So should we jump right into the steak recipe, or should we talk about shallots first?

(TELEPHONE RINGS!)

/sigh

“Yel-lo?”

“Is this Mr. Kitty?”

“You called me; mind introducing yourself, please? Phone-etiquette isn’t dead, ya know?”

“My apologies. This is Howard Schultz, CEO of Starbucks. Do I have the honor and pleasure of speaking with Mr. Kitty?”

“You can call me Daniel, but you’re on the right trajectory.”

“Excellent. I understand you’ve been promoting our newest coffee, Dark Cherry Mocha?”

“With a passion that burns with the heat of 1000 suns, yes sir!”

“That’s very kind of you. It’s word-of-mouth advertising like yours that makes this billionaire’s heart warm and my pockets tingle with the opportunity of a joint business venture.”

“NO WAI!”

“Wai.”

“You’re serious?”

“Serious.”

“What’s your plan, cochise?”

“How about I give you a coupon that you can put on your blog that will allow your readers to get a free Dark Cherry Mocha from their local Starbucks restaurant?”

“NO WAI!!”

“Wai.”

“Send me the graphic and I’ll slap it up there, PDQ!”

“Well Mr. Kitty, check your in-box.”

“SWEET!” Now you’re sure this is 100%, totally, no-foolin’, no-kiddin’, too legit to quit?”

“Totally. Legit.^*“

“We’re posting right now!”

“Again, Mr. Kitty, thank you for your continued patronage and writings.”

(click)

Well shut my mouth and call me cornbread.

^{* 100% totally NOT legit.}

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Post from: Brain Needed Space

Gonna Unpublish This Number

New database, new expansion, new life. No promises, but for the summer I’m going to get my hands a little dirty.

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Post from: Brain Needed Space

Where Alpha is Alpha

2. No, I’m not going to violate the Non-Disclosure Agreement.

3. No, this does not mean I’m coming back to “play” WoW. My account has not been active for a year and it isn’t active now.

4. No, TJ is not going to be the BRK Executive Assistant. Not because she wouldn’t rock at it, but frankly she’s extremely busy with wedding plans and electro-shocking Phil’s thumbs into the air.

5. Yes, a new BRK EA is being groomed.

6. Yes, my son is the most important person or thing in my life. He and his mother and I are linked for the rest of our lives. I wish her nothing but happiness and success as that will make her a better mother for our son, as I hope she wishes for me to be a better father. I will never bare our family issues in a public forum, ever. Just like every marriage that doesn’t turn out as we hoped, both parties had their roles to play in how everything evolved, both good and bad. My marriage did not end because of WoW, but last May I did quit WoW to focus on saving my marriage. At this point, we are both much happier than we were for many years, and that’s what’s best for our son, which is what’s most, and basically all, that’s important.

7. No, I will not be covering the entire frickin’ expansion.

8. No, I will not be min-max’ing.

9. No, I will not be developing shot-rotations.

10. No, I will not be espousing one spec over another.

11. Yes, I am going to try be a Hunter Tour Guide for Cataclysm. That is an excellent nom de guerre.

12. Yes, I will be maintaining both websites.

13. Yes, I’m going to do everything I can to keep Mania out of the alpha and beta. (/giggle snort)

14. Yes, Ghostcrawler totally emailed me a T-Mobile phone.

15. Yes, if you believe #14, you owe me a dollar.

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Post from: Brain Needed Space

Answering the Mail Bag

/looks around nervously

You need a pan.

/checks the phone, confirms it’s off

Cast iron.

/takes the battery out of the phone

With ridges to get those nice grill marks.

/puts the de-batteried phone under the bed

/blinks

And you want shallots red wine beef broth salt and pepper!

/examines the silence, warily

So what we want…

(DOORBELL RINGS!!)

/sighs

Hold on, please.

/opens door, says hello to the UPS man, signs that weird, brown computer upside-down, brings a small box inside, opens the box, finds another small box, opens that…

A cell phone?

(TELEPHONE RINGS!!)

NO NO NO NO!

(TELEPHONE RINGS!!)

I give up.

“Yel-lo?”

“BRK BABYCAKES!! I sent you your own Authentic Blizzard T-Mobile Communication and Tracking Gear! It’s sweet, and I can put you on the company plan for peanuts, and then I can call you using the OnStar in my Denali, anytime I WANT!”

“That’s… that’s something.”

“You’re not just whistling Dixie, chucklebuns! So what do you SAY?!”

“Say? Say to what?”

“To my offer of playing in the Friends and Family Alpha for Cataclysm, you loud-mouthed schnook! Quit making me beg; I’ll TOTALLY do it!”

