Brain Needed Space

Do You Know Daniel: TV

Jan 7th, 2010 by Daniel

1. Which of the following TV shows does Daniel not record and watch:

A. That cartoon of the punk kid with the talking dog, but has two hot redhead scientist sisters.

B. Phineas and Ferb (FERRRRB!)

C. Tabitha’s Salon Makeover (ignore the face, just ignore it.)

D. Big Bang Theory (who knew that of all the people on Rosanne, the boyfriend would become so cool!)

2. Which HBO series does Daniel hate the most?

A. Sopranos, the first three years

B. Sex and the City

C. The vampires who die and have sex and some pre-teen named Sookie? WTH?

D. Sopranos, post Big P^ssy’s stupid, STUPID whacking.

3. Which Food Network show does Daniel like the least?

A. Ace of Cakes Guy Worked at the French Laundry and QUIT?

B. Worst Cook in America, (makes me feel SO GOOD about myself.)

C. Chopped, (I want to see this with the best Food Network chefs trying it.)

D. Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives (just no more two-foot long hotdogs, I’m begging you.)

4. Which Iron Chef does Daniel like the least?

A. Big Italian Guy Who Wears Crocs (Kroks?)

B. Kat Cora (Cat Cora? Kat Kora?)

C. Morimoto, (who I saw on the original show in Japan and was MUCH better there)

D. That punk Simon.

5. Which Chopped judge would Daniel like to have dinner with?

A. The short girl who kills with a look but for some reason totally rocks.

B. The master of Latin cooking who’s never cooked anything, Arrrrrrron Sanchez.

C. The white-haired guy who thinks pepper is too hot.

D. The blond who lost on The Next Iron Chef but somehow landed this judging gig?

6. What’s is Daniel’s belief is the best use of HD technology?

A. PBS HD Antiques Roadshow, (I wonder if my trash is worth $1000 at a retail store…)

B. Food Network HD The Barefoot Contessa, (the greatest sleep-aid ever devised.)

C. HD Theater Mecum’s Auto Auction, (I will own a 1959 Corvette someday thanks to that show.)

D. ESPN HD anything but hockey, which continues to be worthless on TV but incredible in person.

7. Which BBC America show can Daniel not stop watching?

A. Anything with that rumpled car repair/sales guy who gets excited about driving a 1970 Fiat, and his gangly mechanic Ed.

B. Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsey, making British cooking oh so good. (/gag)

C. The F Word, (someday people will realize that anything with Ramsey is worth watching, just don’t change him!)

D. How Clean is Your House, (dear Elune quit SCARING ME. I need to wash my house with bleach like right now.)

8. On a scale of 1 -10, how upset does Daniel get that all of Orlando invariably watches the Jaguars, Bucs, or Dolphins every stinking week when his friend in Seattle gets the best games all the D@MN time?

A. 3 (we love our local teams!)

B. 7 (at least we get these crappy games in HD.)

C. 10 (local games should be blacked out based upon record, not attendance!)

D. 14 (I sold Seattle to North Korea; my bad.)

9. You remember Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? Of course you do. What else does Bravo do that Daniel likes?

A. They have a good cooking show, I heard? Padma? Or is that Star Wars?

B. Seal’s wife keeps popping out kids and still goes back to modeling swimsuits and lingerie. There’s a show about this, right?

C. Fashion? They have a fashion contest show, I heard?

D. Tabitha!

10. If Daniel ran Food Network, what would be their next show?

A. Jeff Steingart, the professional food critic who judges lots of their shows, travels America, a la “Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives”, and just critiques the h3ll out of everything, improving our restaurants for everybody.

B. Bill Nye the Science Guy buys drive-thru food and teaches us how much e-coli is in everything we eat every day.

C. Chopped for The Pro’s where a viewer gets to pick what ingredients to use for dinner. First episode, Flay, Batalli, Morimoto, and Cora have to use lentils, orange marmalade, pigs knuckles, a Twinkie, and a bag of three week old salad. I just won the ratings wars, didn’t I?

