Do you remember getting something extraordinary for Christmas, like the best toy of the season that would make all your friends jealous? Try hand-washing your dishes for two months and then getting a new energy-efficient dishwasher. Better than Christmas, seriously.

Blather 2: Dear lord I’m getting old thinking a dishwasher is better than Christmas.

Blather 3: My refrigerator’s ice maker is crushing my cube-ice. WTH?

Blather 4: So if I wanted to boost an attorney’s web site presence in Google, how would I do that?

Blather 5: Tropic Thunder is a d@mn funny movie.

Blather 6: There is no such thing as The Greatest Thing in Life. There are lots of em, and they happen every day, if you just stop and look for them.

Blather 7: And even on the seemingly worst day possible, you can find Joy.

Blather 8:

Daniel, where the {expletive deleted} are we going?

To our cars. We’re parked in the same place.

I don’t remember coming in this {expletive deleted} way.

You also got lost in the elevator this morning*. You don’t get a navigation-vote.

I can’t be {expletive deleted} late for my next appointment.

I was in special forces and Desert Storm. I’m not going to get lost walking from the elevator to the parking garage.

We’re in a {expletive deleted} tunnel!

The door is on the other side. See it?

{Expletive deleted}.

Was that how you say Thank You?

Um, no.

* Don’t ask.

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Um, No

Hallo?

Daniel, this is your attorney.

Hallo!

You’ll be at your appointment tomorrow?

Yes.

Good. Do you like coffee? I make the best coffee in Orlando.

I like coffee, but probably not your coffee.

I make the best coffee!

Yes, but I only like lattes.

Lattes?

Yes, raspberry lattes.

…

So what you’re saying is that you have no balls.

I have balls! I just don’t like them in my coffee.

So what where do you get your lattes?

Starbucks, anywhere, I’m not picky right now.

You’ll be going to Starbucks tomorrow?

Not if you’re going to make the best coffee in Orlando. I’m not going to insult you by not drinking it.

But if I don’t make coffee, you’ll stop by a Starbucks?

Probably.

…

Would you get me something too?

/smug Daniel look

What do you want?

Tall iced Mocha in a Grande cup, the rest of the cup filled with whipped cream!

…

Tall iced Mocha?

Yes.

In a Grande cup?

Yes.

Filled with whipped cream?

Yes!

…

There’s a joke in here about balls, but I’m not about to make it. See you tomorrow.

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Nitty Gritty, If You Know What I Mean