“You never really offered. You just keep calling and yelling and…”

“BUY IT, MARJORIE! BRANDI SAID SHE WANTED A SHARPIE!”

“A sharpie?”

“Brandi wants to color something, I guess. I’m having my Personal Executive Administrative Assistant buy one. Why we need to get dog food I have NO idea. But it’s just money, Pablo! I keep a box of it in the yard like Tony Soprano!”

“Maybe Brandi wants a sharpei?”

“She can have as many crayons as she wants, but that’s not important NOW!”

“What is important now?”

“You and my Alpha, BRK! Get in, sit down, shut up, and hang on!”

“Well just how alpha is this alpha?”

“It’s wicked-alpha, that’s what I’m saying. We’re not even using the word Cataclysm yet; we just abbreviate it with a K!”

“But Cataclysm begins…”

“‘WHERE IS MY K?!’ I yell at those dweebs, and they scurry about, slapping keyboards and making silly voices into microphones. It’s heady, I tell ya! Just like Emperor Palpitations!”

“I’m completely lost…”

“You wanna see Cataclysm before everyone else, make recommendations, point fingers, gesticulate wildly…”

“Nice word, gesticulate.”

“Thanks! Got a Word of the Day calendar from Brandi for Christmas; that was January 1st!”

“Well you nailed it.”

“BRK, ya make me feel so special! This is EXACTLY why we need you!”

“What’s the gig pay?”

“Pay? Pay you? You’re REALLY thinking outside the box on that one! I named a gun after you; that’s the end of the line, Princess!”

“OK, so you want me to come out of retirement, try the Cataclysm alpha, make recommendations, restart the old blog, and what else?”

“Whatever you want! The world is your oyster! The sky’s the limit!”

“How about I not reach for the sky and just blog a little, do a few movies and screenshots. I don’t want to do forums and radio shows and raid 25-mans and turn this into a second job again.”

“You’re the boss, sassafras! I mean, I just FEEL the creative juices from here!”

“That’s disturbing.”

“Art ain’t pretty! Warhol said that, I’m certain!”

“So what happens now?”

“MARJORIE! DO WE HAVE THE MARKERS?! YES? THEY WET THE CARPET!? HOW DO MARKERS DO THAT?! KEEP THE CAPS ON ‘EM, DANG IT! NOW EMAIL BRK THE ALPHA CODES, RIGHT PRONTO, OR YOU’RE OUT ON YOUR PENCIL-SKIRTED KEISTER!”

“You’re certain that’s so wise; saying those things to her?”

“Mom takes a great deal of abuse, you’re right, but she always puts baby carrots in my lunch box even after I TOLD her I like celery. She’s lucky I give her a job at all!”

“Well the email arrived. I’ll start downloading.”

“You’re on the ball! Let me know what you think! I gotta run and get those markers to Brandi before they ruin my alpaca carpets!”

“You do…”

(click)

“…that.”

So one more day, and I’ll do the steak thing. I swear.

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The Phone Is Off

Cast iron, my friends. Not aluminum, not stainless steel, not non-stick DuPont fluoropolymer resins. Cast honkin’ iron is where…

(telephone rings!!)

…our salvation lies when it comes to cooking steak. What you want to be considered knowledgeable and hip is a cast iron…

(telephone rings!!)

…grilling pan. What makes cast iron so awesome? Specifically, it’s the…

(telephone rings!!)

…ability of the metal to…

(telephone rings!!)

OMG answer the phone, someone!

/sigh

(telephone rings!!)

Yeah. I’ll get it.

“Yel-lo?”

“BRK BABY!”

“Greg?”

“You nailed it, sweetheart! First try; so you get a prize!”

“What do you want, Greg.”

“A solid gold yo-yo and a piazza. But I’ll settle for knowing what your summer plans are! I have some stuff about which we must speak all legal-like!”

“My summer plans?”

“Yes! I’ve got a couple of SeaDoos and a 2010 Ford F-150 SVT Raptor that’s demanding some TLC from you and me!”

“Seriously?”

“Pfft. Heck no. Like I’m gonna give up a SeaDoo when Brandi named her’s ‘Bouncy Mo’Mouncy’? You’re outta your lemon tree, you are.”

“Greg…”

“Listen, whatcha DOIN‘ this summer? Family stuff?”

“OK, since you asked, I’ll tell you: My son is going to visit his mother for the summer.”

“For the whole summer? Like gone? Out of state?”

“Precisely.”

“So whatcha gonna DO, cochise? Prospect for gold in the Peruvian mountains? Photograph bikini models in Bimini? Write a movie for Johnny Depp that doesn’t suck?”