D. Alton Brown Runs for President. Does anybody think an underpants bomber gets on a plane if A.B. is running the place?

Posted in Television | 22 Comments »

2010 Who the {Bleep} Knows

Jan 5th, 2010 by Daniel

The big thing for which I am waiting, I am still waiting.

I lost a very, very good friend. Not as in lost-lost, or “I left her at Macy’s by accident” lost, but just lost. I hope she’s going to be OK, I miss her a ton.

If you are up north and are experiencing single-digit temperatures, I feel for you. But for us cold-blooded creatures in the south, temps in the 30s are worse because we have no reason to be used to it. Don’t mock me for my four layers of clothing or double-electric blankets, (only one of which is plugged it,) or wearing my lined leather jacket at the office. Yes it’s colder where you are, yes you have snow, yes you live in Chicago for some unknown reason, but you just don’t understand what we Floridians feel like right now. You just don’t.

I have the coolest iPhone case ever. The tall blonde at the restaurant yesterday confirmed it. Yes it’s a red crocodile-leather case. I like both the color and the texture. It’s wicked-cool, and hot college-aged women agree with me.

My one year of being “single” is approaching and while the loneliness is difficult, at least the pain of being alone with someone in the house is gone.

I have invited a friend down to visit for a weekend. I hope she can make it.

The more time I spend at Starbucks, the easier it is to laugh at people who need 42 adjectives to order their coffee. “Tall mocha” or “tall raspberry latte”, foshizzle.

The 100lb Puppy of Love has a fatty deposit in his left armpit that requires removal. It is not dangerous, but it will interfere with his walking. I can take my son to the doctor for shots and be brave for him, but when a vet touches my dog, I cry and sniffle. I’m getting teary just thinking about him having surgery.

My mean cat, Bisky Boodle, does not understand why I’m not taking pictures of her anymore. She’d me mad if I was, but is also mad that I’m not. Frankly, there’s just no winning with her and I quit trying years ago. If I am lying on the couch, she will hop up, but her face next to mine and say, “I am going to lie next to you, see? Don’t touch me. Don’t coo at me. Don’t call me cute names. Don’t move. I am here because I am sure it is an inconvenience for you, that’s all.”

I have no desire to make stuffed mushrooms anymore. My lemon chicken with carrots, celery, and bamboo shoots was an unmitigated disaster. I think my cooking is suffering because of my lost friend.

All the Christmas decorations are put away. It is both sad and cleansing, I think.

No, I am not going to join eHarmony or Match or anything else.

I totally scored at fixing my attorney’s computer over the holidays. I used to get a text or call every other day about a crash or lockup, but nothing at all this year. Extra RAM and a stay-awake program solved his problems.

The fungus in the 100lb Puppy of Love’s ears has been eradicated. We got through the weekend of peeing every three hours due to the medication, daily cleaning, and twice-daily ear drops. Does anything feel better than taking care of someone that looks into your eyes with total trust and love?

One of my friends who is right about everything, all the time, is gonna be wrong this time, I just know it.

Cub Scouts meeting this week means I get to hang out with parents. There is a mom there, married, who is very pretty and kind. It’s fun just to be around her because she and I are able to talk. We made pipe-cleaner candy canes together before Christmas while our kids brought us supplies. It was the fastest hour-long scout-meeting ever.

I need a new/used vehicle with a back seat, I know this. But my race car is almost paid off and the thought of no car payment is intoxicating. I hate purchasing used cars as the thought of car-repairs sickens me, but any new car is so expensive and such a depreciating investment. A used Porsche 911 has a back seat, but nobody will agree with me that this car would be a wise parenting choice.

Today I drove at a sedate 5mph through the 9″ cones they place in my son’s school parking lot. My car and I could totally smoke that course at 30mph easily, if they’d just move those Safety Patrol 5th graders out of the way.

Posted in Cars, Family, Florida, Friends, Recipes | 26 Comments »

This is Exactly What I Needed

Dec 28th, 2009 by Daniel

All my documents, everywhere I go.

Automatic syncing.

Works on Mac, PC, and iPhone.

Makes a shared drive icon so I don’t have to FTP or HTTP or EIEIO.

AND!

Puts my music where I want it.

