Needless to say, when prodded, I can gush about many subjects, not just WoW. It would be a real downer to write a huge diatribe on the perils of divorce, the effect it has on children, and what happens to men in the aftermath. Plus, there are real doctors and counselors who have, oh I don’t know, training in these fields. So I won’t do that.

I shall say this, though: my son lives with me ten months of the year. I have a beautiful, blonde, Tennessee-bred girlfriend with a Masters degree who went to college on a basketball scholarship. Through her I have what I consider two fantastic step-children, the daughter who shall be taller than I in a few years, (and I’m six feet on the button,) and the son who might end up on Broadway. The 100lb Puppy of Love just turned twelve, and Zeus the Maine Coon — who took over for Bisquick the Meanest Cat in the Known Universe — considers my kitchen, especially the sink, his playground. I can make, from memory, an apple and walnut stuffed pork tenderloin that sends my family into shrieks of happiness. My new office has a real door and a southern view of the flora and fauna of Orlando. The convertible BMW scoots along much more powerfully than it should, (I was NOT recklessly driving, by the way; that detective just had issues he needed to work out… at my expense.)

And every Monday through Friday, I snatch my raspberry latte from the college-age barista(ette?), stand like a model in the New Yorker magazine on the curb under the sunny Florida skies, take two long quaffs, and reflect at how awesome my life is.

And now, I shall commence blathering hither and yon, in a quasi-random fashion, about things I think I know I think. For giggles, natch.

Women

Nothing attracts a woman more than a man who can cook a real meal. Although I hear a motorcycle does wonders too.

When it comes to women and work, never sh!t where you eat. Just don’t; it’s never worth it. Ever.

If you know she’s not marriage material after six months of dating, move on.

You have no idea if she’s marriage material until you’ve dated her for at least six months.

If she’s your Best Friend, she’s probably the one. Lust dies, looks fade, but kindness and a loving smile will last a lifetime.

Marriage is much better for men than women, divorce is much better for men than women, and you, dude, will pay for both in the end if you’re not careful.

When you draw the line, draw it and never give in, regardless of the outcome. Children and women must have boundaries. They respect you when you give them boundaries. They may complain and throw tantrums, but they’ll respect you and that is what you need more than anything for long-term survival. Respect and home-baked Russian Tea Cakes.

Do not choose your line ambiguously or use it frequently. The line is used for needs, not wants.

Accept that you, as a man, are very easy to please and generally happy all the time. Never tell women this either; they hate hearing that.

The only acceptable answer to her spittle-shriek question, “Are you even listening to me?!” is: “What?”

Master the Auto-Bob.

Never tell a woman you are a master of the Auto-Bob. /nods in approval

Food

Learn to cook five meals at a minimum. Salad doesn’t count.

As my hero Thomas Keller wrote, you don’t know a recipe until you’ve made it twice.

Cooking a roast chicken dinner with carrots, onions, leeks, and potatoes is much cheaper than eating out. You only need one pan. It’s simple to clean up. It’s manly!

If you have 2 quart sauce pan, a cast iron skillet, a dutch oven, an 8″ chef’s knife, and the willingness to learn, you have everything you need to amaze in the kitchen.

Pizza actually sucks, unless you’re from NY.

So does fast food, unless it’s from In N Out Burger.

Kids

If you’re going to have kids, accept that you want at least two and you want them less than three years apart.

If you’re a man and choose to have kids, accept that your life is now totally in your wife’s hands. If you can’t accept that, don’t have kids.

As a man, kids are much more entertaining and interesting as they get older. Women hate hearing that as well.

Realizing your children are not mini-versions of you can be very disappointing. My son wants me to build all his Lego sets for him and then he’ll play with them. He has never built a model car. He has no interest in watching football. But watching — and listening to him — go on and on about Pokemon, taking him to gaming night, and trying to get 1/100th as interested in the stuff as he is is just as rewarding.

Babies are not fun; babies are work.

