So this football season now presents me with a quartet of teams that I cannot love and I cannot hate. I can care a little, I can enjoy the quality of play, but do I have any reason to believe that no matter which teams wins the Super Bowl, I’m going to go to work the next day either with a spring in my step or an anchor in my pants?

Let’s see why.

The Vikings are the Yankees of the NFL, and as a Yankees fan myself I should applaud them, and I do. Until this year, they had a tremendous defense no doubt, but their offense was like a Formula 1 race car driven by Pee Wee Herman. So they bring in the greatest quarterback who’s every played – not the most successful, which is Terry Bradshaw, but who’s going to argue that he’s the greatest? – and Favre has the greatest year of his illustrious career. The dude is 40. I’m 40. Favre is me if I had made a pact with the devil. I don’t begrudge him retiring and un-retiring, and I don’t even begrudge him the manner in which he did it all. And the person with whom I watch football every week loves him, so it should make rooting for Favre and the Vikings very easy.

But unless you are capable of loving the Yankees, you cannot root for the Vikings. I do, and I can, but for 98% of America, you’re not capable. I understand this and I empathize, and it colors my opinion of the entire team. I grew up loving the Yankees, so I can deal with all your hate and your jealousy. But I am not, by birth, a Vikings fan. I like Favre, but by doing so, I inherit a lot of angst and grief that is the total opposite of the love the Steelers get everywhere they go. You can NOT root for this team, and I don’t blame you, especially when…

The Saints are hosting the NFC championship game for the first time in their history. This is the Saints, people. The Aints. The teams with the fans who wore garbage bags (paper) on their heads for decades. The team with the drunken owner, (the Raiders have an insane owner, which is a bit different.) The team who introduced playing football indoors on concrete, I’m pretty sure. The team for which the toughest man in football, Jack Youngblood, felt sorry. America loves an underdog, and there is no team that has had a worse history than the Saints. How can you NOT root for the Saints to do well?

I’ll tell you how: Reggie Bush. Dude is dating a Kardashian. I can’t root for this, I can’t tacitly approve of this! Jeremy Shockey? I have to root for him? And the Saints themselves? They are going to crush their fans’ hearts, we all know it. Rooting for the Saints is like the captain of the high school chess club taking the homecoming queen to the prom and NOT expecting her to dump him for the varsity quarterback the first second she can. Disappointment is inevitable and we all know it. Rooting for the Saints is not the smart move, especially when…

Peyton Manning and the Colts are in the playoffs. It’s Peyton Manning, the man who will someday be the greatest quarterback who ever played the game. I’m not qualified to describe the qualities he brings to the Colts other than to say that without him the Colts are a 5-11 team. Favre is having the best season of his career, but Peyton has this year, every year. Replace his world-class receiving corps with rookies and journeyman? Peyton doesn’t care. Give him three seconds and he’d hit a triple-covered Kim Kardashian running a fly pattern.

So why can’t I root for Peyton? Because I should be rooting for the Colts, not a single player. Do the Colts even have a head coach? Do they have anybody on defense? Peyton does some seriously funny commercials – the Oreo one with Trump is a riot – but I want to root for a team, not a quarterback and a bunch of nobodies. When my Steelers were a dominant team, I could name everybody. When the Cowboys owned everything, I could show you my list or Dirty Rotten Cowboys Who Belonged In Prison. Peyton Manning may win the Super Bowl, but will anybody remember a member of the Colts other than Peyton in a week? No way, especially when…

The NY Jets are going to beat the Colts. It’s fate, it cannot be denied. The Jets are going to beat the Colts, go to the Super Bowl, and get pounded into the dirt by the NFC representative, thereby continuing the string of hopelessly boring Super Bowl games. Colts versus Vikings, I would LOVE to see that game. The two greatest quarterbacks of my lifetime in the Super Bowl? Has this happened since Marino and Montana? We all need to beg the football gods for this game.

But the Super Bowl gods are not kind, and the Super Bowl does not provide good games. And the best way for this huge spectacle of America culture to once again disappoint us is for the Jets to win again the Colts. Thus nobody, not even my step-father who is a HUGE Jets fan, should be rooting for this team. Yes, congratulations to them for beating the Chargers, we’re happy for you. Now can you please intentionally lose against the Colts? Maybe they can just miss their charter flight and have to forfeit, for if the Jets arrive in Indianapolis, they will undoubtedly win, and then hock up a total piece of garbage in the Super Bowl. Rooting for the Jets is the same as rooting to attend a wedding on Super Bowl Sunday.

So here we go, you can quit watching the NFL now. Vikings will beat the Saints, because the Saints are not allowed to not disappoint their fans. The Jets will beat the Colts, because the Super Bowl cannot be entertaining. And the Vikings take the Jets outside the woodshed, beat them about the head and shoulders with their own helmets, and win with a final score of 45-13. Brett Favre gets his second Super Bowl ring and most of the country runs to the bathroom to retch.

I love football.

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Post from: Brain Needed Space

It Was the Best of Football, It Was the Worst of Football

Iron Chef Japanese, Chinese, and French, foshizzle. Look at Morimoto and how young he is!

Notice the differences:

Japanese is more campy, American more educational.

Japanese emphasize the honor of the cooks and their cooking schools, American omits any hint of the history behind the chefs.

Japanese use mostly Asian influences, American doesn’t have a major overall culinary theme at all.

Japanese have Dr. Hitori, American have Alton Brown.