Shared my documents with whomever I want, anywhere they are, and they only have to click.

Simple photo sharing.

AND!

It’s free.

Zumodrive.

I wonder if they need a test engineer who can write?

Posted in Work | 10 Comments »

You May Not Get This

Dec 27th, 2009 by Daniel

Back in 1997, I was assigned to the 35th Maintenance Squadron, Misawa AB, Japan. My friend asked for my help with writing his performance evaluation. After having observed him for a year, I had some ideas that he could use.

Amazingly enough, I still have the list:

SSgt Barry’s* Enlisted Performance Report Stuff (for his part-time Air Force job)

Additional Duties:

Electronic Warfare consolidated toolkit etcher, painter, and mangler. Equipment and Spares scapegoat. Self-appointed (and unopposed) precision measurement equipment monitor. Flight Deployment Mongol.

Performance Highlights:

Directed dayshift operations, keeping the morale at a steady 5%.

Lead technician in upgrading the ALM-233C to ALM-233D, which involved the tricky and complicated installation of new speakers and a sticker.

Utilizing on-hand parts, designed and fabricated a way to beat the beejeezus of out Tool Kit #5, thus reducing the number of man-hours required to ignore this tool box during daily inspections.

Helped with the design and fabrication of the new deployment status board, which is now taking up space in the shop chief’s office. This virtually eliminates the possibility of not being able to bamboozle the Chief when he calls asking why our crap isn’t being processed for deployment.

Single-handedly performed a time-compliance technical order on the cooling tower that incorporates fans that sound better than the older ones. Coordinated with a pneudraulics guru on how to drag this maintenance out for as long as possible.

Determined that the corrosion shop was refinishing the forward transmit radomes with green jello, causing the neoprene to peel prematurely. Developed an in-shop preparation procedure to use red jello to “elevate” the problem.

Troubleshot a voltage-controlled oscillator tuning malfunction to a shorted control line. Problem had totally eluded the previous shift’s sleeping and hungover airmen.

Troubleshot a reoccurring “no time in” malfunction to a “beenie wienie” shorting across a 5-volt wire to ground. Removed the offending sausage, brought the pod back to fully mission-capable status with one bite.

Showed concern for the local economy and environment: volunteered off-duty time to assist with the Misawa Fishing Port Topless Tennis Tournament and the Miss Vidal Beach Beauty Pageant.

Was never on the Weight Management Program, but continues to hobble along the “I’ll Get A Haircut When My Hair Tickles My Earlobes” Program.

Did not receive a medal for just showing up to work, but did get a fish dinner from his wife for just leaving the house, which he threw out because he hates fish and got a burger but didn’t offer to get SSgt Howell anything, so he sucks and shouldn’t be promoted.

* not his real name, duh

Posted in Airman Howell | 15 Comments »

OK These Made Me Sniffle

Dec 22nd, 2009 by Daniel

Tiding my son’s room, I found these three notes.

Does this mean I have to buy my son a dune buggy? I mean if it does, OK, I’m on it, but this is either “Dune Buggy” or “Vacation in Vegas” territory, right?

Posted in Family | 26 Comments »

It’s Very Quiet

Dec 22nd, 2009 by Daniel

My son is with his mother for the Holidays, and my home is very, very quiet. I have spent the better part of this month spending as much time with my son as possible, collecting every smell, every hug, every look on his face. I was a nurse last weekend, caring for him as he fought a tummy-bug, so he would be as well as possible to face the snow in New England. For a native Floridian, anything less than 70 is cold, as he will tell you himself. He’s in for a huge shock, and I hope he has a tremendous time and makes happy memories that last a lifetime.

Now I’m not sitting on his bed, holding his stuffed toys and crying. I cooked stuffed mushrooms last night, watched Monday Night Football with a person I love, and tidied like a pro. I have a wedding I will probably be attending the day after Christmas if I don’t visit my sister, and several invitations to travel for a few days, including one from the eyewitness to The Halloween Bunny incident of 1992. It will not be an isolated two weeks unless I want it to be. But it’s still too quiet after the 100lb Puppy of Love starts snoring.