Last weekend, my son left a plate with ketchup and old chicken nuggets under a hassock. My mother’s curse upon me is thus complete. Do not tempt the Mother’s Curse.

Getting Into Your 20s

Unlearn every social law you have learned; the pack IS usually wrong, popular people are NOT worth knowing, the really hot girl WILL bore you, there’s NO coolness associated with being an outlaw or degenerate, and nerds, not jocks, rule the world.

High school taught you HOW to learn. College proved you CAN learn. Once you get into your first job, you’ll actually start learning.

You don’t have to love what you do for a living. Few people get to love what they do because 99% of all jobs require you do to something someone else didn’t want to do. That’s OK. Hating what you do isn’t good, but you don’t have to love it.

Do something that you love, even if it doesn’t make any money.

Get your world traveling out of the way as soon as possible. Romantic destinations are actually pretty crappy.

The biggest failure of our education system is the complete lack of focus on daily economics. Learn to make a budget. Learn how to save your money. Learn to abhor debt. It seems nobody is going to teach you these things, so you’ve got to take it upon yourself to do so.

Self

Find out what kind of person you are and just accept it so you can finally be happy.

If finding out who you are requires you to force others to accept you, you’ll never be happy.

Find out what makes you unique, market it properly, and you’ll never suffer from being unable to take care of yourself.

Take risks but don’t be stupid. Vegas is Vegas not because the house ALWAYS wins, but because the house ALMOST always wins.

Don’t make that one really huge mistake that’ll ruin your life. You’ll see the choice when it comes; don’t screw it up.

50% of all the people you see are on the other side of the bell curve of whatever it is you’re doing.

You don’t have to be on the right-side of the bell curve to live a happy, productive, and satisfying life. And being on the right-side of the bell curve in no way guarantees you the same.

Living With Other People In a Society

Just because I don’t believe the government should do everything does NOT mean I don’t believe that those things shouldn’t be done.

The fact that I don’t want the government to do those things means that I think it’s important and want it done legally and properly.

If government weren’t in the Business of Marriage, nobody would care if you were hetero, homo, bi, trans, queer, or favored ripe vegetables over people. Any two people CAN get married, but people want the Government to RECOGNIZE their marriage. Get the government out of marriage and all this blows away.

It doesn’t matter what letter comes after your name; abuse of power is abuse of power. Unfortunately, 99% of people who get into government are about gaining power instead of enforcing liberty and freedom for the people over whom they rule.

Greed isn’t just good, it’s necessary.

If you want to help people, go ahead and help people. But forcing people to help isn’t charity, it’s enslavement.

If you’ve never actually read the US Constitution, you really should.

And if you’re really feeling uppity, George Mason, foshizzle.

Your freedom to be you includes my freedom to be free from you. If you want to do drugs, smoke, drink, sleep around, and want the government to stay our of your life, that’s just fine by me. But don’t come running to the government for healthcare using my tax dollars when the repercussions of your actions come due.

To Sum Up

If you need everyone to agree with everything you say, don’t say anything.

You don’t have to believe in God to know what’s right and wrong. At the end of the day, you have to be able to live with yourself.

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Ipso Facto, Quid Pro Quo, Dominus Obus, He’s Alright

The iMac’s video card cost $330 to replace, then it broke again. Thankfully, the card was still under its 90-day replacement warranty. But still, lugging a 27″ iMac to and from the Apple Store is never a comfortable experience.

Starbucks is happily churning out my raspberry mochas. If they change the raspberry formula again, we’re gonna take to the streets.

I haven’t owned a PC since my Zeos back in 1994, preferring to be a Mac-head. But this Asus G73SW is the bees-knees. As long as you don’t expect it to be “mobile”, this laptop will satisfy. Although Asus has come out with the G74SX, Amazon still has the G73SW in stock.

Got my new business cards with the job-title increase. I was able to refrain from cackling with pride.

Get the spicy pork lunch box at KimChi and you won’t be disappointed. The Asian television shows are a hoot as well.

