On the bright side, there are 105,000 different hunter-forums upon which to play. Get out of the house, go make new friends. You can’t just sit here, play Mario Kart Wii, and eat Cheetos all dang afternoon, you know.

Randomness Time, (because I just can’t seem to focus lately):

Why is Gordon Ramsey so much better on BBC America than he is on American TV?

Someone chain Ted Allen to the set and make more Chopped!

I would love to own a restaurant. I just don’t want to deal with employees, customers, food, bills, or 90+ hour work-weeks. Otherwise, I’d love to own a restaurant.

My new 12″ Cuisinart stainless saute pan has a name: Mr. Pan. You will be hearing about Mr Pan. He is… precious to me.

I get free drizzle at Starbucks, now that I am a Super, Uber, Hipster, Favored Customer. My cafe mocha has now become a mocha-drizzle cafe mocha. Yes, the barista giggles every morning at me.

And on top of that, I have been informed that my red leather iPhone case is not mannish. Well I’m not running about with lace-ruffled cuffs and a snuff-ring, so I don’t think this is a trend. But to be told by a pretty girl that my iPhone case is just what SHE’S been looking for because it matches her shoes put a tiny dent in my ego.

Yes, I know I have a massive ego. I have actually been clinically diagnosed as having, “… an over-inflated sense of self-worth.” Basically, the doctor told me I am smug. Kinda makes the entire BRK Worldwide Amalgamated empire come into focus, doesn’t it.

I ate a homemade chocolate chip cookie that was entrusted to me to take home to my son. I didn’t lie about eating it when questioned later, but my self-control wasn’t strong enough to allow it to sit at my office for four hours, unmolested. But then my son got both Pez and Reese Peanut Butter Hearts for Valentine’s Day, so don’t crucify me. I am making the cookie-baker come up with a tray of cookies so I can’t eat them all next time. It was a trap! I got to eat one, then had to have the other sit there, calling to me, knowing how good it was going to taste. Totally unfair.

I want more straight-away track on my luge and bobsled races. Dang it, Vancouver. And why is the finish line right after a turn? And why is the longest stretch of straight track the slow-down incline? And why did you have unprotected steel girders right beside the turn that accelerated sliders to 90+ miles per hour? Makes me want to punch those people right in the goiter.

Short-track speed skating is the bomb-diggity. It’s just one or two kidney-shots away from being roller derby.

I watched the womens’ moguls and all I can think is, “Why did they put the bumps in the snow?” Any sport that requires a Explain the Field to Me moment needs to be cut out of the Olympics.

Did Terrance and Philip make it to the opening ceremony? I missed that.

You know what’s wrong with Curling — and I think I’ve beaten this horse before — is that the competitors are not required to hold beer bottles while playing. I want the Jamaican Curling Team to have Red Stripe, the Japanese team to have Sapporo, etc. There aren’t many Olympic sports that would be positively accentuated with the addition of open containers, but Curling basically demands it.

Sochi, Russia is hosting the 2014 Winter Olympics and here’s my submission for a new sport: Snow Fort Building. Teams have sixty minutes and a dump-truck of snow to build a snow fort without using tools. It’ll be totally subjective, and the judges will be not allowed to be older than ten. This idea is way better than beer-less Curling, and don’t try to argue it’s not.

Quit telling me to visit British Columbia, TV. It’s 37 degrees in Orlando and I’m setting my sofa on fire.

Brain is telling me to buy a silver 2006 Chrysler 300 SRT. It’s got a 6.1 litre V8 Hemi and gets 20 miles per gallon when it goes downhill being pushed by hurricane-force winds. Zero-to-60 in 5.2 seconds. I do need a vehicle that seats more than two, but I don’t need a 425 horsepower sedan. I don’t. No. Shut up, Brain!

On Tuesday, I am supposed to dress “appropriately” for work. I wasn’t singled out, no, but there’s a big to-do happening and apparently we’re not supposed to look like a bunch of homeless but talented software developers. I bought my son a Phineas and Ferb t-shirt from Target yesterday. I think I’m going to see if they have adult sizes.

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Post from: Brain Needed Space

The Forums are Dead; Long Live the Forums

“DEAR JEEBUS NO!”

Yes, the candle place. Flowers and fruit and sprays and all the stuff you can’t stand in your bedroom.

But did you know there’s stuff in there for men? Of course you didn’t; the dumb {expletive deleted} don’t label them as such.

Next time you’re captured inside Yankee Candle, find Midsummer’s Night. Don’t smell the candle itself; smell the inside of the lid. It’s not a feminine candle, fellas. It’s like cologne for your bedroom.

Now since a vast swath of the male population hasn’t a clue how to put on cologne, let’s get Candle Instructions out of the way.

Buy the medium jar. Light it, let it burn for three hours. Snuff out the candle. Trim the wick to ¹/₈“.

Always burn your jar candles for three hours to avoid “mushrooming” of the candle wax.

How do you trim the wick? Some people use regular scissors, some people use toenail clippers. But the truly suave use real candle wick trimmers. Does your significant other go simply crazy for those bell-jar candles? Well now you know just what to get as a stocking stuffer AND you get to explain how proper wick-care leads to cleaner and longer candle burns.

Look, any chump can buy a girl her own pink Wii controller and nunchuck, but how about you be a little more sensitive and thoughtful this year.

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Post from: Brain Needed Space

Daniel’s Gift-Guide, Part I