So what’s the deal with the picture? I sent it to TJ because it needed to be sent. I still cannot figure out why it needed to go, but the Universe demanded it and who denies the Universe, right?

Posted in Family | 18 Comments »

I Dont Count

Dec 10th, 2009 by Daniel

At cub scouts tonight, I learned my worth.

“THERE ARE JUST FIVE PEOPLE HERE DADDY.”

Well, there are mommies and daddies, too.

“PARENTS DONT COUNT.”

And I will remind him of that when his first college tuition check is due.

Posted in Family | 12 Comments »

Almost But Not Quite

Dec 8th, 2009 by Daniel

Just over two years ago, I was approached to write the book, “World of Warcraft for Dummies.” Yes, those Dummies people, and yes, that WoW. Unfortunately the two companies could not come to an agreement concerning screenshots and royalties, so the project was round-filed. I was told not to discuss the project at all, but it’s been over two years so I’m going to guess it’s just not going to happen. /sniffle

What would it have looked like? It would’ve been grand, amazing, outstanding, irreverent, filled with errors and type-o’s, and basically freakin’ awesome.

Or, something like this:

Table of Contents
Introduction
About This Book
Conventions Used
How to Use this Book
What You’re Not to Read
Foolish Assumptions
How This Book Is Organized
Icons Used in This Book
Where to Go from Here

Part I. What to Know Before You Even Start
Ch.1 Understanding the Whole Concept
Ch.2 Clearing Up the Misunderstandings in Chapter 1
Ch.3 World of Warcraft and Kids: A Parent’s Miniguide
Ch.4 Loading the Game, Updates and Patches
Ch.5 Oh My Goodness, Let’s Start It!
Ch.6 Blizzard Made Movies for a Reason
Ch.7 Alliance and Horde
Ch.8 Races and Classes
Ch.9 PvP, PvE, RPPvP, EIEIO
Ch. 10 Build Your Face and Give Yourself a Good Name
Ch.11 Pick the Correct Server

Part II. Don’t Just Stand There, Do Something
Ch.12 The User Interface, aka The Screen
Ch.13 Your Keyboard, Mouse and How to Use Them
Ch.14 Options, Options Everywhere
Ch.15 The Baby-Pool Zone
Ch.16 Your First Quest!
Ch.17 They’re Your Bags, Baby!
Ch.18 The How and Why of Hitting Things
Ch.19 Experience and Leveling: Ding!
Ch.20 Hey, There are Other People Here…

Part III. How to Grow as a Person
Ch.21 The Character Panel
Ch.22 Armor and Weapons
Ch.23 Talents and Trees
Ch.24 The Spellbook
Ch.25 Stats, But No Math Involved
Ch.26 A Little Math, But Don’t Freak Out
Ch.27 Professions and Their Goodies
Ch.28 Trainers, Merchants, The Bank and The Auction House
Ch.29 Consumables: Food and Drink (Yum!)
Ch.30 A Small Glimpse of the Big, Wide World
Ch.31 Communication Methods: How to Yap
Ch.32 Vernacular: How to Talk the Talk
Ch.33 Guilds: Bringing People Together
Ch.34 Playing With People in Parties and Raids
Ch.35 Killing People For Fun and Profit

Part IV. You Know How to Start the Car, Now Let’s Race
Ch.36 Just What are Mobs, Anyway?
Ch.37 Tanking and Aggro for Metal-Heads
Ch.38 Dealing Damage Like a Pro
Ch.39 Healing and Keeping People Alive
Ch.40 Crowd-Control and Focused-Fire
Ch.41 The Tao of Threat
Ch.42 Put It All Together and Fight as a Team
Ch.43 Instances Were Made for You and Me
Ch.44 PvP Action is Fantastic!

Part V. The Part of Tens
Ch.45 Ten Ways to Customize your User Interface
Ch.46 Ten Ways to Be a Good Member of the Community
Ch.47 Ten Ways to Not Get Ripped Off
Ch.48 Ten Ways to Make Lots of Gold
Ch.49 Ten Ways to Dominate All That You See
Ch.50 Ten Outstanding Internet Resources

Posted in Warcraft | 68 Comments »