Royal Pains > Suits > Franklin and Bash > Fairly Legal > Alphas > Leverage. But I’ll watch any of them.

Always know your security-badge color-codes. Getting palsie-walsie with the wrong code can get your project canceled.

Joe Nelms.

My son comes home from visiting his mom in a few days, and the next school year is right around the corner. One of the great joys of my life is watching my son pop into the back seat of my convertible and driving him to school. Can’t wait!

A stupid-simple roast beef recipe has to be next, too. It’s so much fun eating a beautiful medium-rare roast with homemade beef gravy, and knowing the entire dinner is cheaper than delivery pizza.

Never install a newer version of Java without removing the old version first. Especially in a development environment. Or at least remember to remove the old version after upgrading. Leaving two versions loaded is just asking for trouble. Yes, modifying the JAVA_HOME environment variable is simple, easy, and fun to do, but it gets honked up more frequently than you imagine.

If you freak out because I’m jamming a -120 dBm GPS signal into the lab just because you know that a blue-sky GPS signal is typically -130 dBm, then I don’t want to see your face when I make you dial *3001#12345#* on your iPhone and show you that the indoor signal strength of the cell phone network, right next to your cranium, is -91 dBm! Dude, did you know that this is about 8×10^-13 watts? I’m not an RF engineer, but I’ll bet you a Korean lunch that my lab setup is not gonna fry your bajoobies.

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Single-Line Thoughts That Evolve Into More

But I still cannot write about The Stuff That Happened. Perhaps I never will. Perhaps I’m not capable. Perhaps it’ll come in time, but not now, or any time soon. But trust me, I think about writing about it very frequently. It’ll come. Or it won’t.

Do I have more food-blogs in me? Heck yes. I need to take you down the Red-Skinned Smashed Potatoes road, over Chicken Parmesan bridge, and into Panko-Crusted Fried Porkchop With Sauteed-Apple Topping boulevard, with a sweet parking spot at Roasted Brussel Sprouts commons.

Don’t worry about the food.

Are there WoW-stories in here? Yes, foshizzle. New server and hopefully a raiding slot in a premiere raiding guild. Raiding BM, of course. Topping the damage-meters, natch. Showing up on the Warcraft Hunters Union podcast on Saturday night every once in a while, unless, as in this past weekend, I have a dinner party to throw and roast chicken with leeks, golden beets, onions, rutabaga, and turnips to cook. Life comes first!

I turned down a job at Disney. Yes, THE Disney wanted me to come work and do software testing. I said no thank you. There’s a story in there, too.

My little mean cat, Bisquick, was 16 years old when I had to take her to the vet one last time, last week. I need to tell you about how a two pound terrorist cat eventually won me over and made me her daddy.

But first I think I need to get through writing about The Stuff That Happened. It should start to flow soon.

I hope.

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Actually, Things Are Awesome

2. A hayride itself is benign, but if the driver says “Whoops…” you know the party is getting started.

3. If you rent a car, get the GPS unit. Best decision of the week.

4. And get the $5/day upgrade for the Chrysler 300 with the satellite radio, too.

5. I’m from NY, and I won’t fly through NYC unless I’m being held gunpoint. Hartford rocked.

6. If you’re one of 25 retirees at the swanky hotel pool and all is quiet, but then a seven year old shows up to practice his cannonballs, you cannot be upset. It’s a pool, not a museum. Daddy is telling him not to yell, but it’s a pool for goodness sake.

7. Don’t charge me $2 for a Coke at the poolside cabana and expect me to tip you much for the burger.

8. When I order an Old Fashioned at the hotel bar and the guy blinks not once, but twice? That’s a bartender-problem, not a me-problem.

9. The hotel pub chef shouldn’t mess around with the basic recipe for pizza. The bread and cheese were amazing, but the bacon and red onions and arugula and mushrooms were too much. Simplification is a good thing.

10. A little discipline will go a long way. And that’s true in not punching the GPS unit when it says “Recaaaaaaalculating” like I screwed up. There was a concrete divider between me and the exit!