“Work. Write. Cook. Blog, and maybe…”

“Be a boring childless single parent while keeping an incredibly clean house and going to the movies alone, I HEAR you, and it sounds dreadful and utterly pathetic and lonely.”

“I won’t be alone.”

“…”

“…”

“YOU DOG!! I’m proud of you, you old rat b@stard! Tell me…”

“Line. Sand. Drawn. Enough.”

“Whoa whoa WHOA, babycakes, it’s all good. Understood, limits are limits and I won’t press.”

“Thank you.”

“Does she have a sister?”

“BE QUIET!”

“You’re right; Brandi would totally NOT go for anything like that.”

“Sheesh.”

“So anywho, here’s my idea! You’re gonna be pathetic and bored and lonely…”

“Um, not…”

“… and I’ve got this little project that I need some help with! How much karma does it take to fill a room? I don’t know, but we’re almost THERE!”

“What’s the project?”

“PUT MORE HORSERADISH ON IT! HORSE. EEE. SAUCE! I SAID EXTRA!”

“Horsie sauce?”

“Arby’s chuckleheads can’t get an order right if you burned the list into their cerebellum with a laser. CURLY FRIES AND A DR. PEPPER, YOU ANIMALS!”

“I like curly fries…”

“So my project needs someone of refinement, quality, breeding, artistic flare, and a disposition as sunny as the surface of Mars…”

“Why does this sound like it’s starting badly?”

“So I called Pike, but she didn’t answer.”

“Bazinga?”

“So you’re UP, buttercup! Whatcha say to THAT!”

“Say?”

“To THAT, yes!”

“Well I think…”

“I WANT A PAPER-WRAPPED STRAW OR I’M GONNA COME IN THERE AND BASH SKULLS!! You were saying?”

“I think I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Dude!”

“Dude?”

“DUDE! Let me send you an email and tell me what you think!”

“Well O…”

(click)

K.

…

Yeah, so no cooking again today. These interruptions need to stop.

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Seriously. Meat.

Yes, a steak.

Steak. As in, beef.

See? Making a steak is about more than fire, and while the traditional formula of Fire + Man = Happiness is still true today as it was 10,000 years ago…

(TELEPHONE RING!!)

… it takes more than just fire to make steak taste good.

(TELEPHONE RING!!)

Now there are many ways to make marinades and seasonings, but we’re going to start with what truly makes a steak the favorite meal to cook to show you’re not…

(TELEPHONE RING!!)

… completely incompetent in the kitchen OMG would SOMEONE answer the phone?!

(TELEPHONE RING!!)

FINE. Fine, I’ll get it.

/picks up receiver

“Yel-lo?”

“DUDE!”

“Dude?”

“DUDE!”

“Dude?”

“What’s up, BRK!”

“Um… I’m not BRK anymore…”

“Well get that stinky dwarf on the phone! Time’s money!”

“Money?”

“Money, happiness, cool sports shirts, and what do you call it, raspberry latte?”

“Well actually, I’ve acquired a predilection for dark cherry mocha…”

“Doesn’t matter! We need you!”

“Me? What for? And who is this?”

“It’s Greg, baby!”

“Greg baby?”

“Ghostcrawler! I’m doing 110 on the PCH in my Audi RS8 and it hit me!”

“It hit you? Are you OK?”

“One word: stock options and dividends make crabs happy campers. But that’s not important!”

“Ghostcrawler from Blizzard?”

“Now you’re thinking with your NOODLE!”

“Greg, I’ve been retired for a year. I don’t play WoW anymore.”

“Well that’s good! That’s exactly what I wanted to hear! You’re right in my sweet zone, and this Audi loves the sweet zone, and so does Brandi!”

“Brandi?”

“She packed lunch! It’s in the trunk. I hope she left out the pimento loaf. Pretty girl but bizarre tastes in sandwiches.”

“Sandwiches?”

“You’re off-track again! Why are you thinking about food when we’re talking about WoW?”

“I’m not talking about WoW; you are. Kinda.”

“Yes I am and no I’m not! That’s what’s so cool! We need you, BRK!”

“Daniel. BRK is happily retired.”

“Retired my pampered, leather-swaddled behind! You heard I have something on the burners right now, yes?”

“Burners? Are we talking about food again?”

“No! The sandwiches are cold. I’m talking about WoW-burners, baby!”

“We are? I can’t tell anymore…”

“Alpha, my Friend! And I capitalized ‘Friend’ if you get my four-wheel drive drift!”

“Alpha?”

“MOVE THAT SEMI OR I’LL TOTALLY SLIDE UNDER THE TRAILER LIKE I WAS TOM SELLECK! DO YOU NEED THAT ON YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE? GOT SLID UNDER BY A GEEK IN AN AUDI?!”

“What semi?”