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Post from: Brain Needed Space

Iron Chefs, Part I

1. Which of the following TV shows does Daniel not record and watch:

A. That cartoon of the punk kid with the talking dog, but has two hot redhead scientist sisters.

B. Phineas and Ferb (FERRRRB!)

C. Tabitha’s Salon Makeover (ignore the face, just ignore it.)

D. Big Bang Theory (who knew that of all the people on Rosanne, the boyfriend would become so cool!)

2. Which HBO series does Daniel hate the most?

A. Sopranos, the first three years

B. Sex and the City

C. The vampires who die and have sex and some pre-teen named Sookie? WTH?

D. Sopranos, post Big P^ssy’s stupid, STUPID whacking.

3. Which Food Network show does Daniel like the least?

A. Ace of Cakes Guy Worked at the French Laundry and QUIT?

B. Worst Cook in America, (makes me feel SO GOOD about myself.)

C. Chopped, (I want to see this with the best Food Network chefs trying it.)

D. Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives (just no more two-foot long hotdogs, I’m begging you.)

4. Which Iron Chef does Daniel like the least?

A. Big Italian Guy Who Wears Crocs (Kroks?)

B. Kat Cora (Cat Cora? Kat Kora?)

C. Morimoto, (who I saw on the original show in Japan and was MUCH better there)

D. That punk Simon.

5. Which Chopped judge would Daniel like to have dinner with?

A. The short girl who kills with a look but for some reason totally rocks.

B. The master of Latin cooking who’s never cooked anything, Arrrrrrron Sanchez.

C. The white-haired guy who thinks pepper is too hot.

D. The blond who lost on The Next Iron Chef but somehow landed this judging gig?

6. What’s is Daniel’s belief is the best use of HD technology?

A. PBS HD Antiques Roadshow, (I wonder if my trash is worth $1000 at a retail store…)

B. Food Network HD The Barefoot Contessa, (the greatest sleep-aid ever devised.)

C. HD Theater Mecum’s Auto Auction, (I will own a 1959 Corvette someday thanks to that show.)

D. ESPN HD anything but hockey, which continues to be worthless on TV but incredible in person.

7. Which BBC America show can Daniel not stop watching?

A. Anything with that rumpled car repair/sales guy who gets excited about driving a 1970 Fiat, and his gangly mechanic Ed.

B. Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsey, making British cooking oh so good. (/gag)

C. The F Word, (someday people will realize that anything with Ramsey is worth watching, just don’t change him!)

D. How Clean is Your House, (dear Elune quit SCARING ME. I need to wash my house with bleach like right now.)

8. On a scale of 1 -10, how upset does Daniel get that all of Orlando invariably watches the Jaguars, Bucs, or Dolphins every stinking week when his friend in Seattle gets the best games all the D@MN time?

A. 3 (we love our local teams!)

B. 7 (at least we get these crappy games in HD.)

C. 10 (local games should be blacked out based upon record, not attendance!)

D. 14 (I sold Seattle to North Korea; my bad.)

9. You remember Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? Of course you do. What else does Bravo do that Daniel likes?

A. They have a good cooking show, I heard? Padma? Or is that Star Wars?

B. Seal’s wife keeps popping out kids and still goes back to modeling swimsuits and lingerie. There’s a show about this, right?

C. Fashion? They have a fashion contest show, I heard?

D. Tabitha!

10. If Daniel ran Food Network, what would be their next show?

A. Jeff Steingart, the professional food critic who judges lots of their shows, travels America, a la “Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives”, and just critiques the h3ll out of everything, improving our restaurants for everybody.

B. Bill Nye the Science Guy buys drive-thru food and teaches us how much e-coli is in everything we eat every day.

C. Chopped for The Pro’s where a viewer gets to pick what ingredients to use for dinner. First episode, Flay, Batalli, Morimoto, and Cora have to use lentils, orange marmalade, pigs knuckles, a Twinkie, and a bag of three week old salad. I just won the ratings wars, didn’t I?

D. Alton Brown Runs for President. Does anybody think an underpants bomber gets on a plane if A.B. is running the place?

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Post from: Brain Needed Space

Do You Know Daniel: TV

I set my DVR to record The Next Iron Chef, (thank Elune that overbearing pr!ck got the Alton Brown Boot.)

Speaking of Alton, can I start the “Brown for President” campaign now? /worship

I want Paula Deen to be my step-mom, and I don’t even like grits.

Is there another woman like Alex Guarnaschelli who is so sexy being a massive smartass? (Do I have to peel the carrots, Alex? I’m down with the brown sugar and molasses, though; I’m taking copious notes.)

Jeffrey Steingarten needs his own show, and the fact that this hasn’t happened is a national tragedy.

Bobby Flay is Severus Snape. Is there any doubt about this?

Chopped is tremendous, even though I wouldn’t eat 90% of what the chef’s are forced to make.

Great job, Food Network. Just one thing: can you please tart Giada De Laurentis down some?

She’s a lovely woman. She seems honestly nice and warm and someone I would love to be friends with. But how am I supposed to learn to make her ravioli when she’s flashing her cleavage at me? What the h3ll is she making, Pasta and deep-cut-emerald-green-silk-blouse? Is that a pesto?

Just get the makeup artist to quit applying Giada’s makeup like she’s going on Cosmo, and the dresser to put her in clothing that isn’t made for going to a bar on Friday night. You are Food Network, not Playboy.

(And a note for her probably very nice husband: Dude, you totally outkicked your coverage, you know that, right? Totally. I think you are now in the urban dictionary for this term. Grats.)

I watch Giada and I never even look at the food. I watch Paula Deen feed her sons and my heart melts. That’s the difference, Food Network, that’s the difference.

Sincerely yours in gastronomic heaven,

Daniel

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Post from: Brain Needed Space

Dear Food Network