11. There is no good time to take the Throgs Neck Bridge.

12. There is never not a good time to take the Bridgeport-Port Jefferson Ferry. We were king of the world!

13. My mother lost twenty five pounds by stopping putting ice in her white wine. There’s more of a lesson here than I’m seeing, but dang if I can find it.

14. It may take years, but Karma exacts her payment eventually.

15. In-flight Internet is a big, slapping, kissable Yes. $10 is nothing; just get it.

16. The answer to “Do you want an upgrade to 1st class?” is Yes, especially when your scheduled to be slammed into a middle coach seat for two and a half hours.

17. It’s totally OK to despise the guy next to you for bringing his iPad and mocking you with its presence.

18. Apparently they make combined clothes washer-dryer units. /ponder

19. Always take the bigger piece of luggage. Always over-pack. Always take extra contact lenses. Always bring a pair of shoes you don’t think you’ll need.

20. Don’t sweat little purchases on vacation. The locker will cost $6 and the new water-shoes $15, but the memories of swimming and playing with your son at Lake Compounce will last a lifetime, and who can put a price on that.

21. OK, so don’t get the Raisin Bran and the chicken nuggets AND a Hostess cupcake on the ferry. He’s not a bottomless pit.

22. The water at Lake Compounce is maintained by keeping it stored in an Igloo cooler surrounded by liquid nitrogen. One word: C.O.L.D.

23. The pony ride is always worth the money.

24. If he wants to feed donkeys, let him feed the donkeys. But don’t let him near the emus.

24. Or the geese.

25. Now that I think about it, maybe we crashed that hayride. He did say, “Aren’t you with the group?”

26. Legos, water park, petting farm, grandma and grandpa, and lots of hugs and wrestling on a swanky hotel bed makes a good vacation, I don’t care where you live.

27. One can make friends out of any situation, and sometimes the worst situations help make the best friends.

28. If you need to kill two hours in Hartford, go to the best-looking restaurant, order the chef salad with blue cheese, and write a blog post about your vacation.

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Things I Learned on Vacation

“Always double-space your manuscript so that it can be easily copyedited. Type all copy flush left, rag right, including heads. Use a single space between sentences.”

http://prenhall.com/author_guide/general/overview.html

Chicago Manual of Style? Single-space.

“In typeset matter, one space, not two (in other words, a regular word space), follows any mark of punctuation that ends a sentence, whether a period, a colon, a question mark, an exclamation point, or closing quotation marks.”

http://www.chicagomanualofstyle.org/ch06/ch06_sec013.html

The Modern Language Association? Single-space.

http://www.mla.org/style/style_faq/style_faq3

The Associated Press Stylebook? Single-space.

http://www.apstylebook.com/online/index.php?do=entry&id=3544&src=AE

US Government Printing Office Style Guide? Single-space.

http://frwebgate.access.gpo.gov/cgi-bin/getdoc.cgi?dbname=2008_style_manual&docid=f:chapter2.wais

Typewriter Instructors of the 1980s? Single-space.

“We apologize for improperly indoctrinating a generation of people into the fallacy of double-spacing after periods. We are submitting ourselves for an immediate time-out in the corner, plus assigning ourselves an essay that must describe the evils perpetrated around the world as a result of double-spacing. Our bad.”

The Guatemalan Department of Indigenous Fruit Consumption? Single-space.

Elvis Impersonators Local 509 of Oshkosk, Wisconsin? Single-space.

It never ends.

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Let’s Firebomb the Internet Today, Shall We

Star Wars Lego. We’re not there yet, but I can’t wait until we are.

You know that part in a relationship where everything is new and exciting and every uttered word *obviously* has a deeper meaning and you’re scared that when you say something it’ll be taken totally against the grain of how you meant it to be taken and then you worry about worrying too much? That never goes away, no matter how old you are, does it?