“These doofuses don’t understand Proper Vehicle Hierarchy at ALL! Audi RS8 before Sam’s Club trucks! It’s basic road LAW, for Elune’s sake!”

“Maybe you’d better drive, Greg.”

“I AM driving, sweet potato! Like f-ing Michael Schumacher! I hope the sandwiches are wrapped in wax paper; the mustard will get all OVER my interior, otherwise.”

“Greg, pull over, go home, do something other than yell at me while you’re on the Pacific Coast Highway.”

“Can do, kemosabe! Back atcha after I park this beast! NO BRANDI I DIDN’T CALL YOU A BEAST! Oh come on, put the Mello Yellow down! NO NOT ON THE SEATS!! NOOOOO!”

(click)

…

Well that wasn’t what I was expecting, not at all. OK, I’ll try this recipe again tomorrow; things are a little too crazy right now.

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Where The Steel Meets the Fire

What would it have looked like? It would’ve been grand, amazing, outstanding, irreverent, filled with errors and type-o’s, and basically freakin’ awesome.

Or, something like this:

Table of Contents
Introduction
About This Book
Conventions Used
How to Use this Book
What You’re Not to Read
Foolish Assumptions
How This Book Is Organized
Icons Used in This Book
Where to Go from Here

Part I. What to Know Before You Even Start
Ch.1 Understanding the Whole Concept
Ch.2 Clearing Up the Misunderstandings in Chapter 1
Ch.3 World of Warcraft and Kids: A Parent’s Miniguide
Ch.4 Loading the Game, Updates and Patches
Ch.5 Oh My Goodness, Let’s Start It!
Ch.6 Blizzard Made Movies for a Reason
Ch.7 Alliance and Horde
Ch.8 Races and Classes
Ch.9 PvP, PvE, RPPvP, EIEIO
Ch. 10 Build Your Face and Give Yourself a Good Name
Ch.11 Pick the Correct Server

Part II. Don’t Just Stand There, Do Something
Ch.12 The User Interface, aka The Screen
Ch.13 Your Keyboard, Mouse and How to Use Them
Ch.14 Options, Options Everywhere
Ch.15 The Baby-Pool Zone
Ch.16 Your First Quest!
Ch.17 They’re Your Bags, Baby!
Ch.18 The How and Why of Hitting Things
Ch.19 Experience and Leveling: Ding!
Ch.20 Hey, There are Other People Here…

Part III. How to Grow as a Person
Ch.21 The Character Panel
Ch.22 Armor and Weapons
Ch.23 Talents and Trees
Ch.24 The Spellbook
Ch.25 Stats, But No Math Involved
Ch.26 A Little Math, But Don’t Freak Out
Ch.27 Professions and Their Goodies
Ch.28 Trainers, Merchants, The Bank and The Auction House
Ch.29 Consumables: Food and Drink (Yum!)
Ch.30 A Small Glimpse of the Big, Wide World
Ch.31 Communication Methods: How to Yap
Ch.32 Vernacular: How to Talk the Talk
Ch.33 Guilds: Bringing People Together
Ch.34 Playing With People in Parties and Raids
Ch.35 Killing People For Fun and Profit

Part IV. You Know How to Start the Car, Now Let’s Race
Ch.36 Just What are Mobs, Anyway?
Ch.37 Tanking and Aggro for Metal-Heads
Ch.38 Dealing Damage Like a Pro
Ch.39 Healing and Keeping People Alive
Ch.40 Crowd-Control and Focused-Fire
Ch.41 The Tao of Threat
Ch.42 Put It All Together and Fight as a Team
Ch.43 Instances Were Made for You and Me
Ch.44 PvP Action is Fantastic!

Part V. The Part of Tens
Ch.45 Ten Ways to Customize your User Interface
Ch.46 Ten Ways to Be a Good Member of the Community
Ch.47 Ten Ways to Not Get Ripped Off
Ch.48 Ten Ways to Make Lots of Gold
Ch.49 Ten Ways to Dominate All That You See
Ch.50 Ten Outstanding Internet Resources

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Almost But Not Quite

Using as a Tribute to BRK But Wisely Decided Against.

For Example:

You don’t have to use the WoW Item Creator, plain ol’ text in the comments will do. Like:

“In Ironforge near the training dummies is an inn. Behind the bar is a spittoon, and they almost made it the “BRK Memorial Gargling Training Facility.”

Any questions?

Go.

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Time for Some Silliness at My Expense

I love the blurb. Thank you Blizzard!

/sniffle

/giggle

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Awww, They Shouldn’t Have

UPDATE! High bid is fifteen bucks (signed? OK.) 8:37pm 01 Aug 09.

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Re.Tie.Erd.