Chuck E Cheese. I don’t get it. At all. Bad food, thousands of unsupervised kids, parents huddled against the windows reading books and talking on the phone, four-year old boys being introduced to machine-gun video games, and multiple forms of alternative form of currency designed like Vegas. I’ve been once, I hope to never go again. Seriously, I’d rather catch a puddle-jumper to Biloxi next time.

You know why I always buy my son two Lego kits? Because that way I’m guaranteed to be able to put one together myself. The next time he goes on vacation, I’m buying a Big Set, like the Death Star, and just building it because it’s so much fun.

If there’s a source of Yoshi clothing out there, I would win major kiddo-points if I got the boy some of that swag.

My 350Z is approaching 120,000 miles before its fifth birthday. I have been car-shopping for over a year now, and am no closer to picking a replacement carriage than I was before. I need a fleet of vehicles and a multi-car garage, really.

You know you’re a parent when you use Murphy’s Oil Soap on the wooden computer deak, the black marker comes up mostly, but not entirely, and you’re pleased with the result anyway.

I am now friends with a seventh-grade English teacher who double-spaces after periods. You can see what my new 2010 New Years Resolution is going to be, don’t you. I will break her.

I purchased a tin of Starbucks mocha powder and have been spooning through it for a little over a month. It finally died last week, so I boogied over to Barneys and bought two proper bottles of raspberry syrup. It feels good to come home.

You know the five stages of grief? I have officially entered Acceptance and d@mn if it doesn’t feel fantastic.

Yes a Porsche sedan would solve most, but not all, my motoring problems.

It is almost the end of January and I have avoided Bed, Bath, and Beyond in-totality. I deserve a new, round tablecloth for that effort. I wonder who sells them? Oh wait…

iPad is a really stupid name. There, I said it. Jobs busted a grumpy on that one. Yes I still want one.

My son talks trash to me about Mario Kart for Wii. I am as good… I am almost as good at it as he is, and while I don’t feel the pangs of not being seven years old, I do wish I could guarantee myself that I could administer a proper Mario Kart butt-kicking when he taunts me. I may just have to spend his college fund on a motorcycle instead.

I said, “Have you seen this movie, ‘Marley and Me‘?”

She said, “No, so don’t tell me how it ends.”

I heard, “No, but tell me how it ends.”

I said, “THEY EUTHANIZE THE DOG. IT MADE MY SON CRY.”

She said, “You jack@ss, I said NOT to tell me.”

I said, “Um… you love dogs, so you wouldn’t want to see the movie anyway. It’s a good thing I told you.”

She said, “You’re probably right.”

I said, “So I’m off the hook?”

She said, “H3ll no.”

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Because I Can’t Form a Coherent Theme

I wish I had a good college story for this, but I really don’t.

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Blast from the Past

How many times did you see Christy Brinkley in something other than traditional clothing?

What kind of car did your grandfather drive?

What’s the best nickname you’ve ever heard in WoW?

Where did you live while going to elementary school?

Who was the first girl you ever kissed?

Hurricanes or earthquakes?

What’s your favorite car color?

Do you think you’ll ever play WoW again?

Root beer or creme soda?

What city would you most like to visit?

Living in Orlando, what do you consider cold?

What’s the one program you couldn’t live without?

What would you like your next car to be?

Would you recommend someone take technical writing if they didn’t have to?

Are you in love?

Leno or Letterman?

What college do you wish you had gone to?

What college do you wish you had gone to if cost had been no object?

When you fly, what airline is your favorite?

When was the last time you ate camel-meat?

What was the worst experience you’ve had with a woman you’ve cared about?

Best Star Wars movie?

Do you really read romance novels?

Do you really watch cartoons with your son?

What’s the one iPhone app you’re most ashamed to admit you own?

Have you ever worked for someone famous?

Are your best years ahead of you?

With whom were you discussing breakfast cereal, hmm?

What does your idea woman look like?

What’s the most sensitive part of your body?

What keeps you working in the tech sector?

What’s the one iPhone app you wished worked as well as it’s advertised?

What was the longest you’ve driven in a car without a radio?

Who was the major male influence in your life?

Just who was the BRK EA?

Cost no object, what computer are you buying and with what operating system?

What’s the thing around the house you like doing least?

What’s your idea of a romanic evening?

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Well OK, Just This Once

Yes.

Twice.

Datsun.

The Diet Coke of Evil.

Lexington, KY.

She was blond, we were both five years old, and I broke her arm totally accidentally because I made a high-jump with a string and tied the ends, but we smooched behind the wooden teepee.

Hurricanes, definitely.

Black.

No.

Creme Soda.

Seattle.

Below 70 degrees.

Microsoft Word.

Nissan 370Z, unless I can get a Porsche Cayman S.

Yes.

Right now, no. But I’m hopeful.

I don’t watch, so I have no opinion.

For some reason, I say the University of Arizona, but I have no idea why.

Cost no object? Swarthmore.

Virgin Atlantic, but usually SouthWest.

Saudi Arabia, 1993.

The girl who dated me and said, “Daniel, if I could marry a man, it would be you.”

Star Wars V.

Yes.

No comment.

TWI.

Yes, Billy Joel.

I hope so.

NEXT QUESTION. /blush

I really don’t care, just “normal”.

Back of the knuckles.

Money.

The Miller Lite iPhone app.

Bremmerhaven, Germany to Oostend, Belgium.

My grandfather.

TJ.

MacBook Air, dual boot.

Mowing the lawn, or any yard work.

A tent made of sheets and the sofa, tiramisu, rain, and two pause buttons.

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The Questions Are None of Your Business

No, you don’t understand. I LOVE to drive. Driving is how I learn about myself, it’s how I reflect on my mistakes, my successes, and my hopes for the future.

Driving helps me pray. Some people burn incense, some people read the Bible, I drive.

When I was in high school, I drove because I was lonely. I went to a very small high school – 90 kids in my graduating class – and I not only didn’t have a girlfriend, but I didn’t have a date until after I graduated. I drove and listened to music that made me happy, made me sad, and allowed me to talk to God and beg for the loneliness to end. Night after night, mile after mile, song after song, putting around the north shore of Long Island, communing with God and learning about myself.

After college I joined the Air Force and was sent to England. I bought a Geo Tracker and drove it around Europe. I loved that little thing, had a Blaupunkt head unit, Polk Audio speakers, and a Bazooka Tube for bass. No girlfriend while I lived in Europe, but I drove the beejeezus out of that truck.

I moved to California and got a Honda del Sol. Alpine head unit, JL Audio speakers, and a pre-fabricated JL Audio dual 10” subwoofer box replacing the storage compartments behind the seats. Yes the cowl-shake was extreme, yes people made fun of my Super Hero green car, but it was a hard-top convertible in the California sun, and I drove everywhere, music blaring.

Correction: not blaring. I have never been an SPL-freak, (i.e. I don’t care about the volume.) I cared about the sound quality. Tight bass, not pounding. Crisp mids, and the tweeters properly spaced and angled to produce the best sound-stage possible in the driver’s seat. Music volume is important so that the music can be heard and felt, but I didn’t make my stereo so loud as to be obnoxious or to damage my hearing.

Now I have a 350Z, Clarion head unit in the dash with a pair of Boston Acoustics separates in the doors. And this past Sunday, I drove. It was glorious. The day will come when I can explain why I was so excited to be driving yesterday, but for now, here’s what I listened to:

• Is It For Me, by Toad the Wet Sprocket
• Human Touch, by Bruce Springsteen
• Don’t You Forget About Me, by Simple Minds
• Human Wheels, by John Cougar Mellencamp
• Runnin’ Down a Dream, by Tom Petty

I got to drive yesterday. I talked to God. I felt the steering wheel hug the road and the pulse of the engine through the gear shift. The music filled me, and I achieved the state of awareness that allows me to reflect on the past and look into the future.

And the future looked and sounded pretty damn good.

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I Need a 12″ Subwoofer, I Know